[WomenMoveMe]

Turns out this is a bit long so it is posted in parts. It is an extension of 'You Need Me' which a few of you have read.


She was lonely. She had to admit it. She had been so good alone for so many years. She was now overcome with a sense of restlessness. She did not really know where the restlessness came from. It had to be loneliness, didn’t it?

She had lived all over the country and parts of Europe and South America. Having been the daughter of a military man, she had no choice. Sometimes it had been good. More often than not, it had been painful and lonely. Stepping in to the middle of a classroom in the middle of a school year had never been easy. The kids in the classroom already having made their circle of friends, or in many cases having grown up together. There was not often room for the “new kid”. There was never any room for the quiet, awkward, unattractive girl who was so obviously uncomfortable in the dresses her mother made her wear. She was never able to find her place.

While loneliness was certainly not new to her, being lonely as an adult was. This time she would not have the benefit of military orders to offer a glimmer of hope. The hope that came each and every time her father was transferred. The hope that maybe the next stop would find her able to find someone who would like her, accept her. Someone who would actually take the time to see her and give her a chance to be a friend. No, she was on her own in the world. She was responsible for her own happiness and while most wrongly viewed her as a happy sort, she knew what lie within her. What had always lain within her. It was not their fault they did not know her. She hid herself away not letting others in. She found this was most comfortable for her. Who and what she was not being something she found herself able or wanting to share. Now, due to a life of her own making, she struggled to fight the internal war that brewed within her. A war that pitted her fierce independence, with her desire to surrender that independence, to one she would love, and to one who would be loved by her.

It wasn’t as though she had never been loved. She had been quite lucky in love actually. Having had two somewhat long term relationships was better than what some are ever to have. She knew that. Was it incredibly selfish this did not offer her solace? Had she had her chances?

She had moved to very small town Kentucky only a few years ago. She had been estranged from her father for over thirty years and hoped to repair that relationship. The estrangement came when in her first year of college she fell in love with the girl down the hall of her dormitory. She innocently proclaimed this love to her father. When he looked right at her and said to her “you are the major disappointment in my life” it was too much. This was the same father that led her to believe she could talk with him about anything. What she failed to realize was talking to him about anything was not the same as being accepted for anything. She was asked to leave their little town, their family, and not return until she was over this “phase”. She was heartbroken. She found it unbearable to be a “daddy’s girl” without a daddy. It never occurred to her the father who had once been so proud of her, would turn her away. It made sense when she thought about it. He was a big fish in a little pond. He had the family reputation to consider. He had to consider the happiness and acceptance of his wife and remaining daughters. His daughter being a lesbian would embarrass the family. This was Kentucky where just being a Democrat was fodder for social suicide. A daughter that deviated so far from societal normality just would not do. She did not blame him. He did what he felt was best for the family he loved. She had always had an independent streak. She would be fine. She would miss them, but she understood completely the need for her to leave. The need for her to vanish as if she never existed. She not only understood, she left.

She and her girl moved across the state border to Missouri. It was her first love and all consuming. She was young and not at all sure how to deal with the feelings she was experiencing. She found herself agonizing at not being able to feel free to love as she felt love should be. It was tormenting. They could not hold hands. They could not be together when in public. They could tell no one. She was not sure why they could not do these things but it is just the way it was. How could she be so in love and so ashamed to be in love all at the same time?

She was kind, gentle, and thoughtful but also young and emotionally ill-prepared to love. The happiness of the girl, her first and only concern. She would do anything to make the girl happy. She longed to protect her and make everything right for the girl. Yet, she was also jealous of everyone and silently angry and morose. She wrongly blamed the girl for the loss of her family. She drank too much and when she drank, she was not always nice. The girl did not seem to love her as she loved the girl. The girl seemed to have something to prove to others when they were out in public. She would flirt unabashedly with men. Countless times taking off with them, leaving her to search for the girl, only to find her in the arms of these men, giving away the intimacies that were supposed to be hers. She lashed out at the girl often. She was hurt and the relationship was lop-sided and toxic. She said things she would like to have been able to take back. Once uttered, words can not be taken back. They hang there, forever to resonate in our heads and our hearts. The girl eventually moved back to her home in Illinois, leaving her destroyed and alone. She cried so, so often thinking about the girl and at times could not bring herself to get out of bed. The girl would come to visit some weekends but it was never enough. She was without the girl, without her family. She was no longer living. She simply existed and was not at all sure why she bothered to do that.

