Originally Posted by gotoseagrl
Yikes, this is a lot to read. This is so touchy, and not easy for me to step forward with. But I felt the need to say something. I wanted to address emotional/psychological aspect of abuse specifically. The kind that is harder to see from the outside because the wounds & scars are all internal and behind closed doors. The worst kind is sometimes that which develops over time, and has a subtlety to it that is hard to describe. It can keep you in a constant state of severe confusion, even after it's over. Sometimes this can be the most difficult to fully recognize, escape & recover from. It might take you 10+ times trying. That alone is a big sign.
Everyone's situation, limitations & ability to cope & be healthy before something becomes abusive to that particular person, varies. Things I have learned to be possible warning signs, speaking from a combination of personal experience, observation of others, and research (I am making up the examples):
- A lot of times things are amazing in the beginning. But that's only the good side of the passion. Little hostilities start to happen, sometimes very small ... such as "You were away 3 hours instead of 2?" At first it might seem like a really small discrepancy, *but it doesn't sit right with you*. You feel a heavy, negative feeling inside. But your connection with this person is otherwise amazing & you already formed the attachment. So, it passes & you move on.
- Questioning becomes more intense. "Where were you? What were you doing? With who? Why that person? What did they say?" or "You went to the store? Why at this hour? What did you get? What are you going to do with it? But you never usually get that kind." Excessive questioning & speculation feels more like probing than just normal conversation or curiosity. You end up dreading going anywhere or doing anything because you know 20 questions will immediately follow.
- You start having arguments or fights. They are emotionally vicious. That person might not use foul language or even raise a voice. But what they say or ask (and usually repeatedly) feels like a cut from a knife. You notice you are always having to feel defensive whenever there is a conflict. And then you feel extremely hurt after. If you already had trust issues, it might take you a significant amount of time to even be able to bring yourself close to them again. So, you start to really dread having conflicts - or even conversations that could potentially lead to a conflict - with this person, because you know how it will go, how bad it will hurt, how high your anxiety/stress levels will rise.
- You might start to notice that after having such an intense relationship with this person, and a formed emotional dependency, that you start to develop some of their same bad habits. Such as wondering where they are after so many hours, why they are doing x,y,z ... etc. You start questioning a lot yourself.
- You start feeling overwhelmingly that the conflicts & super high stress levels are way too frequent, way too extreme & way too repetitive. You start feeling the need to leave and break it off. You might even do that. But you might either always end up going back - after a lot of harassment and persuasion - or you can't find the courage to actually leave because in your mind & heart you desperately try to rationalize by clinging to the good moments & good qualities of this person. Those little bits are all you have to hang onto in order to survive a lot of times. Memories that come & go quickly, future fantasies (the life you two have planned out), not-yet-fulfilled promises, unachieved goals. Those become like your air to breathe.
There is so, so much I can say. But to try to sum it up, it might be wise to keep in mind that any of the following could possibly indicate that something is wrong:
- If you have any old relationships to compare this one to, think about it. Were the old ones generally pretty good & felt "normal", even if they didn't work out for some non-abusive reason ... did not damage or decrease your health?
- In the relationship, do you notice you do or say or feel things that you know you normally don't with others, or didn't in past relationships? Do you feel the conflicts bring out behaviors in you that aren't healthy or weren't there before? Do they bring out the worst in you? This can only contribute to the cycle of abuse. And your partner can also use these weaknesses of yours against you, which also fuels the cycle.
- Do the conflicts *always* (99.9% of the time) have the same cycle: let's say something has hurt you, you either withdraw from fear & avoid confrontation, or you get the courage to bring it up to your partner. An argument starts because your partner, of course, disagrees/denies/minimizes your feelings. You react, you are upset. They use your reaction against you and quickly assume the victim role. And if they have any kind of reaction of their own, that gets blamed on you too.
