[Kobi]

Originally Posted by rustedrims

Thanks Kobi for this thread..I have thought of some things that i never said out loud or told anyone because i didnt think they would understand..This is where i need to be and be understood..

First thing that came to my mind is those curls my mom put in my hair when i was little..She would twist my hair so tight that it hurt..Itold her and she would say quit moving your head and grinding her teeth to get the next one tighter..Then comes those bobi pins..She used my tender scalp for guidence to put them in a cross patern..I swear sometimes she made my head bleed..Had to leave them in all night and it was painfull to sleep..Had to sleep half on my face and half on my cheek..Getting them out was just as bad..She would pull them out like she was racing someone..My hair got cought and she pulled them till they came loose..Couldnt get a brush or comb through it..Those curls were tighter than a poodles..If i can say I Fucking Hated That..!!..She said it looked so cute..No it didnt..

My sister always told me to walk like a girl..I told her i walk like me..There was nothing wrong with the way i walk and there still isnt..I get where i need to go..

I have 2 older sisters and we each had 1 dress of our own..We sometimes would trade dresses so we didnt have to wear the same one all the time..Growing up with an alcoholic father we didnt get much but he got drunk..Hated wearing a dress..Iwould try to make some kind of deal with mom so i didnt have to wear one..Sometimes it worked but most times it didnt..

Think the first time i noticed i was different i was in like 3rd grade..There was a girl i liked and i realized i felt more comfortable around her in my jeans..Would fight with mom not to wear dresses to school..Itold her i couldnt go down the slide at recess..That kinda worked..At Christmas time i would always pick out boys pants insted of dresses..Picked out a few trucks to..As i got older i was getting a few boy things i asked for..

Ok now i am older and able to make decisions for myself..
Got a good paying job and worked at keeping it..Iwould always take the more physcial jobs..After time i got the reputation of doing the most difficult tasks that the girlie girls would step back from..Still like working like that..Now it is expected of me to do my 110% and do more than the Bio Men {and i do}..The guys at work treat me like {One of The Guys} and not a "girl"..I am finally fitting in but not getting to comfortable..There is always someone that pops out of no where to remind me of who and what i am..Some days are kinda tough but few and far between thankfully..I do have good people around me now but it wasnt easy..Today i am going out to Dinner with a guy at work..It is like 2 fellas getting together..Going to his house to get carpet to take to a friends house..He will bitch about his girlfriend..I know the story dont want to hear it again but he is a good guy..Been friends a very long time..When the Ladies at work have any kind of troubles they come to me for help..Kinda run my mouth and things get changed sometimes..They accept me for me and ask no questions..

With all that being said...
After alot of time has passed living here and my job {almost 29 years} people leave me alone and for the most part accept who i am..I still find myself hiding from me and trying to be someone i am not..Guess that comes from not being 100% out..I am a Butch Woman do i really need to tell you..??..My mom did out me in church..Iwas very upset with her and expressed my feeling on that..Most of those people do accept me and it wasnt a surprise when she said it..No one treats me any different..Guess they accept me the way i am..After some time has past in a small way i do feel some relief that she did out me..In my mind i dont have to hide from me when i am around them..

Bottom line i need to accept me the way i am because the people i am around the most have at work and in my neighborhood my family to..

Thank-you for reading..
Sheila..

Sheila, thank you for sharing this.

You had the bobbi pins, I had the molded plastic hot rollers. Use to call them my crown of thorns.

I still remember the day in the 3rd grade when I was sent off to walk to school in a white, sleeveless dress with a huge (I mean HUGE) purple tulip pocket. I was absolutely mortified.

Looking back, I wonder what our parents were thinking then and sometimes even now. Raising your child to "fit in" was the norm and the goal. Expressing ones individuality and differences was frowned on and contrary to contemporary society.

Did they view our "differentness" as a personal failure of theirs? Their failure as a parent? Were they as confused by our differentness as we were by their insistence we be a certain way? Were they just doing what they thought was right by us, for us? Were they so blinded by what was, that they couldnt see what might be possible for lil girls? Did they even know or could they know that this dichotomy between who they wanted us to be and who we were would stick with us for a lifetime?

It was a different time. Options were so limited. Knowledge was so limited.

Tricky stuff. Even now, when we are able to forge our own way in the world in a society more accepting of differences and possibilities, when we are around people like us who werent part of the mold, it is sometimes hard to even give ourselves permission to just be who we are and be proud of the person we are. Those voices, those experiences, that history is as much a part of us as the person we have come to be in spite of them.

Bottom line? We all want to be seen for and as the unique person we are. We want to be accepted and respected for it. We want to feel we are ok, know we are ok, have others treat us like we are ok. Cuz we are ok. And we want to be at peace with ourselves and the world.

Sometimes I wonder if we realize just how strong we were and are to have perservered for so long. I wonder if we realize how resilient, how courageous, how determined we are and were to even make it this far. We survived a long time in less than hospitable environments and yet we still thrived. Pretty special and amazing stuff.

Maybe it is time to give ourselves permission to be just be who we are and be comfortable with it. Life should be a journey, a learning experience, a happy thing not an uphill battle every step of the way.

Never forget from whence you came. It made you the person you are today. But, maybe, it is time to live, love, enjoy, experience, evolve, explore, accept, heal, and be who you are. Tis the greatest gift one can give themselves.