The girl showed up at her door one morning. The girl asked for forgiveness. The girl telling her she did not want to be without her. The girl telling her she loved her and wanted to be with her. She and the girl talked about what they needed from one another to make things work, both agreeing they could ,and would, be able to fulfill those needs. Deciding they needed to be somewhere that their love might be more acceptable, they packed the car, taking off for California. This is something they never should have done, but they were young, they were stupid, they were in search of something.

They landed in the desert of eastern California. Taking menial jobs at a grocery store and a fast food restaurant, they were able to find a small, dingy apartment over top of the Western Union office. They made friends with the girl’s male co-workers. They drank too much and again the girl flirted with the men they ran around with. The girl decided it was in their best interest to tell everyone they were sisters. They looked nothing alike. The girl was dark with dark hair and dark eyes. She was fair with blue eyes and blonde hair. If anyone suspected they were not truly sisters, they never mentioned it.

The girl went missing one day. She searched for her but could not find her. She instead, found a note on her pillow. The girl was gone. The girl had run off with her boss. The note said they were in love, and she was pregnant. The note said she had never loved her and was sorry for that. The note said the girl and the boss had left town and would not be back. The note wished her well. The year and a half they spent together warranting nothing more than a note telling her she was never loved by the girl. At least the girl apologized for not loving her, although somehow it did not make it better.

She should have known. She should have seen it coming. She knew the girl had never cared for her the way she had cared for the girl. She knew she was not happy with the girl, nor the girl with her. She knew for her the girl their time together was an introduction to who and what she was. She knew for her the girl it was the “phase” her father wished her to overcome. She knew that while not very good at it, she had loved the girl. It was her fault the girl could not love her. She was not enough, had never been enough, would never be enough. Her heart was broken and she vowed never to allow herself to be vulnerable again. She would never allow herself to love again. It was much too painful to let someone see you, know you, only to turn you away. She knew she did not deserve to be loved. It gave her a strange sense of relief to know this about herself. It made understanding easier.

She began to roam. She drank her way across the country and back several times. She did odd jobs to pay for gas, food and alcohol. She chopped wood, broke horses, shoveled manure, trained dogs, painted barns, fences, and houses, as well as a wealth of other chores. She played guitar and sang in taverns and bars. She slept with many women along the way. Spending only a night with them, gone even before they woke in the morning, not caring if it made them feel used or hurt. She did not wish to hurt them. She just could not risk staying around and being forced to talk about who she was. She did not want them to realize she was unworthy and incapable of anything more. She was ashamed there was nothing to her, nothing worth knowing.

She eventually found her way to South Florida. She talked her way into a pretty good job with a construction company. She was the office manager and found she was really very good at the job. She was organized, liked making decisions, excelled at troubleshooting the everyday mishaps of the industry, and was trusted by her employer. She discovered the gay community and it was not long before she met a woman.

It had been a couple of years since her ill-fated relationship with the girl and her heart was well healed from the loss. The woman was playing pool. She was not good but was having a great time slapping the balls around even though very few ever found their destination. She watched the woman for hours. She was popular and seemed to be without a partner. She overheard her discussing her birthday with another and mentally latched on to the date.

