[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by tantalizingfemme

1)What purpose does it serve (ie, setting the bar high)

Thinking back over my different relationships, I thought I had set the bar high, but my idea of a high bar today is entirely different then what it was 30 years ago. I have grown, learned and evolved my own sense of self which has set my own personal bar higher and higher. Considering that my initial set bar was based on how I was brought up and the dynamics and beliefs I learned about myself from my family of origin, my bar was set really low. I only knew how to be treated from my family of origin (which I thought was normal) and because there was dysfunction and toxicity my high bar was set at "if you showed me any interest, that was good enough for me". Looking back through my relationships I now realize there was no bar set because I believed I didn't deserve that, that I should be happy anyone wanted to be in a relationship with me. Things are very different now. I now view setting the bar high as a way of honoring and respecting me and how I will and will not be treated (boundaries). Setting the bar high, for me, is a healthy way to ensure that I know what is and isn't important to me when it comes to being in a relationship, and not just knowing, but practicing it. Also, I see this as something that is ever evolving and changing, not stagnant. It is an integral practice that takes what we have experienced and removing what didn't work, and adding what was missing, over and over.

2) Does setting the bar high guarantee you will have a better chance at finding a lasting relationship?

I do think that setting a bar high guarantees bettering my chances at a lasting relationship. I know what I do and don't want and if I were to start dating again it will help me weed out those who do and do not fit the bill. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I want. Been there done that and I deserve what will make me happy. Now is my bar set in stone, nope. Are there some hard stops? Yes. But there are some things that float in the gray area. I have yet to figure out where the highest setting is (if there really is one) but the more experiences I have, the more I learn about me in a relationship, the more changes will be made and the more I will solidify some ideals already there. And with all of this, I expect whomever I may end up being in a relationship will have also set their bar high and I am a fit for them, and they are not just settling, just as I refuse to settle.

Wise words tantalizing...