[Julie]

Originally Posted by Isadora

It is really hard to admit what I am not good at this mostly because of the judgmental attitudes of people who do not understand my history. Making assumptions about how or who or what I forgive or don't is also harmful to me.

I certainly understand the need to forgive. I understand the need to be at peace inside. They are not mutually exclusive. In some ways hanging onto anger or rage and using it to make changes has been the major channel for me.

As a retired social worker who worked with abused women, men and children, some things are unforgivable. Some things are unforgettable. I just want to make sure they/us are not blamed or deemed "less than" for not forgiving unspeakable horrors. My scars are literally a daily reminder of my abuse. Abuse whether mental, physical, emotional is not acceptable in any form. Forgiving it is not an option for me.

You touch on such important issues here. We all heal differently and at various speeds. The same goes with forgiveness. Nobody should be judged for how they process their own personal hurts.

I do think, perpetuating it by taking on the "eye for an eye," can be damaging most to yourself. Which is why I need to let things go. It is damaging enough to be hurt, it is even more damaging to oneself to continue it. (for me, no judgment here).

As you know from your work. I was (not literally) one of the women who you counselled... In order for me to heal through my emotional scars of my abuse, I needed to forgive those who perpetrated them. When asked to speak publicly of my abuse and how I worked through it - when I told them part of my healing was forgiving - I was told I was wrong and in a sense giving permission back to them to repeat their abuse. That it was WRONG to forgive the abuser. For some people, this is wrong - for me, it was part of my healing.

I met a mother who forgave the man who raped and killed her daughter, at the same meeting I was at. She taught me a lot, this woman. As a mother, I do not know if I could forgive someone who harmed my children. I am not sure how she did it. But, when she spoke to me and I saw the peace in her eyes and could feel it.. I clearly understood. She also said... If she continued to be the victim of this great crime, then she would continue the abuse of her daughter. I also understood this, from my own experience.

They would continue to WIN every single moment of my life, if I carried the "victim," within me.

Julie