She bought the woman a drink telling the bartender when the drink was delivered the woman was only to be told the drink was from November 10th to January 23rd, their birthdays. She watched from afar as the drink was delivered and the message was relayed. She watched as the woman looked around, trying to see who might be watching in an attempt to discover from where the drink had come. The woman did not know her. Had never seen her and therefore it did not even register with the woman it might have come from her. She watched as the woman ventured from person to person, having much fun as she tackled her mission, asking everyone their birthdays. When her drink had been drained, she bought the woman another, sending with it the message, “you are getting warmer“. The woman had now exhausted almost every option in the bar. It was getting late and only a few remained to be questioned. The woman came to stand next to her. They watched the pool game as they stood in silence. The woman turned to her. She looked right at her smiled and said “of course, it was you wasn’t it?”. Nodding, she came clean, knowing this meant the game was over. Hoping a new game was to begin. The woman asked why. She told her it was because the woman made her feel good to watch her. It made her feel good to have had the woman get so involved in trying to track down the sender of the drink. She told the woman she wanted to know her. They stood there talking, she and the woman. She was frightened she liked the woman. She was more frightened the woman seemed to like her. She tried not to remember how it felt to be rejected and unloved. She tried to end the conversation because she knew she had nothing to offer the woman. The woman asked her, almost begged her, not to leave. She told the woman she had to go and walked out. The woman followed her out asking her to take her with her. The woman said she was not going to let her go anywhere without her. They were to spend many years together.

They built a life together. They bought a house on the water. They had lots of friends and loved each other deeply. They drank way too much, stayed out way too late, and dabbled in drugs and were very sexually adventurous, with each other as well as others. She was happy. They were happy. One day, for no apparent reason she stopped drinking. Once sober, she found she had no tolerance for drunks. The woman was still drinking every day, and she found she did not have much tolerance for the woman either. She pleaded with the woman to stop drinking. The woman tried but was either unable or unwilling to leave that part of her life behind. She sent the woman to rehab, three times. Three times the woman failed. She left the woman she had loved so and never looked back.

She moved just a little north. Still in South Florida but far enough away she did not run in to the woman. She changed jobs. She became a project manager for a very large residential builder. She made six figures when salary and bonuses were all told. She joined a softball team, a pool league, and once again began singing and playing the guitar in a tavern a couple of nights a week. She could not have been that bad as she had a following and she seemed to be able to pack the place on the nights she played. She discovered she had a small talent for songwriting. Her songs often brought others to tears. She was able to convey all her hurt, loss, and disappointment through them without having people know they came from her soul. When asked about those songs that so moved them, they were told they were simply songs she had learned along the way. She was able to express all that she was without letting others know her. It was liberating for her and something she had never been able to do with her limited conversational skills. She had always fallen apart when asked to talk about what moved her, what she felt, what she had lived through. Her songs were her secret self and she needed them. They told all she could not.

It was during this time in her life she figured out who she truly was and of what she was truly capable. She found she was not completely unworthy of happiness. She found she was strong and intense. She was giving, kind, genuine, and of quiet and gentle demeanor. She possessed a great capacity for self-awareness and healed. This time she was not healing from lost love, but life, and while still a painful healing, it was a welcome one. It was a very good time and she was certain it could never be better. It was after a softball game, celebrating an all too infrequent win, she saw her.

She was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. I was struck by her the moment I saw her and heard her speak. She was talking with a group of women and although I was too far away to determine what she was actually saying, when she opened her mouth to speak, she may as well have been speaking only to me. I could hear the mellifluous timbre of her voice even from across the room, and suddenly no other sound existed., no one else existed, just her. When she laughed her head tilted back slightly. Her long dark hair seemingly ruffled by some imaginary wind. Her eyes crinkling at the corners. Her smile was infectious, and although I knew nothing of her conversation, I found myself smiling along with her.

She was tall and slim and as I studied the movement of her hands, all I could think of was my need to hold them, to have them touching me. It was the strangest thing. I truly believe I loved her without knowing a thing about her. I was not at all certain she would accept my invitation, In fact, had I not lost complete control of my senses, I might have never approached her. I am sure it must have crossed my mind that just the richness of her voice and the grace of her hands, valued more than my worth. But rather, I did not even give that a thought. I was compelled, driven by something other than myself, to talk with her...to know her.

(Continued)