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Old 03-20-2020, 03:58 PM   #863
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Originally Posted by dark_crystal View Post
Recap: IQ was being retested at age 49 after i was tested as a minor during inpatient treatment. Those results were widely discussed, and caused my entire treatment plan to be upended, but they were ultimately withheld from me and my parents (supposedly.) My parents could have gotten them after discharge but never followed up (i wish i would have gone to get them myself, once 18, but i never could bring myself to call or visit the hospital, with which i associated very intense emotions for many years) (probably this was the case for my parents, too.)

Update: i'm not tacky enough to actually post my score, but the full-scale is like, on the doorstep of exceptional. Enough for Mensa, but when i looked it up on Quora this was the best comment: "to admit to an IQ of only ____ means you are probably not lying about how smart you are" so that is nice lol

I am neither surprised nor disappointed by the score, however, it was really, really, REALLY important for me to have it.

Having these scores withheld all those years ago ended up creating conditions within which i could be endlessly gaslit by my parents, my partners, my employers, my staff, and especially myself. I did not know the upper and lower range of appropriate expectations and this led to perfectionism and shame when i could not meet these expectations, which were basically unlimited.

Gifted girls are over-represented in anorexia stats BTW

My therapist and i talked about asynchronous development, and how this range makes it likely that growing up I was two years behind my physical age emotionally, while being several years ahead intellectually, and how this contributed to my boundary issues bc adults often overestimated the range of topics i was equipped to discuss/ideas i was equipped to process (to put it nicely.)

This is why i have often felt like i have been in sixth grade forever. i feel like that was the last year i could effortlessly fit in with my peers. After 6th grade i began to struggle, socially, and to experience bullying, anxiety, depression, and depersonalization.

ALSO, there are actually four scores. Three of my scores were closely grouped in the high range but my processing score was firmly average. This confirms the ADHD diagnosis and goes on file as the third assessment and second clinician to do so.

AND i finally brought Level 1 autism, which is a thing i have mostly-silently suspected.

There is a weird feeling i had before where i felt guilty for considering that diagnosis for myself? Like i was too high-functioning/accomplished for that and to even consider it was disrespectful to people with real problems and anyway it would have been spotted long ago.

The one time i brought it up before was to a male psychiatrist. He literally scoffed at the idea, although i kind of suspected his dismissal was influenced by my gender and appearance.

Within that IQ range, however, mild autism becomes more believable as there is plenty of capacity for compensating for some stuff and masking other stuff while still appearing perfectly functional. It puts my achievements in a more accurate perspective.

My therapist says she would not formally diagnose it unless to do so would be therapeutic, but i am deciding it would be therapeutic. All of these formal diagnoses are making it possible to put a ceiling over myself in terms of my perfectionism. I desperately need that ceiling.

These "labels" also equip me to set boundaries for other people. It has been easy to convince me that my needs are weird or unreasonable, and to shame me for my weirdness, but level 1 autism explains every single weird thing about me.

Where it has been hard for me to convince myself i deserve to have my needs met on general principle, i think it becomes much easier to do it when i have an external framework to validate them. Like, i'm weird because of science, nothing i can do, please adjust. I desperately need that ceiling, too.

It can be a crutch in a good way maybe.
Wow, it sounds like you are getting a ton of good information. Its so sad that it was kept from you all these years and actually used against you.

I wish people could deal with each other's weird spaces without gaslighting them into feeling bad about themselves. I can really relate to that.

I am so glad you are getting answers!!!
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