[meridiantoo]

There was a time I was excited about getting married, wanted it very much, and looked forward to that day. It was part of a naive fairy tale that most girls grow up with. I came to realize this, re-evaluated my notions of marriage, family, level of commitment to my g/f, etc. What I came to realize is that I don't *need* marriage anymore. I don't *need* the ceremony, the rings, the nuptials, the legal binding of our relationship to make me feel committed, loved, safe, and secure. It is not the culmination of our relationship, anymore than any one thing is. It is not the dream come true into reality that will change anything from the way it is now at this moment. I would be no more committed to my g/f, no more in love, no more ready to spend the rest of my life with her if we were to marry. The only thing that would change, and this is what I fear, is if our relationship turned sour, if we grew in separate ways, and need to follow our own individual paths, not only would I have to deal with the heartbreak of losing my partner, but now I would also have to deal with legalities, red tape, financial considerations, all of the stuff that seems to bring out the worst in many people, and just like you said, JD, I'm not ready to deal with all that, and I'm not sure any of us can ever prepare for it per se, other than by anticipating that as a possible outcome. If you consider divorce as a possible outcome, then to me, I'm not sure that means you are wise as much as it means you doubt your partner and/or marriage in some way, on some level. And, if you do, then I don't know that marriage should be an option.

I have seen the most loving couples turn vile and do things no one ever considered they would. It's the pain, the hurt, the betrayal. It's dealing with a reality you never expected or wanted. It's a scary thing to possibly face.

If my relationship ended, I would try to be as amicable as possible. To negate all we have and have shared by turning into some hissing viper is not something I want, nor does she want that, I'm sure. But, I cannot control what she does. If we do ever marry, divorcing would only happen in very extreme circumstances - abuse, total loss of love to the point of almost hating, cheating.

It's important for us to know ourselves well enough to be able to make the best decisions we can for ourselves. I think so many marry for reasons that destine a relationship to fail - thinking you will be bound to that person forever, no matter what. Not wanting to be lonely. Thinking your true soul mate will never show up. We do not make the best decisions for ourselves when we operate out of fear.