[Kobi]

I should have some idea of where I want this post to go. But I dont. So, what may come will probably be as much a surprise to me as it will be to you.

I never thought to see what I was feeling as an indication of self estrangement. I mean I have always felt female and have always claimed woman. That wasnt my issue.

My issue was more about expressing what female and woman was or could be. I'm 55, life was a whole different ball of wax back then. So, I wasnt estranged per se as much as I just had another vision of reality.

In everyday life, the community I found was one that encouraged women to be whatever and whoever they were. Discussions about lesbian and feminist issues were a big deal. But, I rarely remember discussions about who is a lesbian or what is a lesbian or how lesbians are supposed to look, dress etc. or who fits in the club except in joking ways - i.e. I do not camp. My idea of camping is a fully stocked room at the Marriott. I endured many a ribbing about wtf kind of lesbian was I? Tho, I do remember a few hurricanes where I wished I had those skills and equipment. And, I remember the time my ultra femme but straight landlord showed up to rewire the lamp post in the driveway. She was dressed to kill in a skin tight dress, heels, perfect make up, perfect hair, perfect nails. I, of course, puffed out my chest and went to help i.e. "rescue the lady". It took all of 10 minutes for both of us to conclude I was the most unhandy person on the face of the earth and my butch badge was in serious in jeopardy.

I dont remember any partner of mine who made me feel I wasnt masculine enough or butch enough. I do remember a host of women making it clear I wasnt butch or masculine enough for what they were looking for. But that's different.

My contacts with men and things male was limited to those necessary evils i.e. family, work, friends husbands/boyfriends, neighbors etc. But, my world was women oriented, women filled, women everything. My health professionals were all women, my service people were all women, etc.

As can often happen when you are living your bliss, you get content, comfortable, complacent, and are totally unaware of what is going on around you.

My awareness of female, woman, feminist, butch thing in a whole new way developed from being on this website. Once I got past the shock of wtf are all these men doing here, I was confronted with a new reality that made my internal world go wonky.

Here, as a female, a woman, and a lesbian, I felt threatened and unsafe. As enlightened as one can be, there is always the memory of the patriarchy lingering inside. I was thinking things like it is just a matter of time before these guys take over and macho shitheadness (my all encompassing term for things male) will become the norm. And wth are these women thinking?

It's kind of funny now but it wasnt making me laugh back then. Back then, I was stuck on we have all these zones but no lesbian zone. Hm. I, as a woman and a butch have been lumped in with guys. Hm. I, as a women and a butch, suddenly did not feel I was enough as I was. There seemed to be a masculinity scale thing going on. Hm. I, as a single woman and butch, am competing with men. How the heck does a lesbian compete with men and why would she? Hm. How do I talk to these guys - shouldnt be that complicated but trust me, it was. Hm. Why am I having so much trouble connecting, in the way I am used to connecting, with the women here? Hm. I am surrounded (it seemed) by men who are making me very aware of my femaleness and womanness in a way that is making me uncomfortable. Hm.

It was an internal thing set off by external influences tapping into old stereotypes and histories and setting up new realities and challenges. It took a while to get passed the "I'm too old for this shit" mentality.

But, I learned a lot along the way and am still learning. The men here have been nothing but sweet, nice, pleasant, respectful, supportive and a lot of other nifty things. Even when they do gender based stuff, I know it is not out of malaciousness. And there are plenty of women here ready to deal with it anyway.

For me, being here forced me to revisit myself in a whole new way. It wasnt comfortable or a whole lot of fun, but it has been interesting.

The most important part of it was reconnecting with myself in ways that I hadnt done in decades. Reaffirming my femaleness and womanness has taken on a whole new meaning for me. Being visible as a woman and a lesbian has become very important again. Being involved in the community in a different way has become more important to me.

In some ways it is very simple. In others it is more complex but I dont have the words to explain it. Some of it, I am still trying to figure out. Whatever it is, it feels good. To see others feeling similarly feels validating and reassuring.

Funny thing about being a person. We change, we adapt, we try things on, we find what works, we deal with an endless supply of challenges, we grow, we evolve. And in the end, it is a really all about a journey back to ourselves.