Thank you for sharing this.
I can't speak for all femmes but for me, it was difficult for me to share my life or who I really was when I first came out.
Whether you are butch or femme, either has its difficulties.
For me, it was the invisibility of it. No one knew I was a lesbian unless I was out with my butch partner. She was very masculine and I could always see the light dawning on thei faces of others when we were out in public.
She would always get the butch nod from butches we might see at a restaurant or shopping when we saw other butches (and I was always a little jealous).
I never got that nod of recognition.
I used to be politically active in the women's and lesbian rights movement. I had a "Sisterhood is powerful" bumper sticker on my VW bug.
Those activities helped somewhat.
With coworkers or others out in the world, I would always get the following, always, always: "I would never have guessed you were gay" and then an entire discussion about it, no matter how matter-of-fact I would try to be.
Or, they would get pissy as though it was some kind of betrayal that I did not mention it immediately.
With bio males, it was even worse. They would hit on me and take it as a challenge to get me in bed to show me what I was missing. I had slept with men before I came out so I already knew what I was not missing. I just was not heterosexual.
As I got older, I did not have to deal with it any more. I still get "Oh, I didn't know that you were gay" but then they add: "That's cool", even if they don't really think that it it really is cool.
Straight men don't hit on me now like they did in my 20's and 30's. It was a relief when that changed.
Aging gives you another kind of invisibility.
Out in the world, I try to be helpful and kind to others. Not because I am a lesbian or that I am trying to prove anything to anyone but because it is the right and human thing to do.
I don't get engaged with people that are angry or resentful. It is a no-win proposition. When I am wrong, I apologize (if I have any idea of what I may have done).
I try to live by the golden rule to the best of my ability.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ascot
I love, love my apartment. I live on the edge of a huge lake, have tons of closet space, often feed deer sliced apples by hand right from my little patio. Everything about it is fantastic except the laundry facilities. The place was built in the early 70s and I suspect the washers and dryers might be from the same era so I go to a great laundromat that's about two miles away. It also happens to be right next door to Trader Joe's and I love the two birds/one stone aspect of getting clean clothes and groceries at the same time. Yesterday, as I was putting my fresh laundry in my car, I noticed an elderly woman working her way to the car next to mine. She had a big basket full of folded clothes, having wheeled it out in a cart provided by the laundromat. It seemed she was having some difficulty walking to open the rear driver's side door. I asked her if she would like some help and she immediately accepted. I grabbed her basket, put in on her back seat and told her I'd wheel the cart back inside for her. From my perspective, it was a tiny gesture that cost me nothing; it was just the right thing to do. She thanked me warmly and said, "There aren't many people like you". I don't know if that's true, and hearing her say it broke my heart a little. I made some little joke about having been a girl scout for 8 years and how those things tend to stick.
I pretty much always assume that people read me as a butch dyke. I know some don't because that kind of thing simply isn't on their radar, or as in the case of the old woman I helped, she might not even really know about such things. But maybe she does, and maybe that's part of why I did what I did. It wasn't so much a conscious thought in the moment, but it occurred to me after that fact that if she saw me that way, that I wasn't threatening and in fact was helpful, it might inform her thinking even a little about how we're just like everyone else. I've never been much of a flag waver, I might have had some rainbow sticker on my car years ago, but I want to feel as though I'm doing my part. Regardless of who I'm talking with, I don't hesitate to use female pronouns when referencing an ex. I'm not reluctant to say I go to a barber to get my hair cut, etc. I know full well that those are tiny things but I feel they are significant. Perhaps they are significant because of their smallness. I think I used to think it was my responsibility to get everyone to see and embrace queerness. Youthful arrogance, I suppose. These days (I turned 55 a week ago) I find I'm more inclined to want to bring attention to our similarities. I'm much more in a "We're all in this together" mode. Some might think that makes me a traitor to the cause but I don't care.
How do you go about letting others know about that part of your life, your place in the community, our place in the world?
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