[Rockinonahigh]

Needles to say this has been a long journey to where I am now.In the beganing it was me just being a over grown tomboy to not being in the least anything that resembled my girlie cousins wich irked mom to no end.Mom and I fougth lots over me not being who she wanted me to be.Wich is like my very femme cousins who were the apple of theire parrents eyes.I sit now at this age and just wonder what or why I was expected to be like every one else,I mean arent we suposed to be individual people with diffreent outlooks on life,expectations,wants and needs.Once one of my cousins told me she use to envy me cause I stayed true to myself,I told her it came with a huge price that she benefited from cause mom always compaired me to her and how I was lacking in being what I should have been.U c my cousin T was miss.louisisna way back in the day,I was and am still proud of her cause geting to the title wasnt easy.For most of my life I have felt way less than because of my familys treatment of me.One beign the queer of the family was the worst thing I could do..nothing was worse..truly.I still have scars mostly emotionaly because of what happened,im prolly always going to have them even tho I know its all water under the bridge now,I have managed to work my way thrue most of it but it never will just not be part of me.Mostly the abandonment issue pops out when I dont want it too but I deal with it as best as I can,the am I good enough to have people really accept me or not,is still in the back of my mind a lot.My way of dealing with all this is "either it works or it dont" is all I can do as I now realise peopel come into ly life and out of it so I dont expect them to stay or not..the toxic folks who think im desperat enought to put up with them get droped like a hot potato as it goes to my way of keeping sanity and wellbeing strong and healthy.