[Karysma]

Wow. Great replies. Thanks! I took a little while to digest what you all said..

Hominid - Great suggestions. I like the bit about getting my 'sea legs' back. That is so true. Though I am not sure I ever had any sea legs! lol! I can't remember that far back. I've been with her for almost half my life. I am thinking this may be more like finding that I do have sea legs. When you say that you change a lot in 18yrs that really hit home. I do feel like I am someone that I both don't recognize at all.. and someone I vaguely remember.

Of course I realize that this is WAY too soon to even contemplate dating. So much of my identity is wrapped up in being her partner. I would have nothing to offer anyone - and that is not fair.

Kittygrrl - Great article! I read it twice. I am glad to hear that I am on track with several suggestions. I suppose looking at it I am processing it ok. I do have to watch the negative talk about the 'other woman' because ultimately it doesn't even matter. I realize that. I don't even really blame her truth be told. But.. some of the stuff I found out covertly does not need to be put out there. If I knew her I would apologize.. but I don't know her like that soo...

ShyStoneFemme - I am so glad to meet someone who is making it through this. There are so many moments (and yes I say moments because that is how often I swing through those grief stages.. lol!) that I think.. how am I going to make it through this. It think I would be coping better had I seen it coming. I am so looking forward to a time when I am not thinking about her ALL the time. I still love her and that is the part that just hurts when I remember that she doesn't love me.. and the future that we were working towards a month ago (or I thought we were) is gone.

Daisy Chain - I totally agree that being alone does not equate loneliness. The biggest problem for me is that I am not alone - but I feel lonely. She is in the room.. she is talking to me.. but I can't touch her. That makes me feel lonely. It might actually help if she wasn't here to remind me that she doesn't want me. I definitely agree with the 'get out there' principle. I tend to be a very self sufficient, internal person. My spouse-ish was the social one arranging get togethers and such. I have been forced to reach out to people whom I haven't spoken to in a good while. It makes me feel bad that I feel like I am using our friendships when I wasn't in touch when things were good. I do have to work on that. It's hard when people are so far away - but I am so grateful to have such amazing friends that it doesn't really matter that we haven't spoken in years. We just seem to fall back into it.

Might I also say that I am so grateful that I have met such amazing people here. You have all been so supportive in what has been the worst experience in my life. (I guess its' good that I have been blessed enough to say that!)
You are all so kind forgiving of my inability to think about anything else.

I just can't wait until I can inhale without feeling the pain of losing her.

*shrugs*

Time. I know.