Thanks for this thread. Thankfully I have never been in a relationship in which I was battered, though I have experienced most of the stuff listed - though not all in the same relationship.
I guess what I found interesting reading these lists is looking at my own behavior.
I can be jealous, I can be a sulky bitch when sexually frustrated, and I have constrained a person during an argument before. Twice I grabbed a lover by the forearms in an attempt to stop upsetting behavior and get their attention. The second time I left bruises.
The first time, it was the wee hours of the morning, we were on the 2nd floor and the person was throwing boxes on the floor. I didn't want to antagonize the downstairs neighbor, and I automatically grabbed the person by the forearms while saying reassuring words.
The second time was less justified. The time I left bruises was during the day and I don't remember what was being said but the person was possibly leaving or just ranting and pacing. I again grabbed the person by the forearms while saying what I thought were reassuring words. I was unconscious of the strength I used until afterwards. Anyway, it was informative to read this:
Quote:
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17. ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: A batterer may hold you down, restrain you from leaving the room, push you, or shove you. They may pin you to the wall, saying, "You're going to listen to me!".
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Sometimes looking in the mirror is the hardest thing to do. Though I felt bad for leaving bruises on this person, I never thought what I was doing was battery because my intentions didn't feel abusive to me.
And looking further back, I know there was also a time I grabbed my vaccuum cleaner out of a friend's hands during an argument, we had a tug of war and I fell on my ass when that person let go. That also probably falls under item 17. At the time I thought I was the injured party and that I would never get my vaccuum back otherwise.
But I was using force during an argument.
These threads come up every once in a while, and I usually see all the things that have been done to me. But I guess I am in a safe enough place now that I am more able to look at myself and my own behavior with greater clarity.
I do think I have control issues. I spend a lot of time controlling myself. Just to get up in the morning seems to require a great deal of self control. I overeat, overinternet, overspend, occasionally overdrink to control my feelings and thoughts. I think abuse in general is about control, at least that's what I've heard. I don't know how to not be controlling at least with myself. With the above stuff, all I know how to do is to commit to controlling myself more when it comes to these issues - making new, stronger rules regarding my relationships because I definitely don't want to do anything that could be even questionably abusive to anybody.
A lovely friend wrote something recently for coming out day. She's straight, but she wanted to write something in support of her LGBTQ friends. Part of what she wrote was, "Henry David Thoreau said 'All good things are wild and free.'" I don't feel wild and free. Do other people? But whatever prison I have locked myself inside, I don't want fellow prisoners. Looking over my past, it's clear to me I need to have more respect for the wildness and the freedom of others and that some of my own behavior has worked against this.
Just FYI, I feel pretty nervous posting this because it feels like social suicide, but I am doing so because it's honest, because it's hard, because I think it's the right thing to do and because maybe my talking about these things might serve somebody else here who has been on either end of similar dynamics.