I just finished reading a book called
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love.
[ame="http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585428485"]http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585428485[/ame]
It's been pretty eye-opening and life changing for me.
For years, I have berated myself for my "failed" relationships and my inability to find and stay with "the right" person.
No more.
The authors talk about the three basic attachment styles....
secure, anxious and
avoidant. None are wrong or bad...they just are the way we are.
I'm an
anxious...which means that I am just that...anxious. I need reassurance, steadiness, commitment and someone who will be patient when I get fearful and my old "stuff" kicks up. It means I need a
secure.
I was raised by an
avoidant and, to me, the crazy drama and "on again, off again" style of an
avoidant is what I interpret (in my anxious little head) as "love." When a
secure (and, yes, in hindsight I've dated a couple) does their normal
secure stuff....I think they don't love me because it's too calm, and too normal.
As a result...I've been with
avoidants almost all of my adult life.
Avoidants want love and relationships as much as the rest of us do, but they also need more distance and space....and when things get close, they push away, view it as controlling or criticism, argue or accuse, etc.
The
anxious / avoidant pairing has the highest failure rate....because as a connection grows the
avoidant pushes back, the
anxious panics and tries to get closer....and the vicious cycle begins.
Damn. I wish I'd read this book a long time ago.
Needless to say, I recommend it.
