[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

sylvie, i totally understand about a parent being a trigger. Mom was my trigger. All my life she ragged me about my weight with statements like: "Nobody wants a fat ______" , "My friends all say 'Your daughter has such a pretty face. It's a shame she's so fat.' Do you know how embarassing that is for me? Their daughters are all thin and pretty and look at you!" and "I am so ashamed of you."

Eventually my middle brother joined that chorus and my parents did nothing about his ugly words. Is it any wonder that i came to equate my value/acceptance/self-worth with my weight?

BTW when i was growing up i wasn't severely overweight...maybe a few pounds but nothing more. i was very much into sports, especially softball and swimming. i'd like to blame my eating disorder on pressure from a coach but that's not the case. When i was swimming fulltime my body was muscular and tight - i was in the best physical shape of my life but that was not good enough. It was the same when i was running.

It wasn't until the mid-80s when i was at the height of my bulimarexia and destroying my health that she considered me pretty.

All i ever wanted was to be thin enough to please my Mom so she would love me and i would no longer make her ashamed or embarassed. Rejection by Mom or anyone was because i wasn't thin...and i still struggle with that though it's not as strong.

After my recovery from being so dangerously thin i became dangerously obese...also part of my bulimarexia. That confuses many people because there is this misconception that you cannot gain weight with that disorder.

Mom's death in 2007 was devastating for me. We'd worked together for over 10 years and had become very close. But it was also liberating for me. my motivation for losing weight had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. It is also easier to overcome the desire to binge because most of the triggers are not as strong.

Counseling has been a godsend for me. Changing jobs from one city to another has helped and next month i am moving to another city which will further my healing.

Geez, i've been rambling this morning. i gotta get ready for work...

Wishing everyone here a wonderful day!

Remember to be gentle with yourself today...

(((Miss Scarlett)))
thank you so much.. truly.. & for always reminding me to be gentle with myself...something i need to do more of, i know this.. ♥

i know i need more counselling, i am looking forward to the course they want me to take , it's in October but i will be in Oregon with Mtn during that time but, they said they will let me know when the next dates are, it's a 4 week course and will help with the emotions alot and my stuck ways of thinking -- hoping it helps!! After that, i will be starting a group therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - which may be of help to me too, however that one on one counselling is what i feel like i need - because when i had it, it helped so much.. Hearing what counselling does for you, makes me see how much i need that in my plan to recovery, doing this myself just isn't doable, not right now anyway.. OA helps me alot to get my feelings out, or to just listen and learn - but it's not helping with the emotions and anger so much - at least yet anyway.. i think the more tools i can have right now, the better..

i dooo understand the triggers in family very well, between my mother and my father, as well as others , they can be very harsh with words... but my mother and i have really gotten a lot closer lately, though she does tend to be judgemental at times for the most part she is proud of me and wants me well and she encourages me to keep at it.. my father on the other hand, is the opposite.. He is an alcoholic, and the last few years i had been begging him to seek help, tried to intervene and just recently have helped myself in letting go so i'm not taking that on anymore, ive known him to be an alcoholic all of my life and since childhood have been trying to hold him together and take care of him, rather than the other way around - but right now, i'm finding help for myself and this is important to me and since he's not willing to help himself - i had to let go... But now his anger is really hard to take , even yesterday he said "oh go stick your damn finger down your throat" just to be mean, because i was standing up for myself (totally unrelated to my addicton) but about something else, but he throws this stuff in there..

The other day he was at my house here, visiting a few and he got my son to go to the store for him to buy a big bottle of sodapop (he knows i quit drinking it in April and he also knows of my struggle right now).. i thought because he has an addiction that he would be more understanding of my difficult journey - but it's been the complete opposite.. Once that sodapop came in (i had no idea he sent him to the store til i seen him walking in with it) and my father would pour a glass and come right up in my face and drink it, with the sound affects and say ahhhhh that's delicious, want some? So he sets me up to fail, constantly, he's not supportive and now it's at the point i had to tell him, if you are going to do stuff like that then dont come over - i know he's my father but seriously he can be so toxic for me at times... HE thinks i should just be strong and its no big deal, but that would be like me cracking open a bottle of whiskey and holding it to his face IF he were seeking help for himself.. He isn't though, so i guess he just doesn't get how damaging he is to me.

The comments about my weight, i get that from him too.. He knows i've lost some lbs, he is also overweight, and so he thinks nothing of making me feel like my 36 lbs lost so far was no big deal.. When i gained the 4 lbs, he laughed at me.. (how he found out ive NO clue) i work with my stepmother at the nursing home so i gather somewhere along the way it got to her who shared with him. BUT, he has always been harsh on me, namecalling and discouraging and setting me up for failure.. Those triggers send me reeling in that vicious circle, i want to grab the food and stuff my face with things i shouldn't as a big EFF YOU to him... Yet, that would just make him happy, if i think of it realistically, its what he wants.. Succeeding is what will truly work, and be best for me.. So i work harder, even after my down days..

i have many other triggers too, journalling helps some.. counselling definitely helped too...i think i will purchase some books mentionned in this thread as well...

i also understand some on the bulemarexia and being overweight.. When i was young, i was diagnosed with bulemia (i didnt know this til recently) but when i went for my intake at mental health, she went back in my files and told me, that i was then as well as in my early adulthood...Have i blocked this? i'm not sure, or maybe i didn't really understand, but she shared the intimate details she had of my childhood and it really surprised me.. But also helped me understand how it progressed into t his.. Here, i thought i just randomly started over 10 years ago but it wasn't the case at all, there was a sense of normal for me, it felt right and brought me peace and made me feel better, it took the pain away from r/l.

You said changing jobs helped and moving to another city would help your healing.. i often think about getting completely away from here, taking my children and just getting away from the chaos and negative people in my life and would that help me make a fresh start and get away from my triggers, the people who trigger me, situations that trigger me and places that trigger me.. it wouldnt help me escape my memories but, it's always been a thought of mine, just escaping it all.. i think though, realistically, right now what is important is doing the hard work, and finding ways to deal with the emotions, the temptations, finding things that work for me and developing a pattern for myself that will work for me overall to get some control on this.. Am i right? Running away right now probably won't help me, i'm too self destructive...So i cant rely on moving or anything to cure me, that's not realistic , i recognize this...

i'm rambling! eh!?
xox thank you Miss Scarlett, once again!
All of you help me get such a handle on being REAL about this - that's a wonderful feeling!