It was stories such as these that made me realize that I was gay, so I'm so thankful for this thread and I'll share
.
I remember loving girls as early as kindergarten, but of course not in a sexual way. I first realized something was different at about 12 when all my friends went boy-crazy and I went girl-crazy, in a most non-platonic way! Instead of caring about getting a boyfriend, I developed serious crushes on one girl after another and wondered what it would be like to kiss them. I know I went through times when I was a boy in my core, and thought they were so lucky because they got to kiss girls.
I realize I sound really bad, but I used to subtly watch girls change in gym, just thinking their bodies were so beautiful. Boys-naah!
However, in that time and place, it never occurred to me to actually be gay. I remember in 1975, on a trip to San Francisco, my mother not allowing me to go to Haight-Ashbury because "that's where all the homosexuals live". I was quite literally growing up in the next suburb over from
Leave It To Beaver Mayfield, Ohio.
That's what happened for a long, long time. When my friends asked who I "liked", I couldn't very well say, "You!" I had to brush it off, somehow, that I didn't really know anyone (true). I didn't have a boyfriend until college, all the while I was in love with a high school classmate who just happened to go to the same college I did.
At one point, I was in love with yet another friend and became an evangelical Christian! I'd heard a sermon that if you just prayed hard enough and turned your sins over to Jesus/God, then they would be taken off of you and forgiven. Well, I figured what I felt for women wasn't "right", so I prayed and prayed. I taught in China on what was really a missionary trip, but came back more of a Buddhist than a stronger Christian.
I married my fiance', while my friend whom I was in love with gave a reading at our wedding. I knew I didn't feel the same passion for my husband as I did my friend, but chalked that up to God keeping me chaste, virtuous, strong, and mature. I swear, that was my thinking at the time. Over 14 years, we somehow had our children but evolved into a sexless friendship for 8 of those years.
At 40 I was a moderator on a forum that didn't have anything to do with sexuality, but happened to have many lesbians on it. As we became close friends, and hearing their stories and feelings, I suddenly realized, "Shit! I'm supposed to be gay!" I immediately came out to my husband, who wasn't all that angry or even surprised. I think he'd suspected from day 1, and in fact had his own issues about sexuality. I came out to my best (platonic) friend, who said "I knew you were going to say that".
Most of my life, and all of my unsatisfying to terrible sex life suddenly made sense. It was more than just sleeping with someone; it changed how I approach all of life. I'm much more sensual now. I feel more comfortable in my skin. My home changed; even my faith changed (to Judaism with a splash of Buddhist).
And that's about it! I dated a woman I met on a website and she was the "first" time, which only confirmed my suspicions
. I worried about the effect on my kids, but I think kids are more open about things now, and not naive. I haven't come right out and said "Mom's gay", preferring to leave it as a need-to-know thing, but sometimes I think they pick up on it and they are respectful in their language (no "That's so gay!")
I consider myself a work in progress and I'm not done "coming out". One day I'll find the right partner for me
. Until then, I'm working on myself.