** I'd like to note here that sometimes the type of person who tries to claim they are always the calm one, they rarely call you names, etc... this can be one of the most long-lasting abusive tactics, because this person can & will always try to use this as a weapon ... as a reason to prosecute you for any real true emotional reactions you have to the pain. They will always say you are the one overreacting, you are the irrational one, always question why you
are so upset, etc. And that in turn makes you even more upset and/or need to withdraw. It can be a true mind game.
- Do they build you up and then break you down in a contradicting way? When things are fine and on their terms, they might acknowledge that they know you'd never do x,y,z or that you're not that type of person, that they trust you 100% ... that it's just "old relationship baggage" (which no one should have to eternally suffer for). But as soon as the switch flips, they are accusing you of that very thing, calling you out of your character. Or if you did find the courage to leave, do they say and do anything to try to come after you, tear you down, attack, suffocate, harass, violate you? But you know if you gave into them, 5 minutes later they'd be telling you how much they love you & you're the only one for them, how they only want what's best for you (which is always them, according to them) etc. This is like *conditional* "love", where you will only be truly "loved" if you agree to what their primary need is (which is their attachment to you), otherwise you are unfaithful, dishonest, sleezy, a fake, heartless, etc. etc. etc. anything else they can think of that is the furthest from true.
- When it comes to important things, always saying they will, yet rarely ever actually do. Lack of consistency.
- Do they use parts of your own most personal, sensitive past against you, as a weapon when you are fighting or they are hurt? In a conflict or random moment of paranoia, you notice they always resort to bringing up some painful part of your life & throw it in your face, especially when it has nothing to do with the current situation.
- How do they treat you about your exes or new people who have come into your life? Do they ban you from having any contact with an ex because they insist that just because you were with someone in the past, you are bound to want to be with them again or vice versa, even if you & that person are genuinely just friends. If you happen to make a new non-threatening friend, do you immediately get the 3rd degree about what that friend's intentions are, what are their secret motives for wanting to be your friend, etc?
- Double standards ... is it always ok that they do x,y,z, and usually frequently, and you're expected to have no negative reaction to it, yet if you ever did even once by mistake or once in a blue moon, that is not acceptable and you endure hell for it?
- Do you develop new fears you didn't have in relationships before? Do you find that you can't do things or go places (even online) that you used to enjoy because you know they will immediately have something negative to say or ask? You know you will be accused, suspected, and that every little detail will be picked apart. This isn't normal. I believe you should have the trust from your partner that you give in return .. to go and do freely the simple things that bring you positivity and be part of a community as the individual you are without fear, even within a power exchange relationship.
- Do they use guilt or bribes to try to get you to stay? They might say that someone who really loved them would stay forever at any cost, no matter what ... that longevity of a relationship is above all. Or they might constantly dangle in your face promises of the future ... but what about this .. or if you just stay you will have that, what you always wanted. This is called tantalizing, and it can really confuse you as to whether you should stay or not.
- It's true that what someone else thinks isn't always everything, but do you notice that you been warned or even begged by trusted family or a friend more often than not, not to continue in this relationship? Have these people seriously feared for your safety? It's not easy to listen to or even see, but there is a reason for these alerts.
- This one is really important: How are things whenever there is an emergency? Is this someone you feel safe turning to without 2nd thought? Do stress levels increase or max out on top of what is already going on? Do you always end up arguing or feeling even worse during this time of distress? Do they demand personal attention or promptness over whatever else is going on? Do you feel completely alone, emotionally?
- This one is really important too: No one is perfect or without some way they could be working on being a better person or partner in a relationship. You might know that if you have some issues you are working through yourself, then you've done whatever you needed to do to address that ... therapy, some resource, whatever. Has this person done the same? Do they always promise they will get help, if only you stay with them, and they either make weak attempts, dont follow through, or refuse to at all? This isn't fair. And it only means the cycle will continue. Until you have hit rock bottom.
- If you notice that issues you already struggled with (anxiety or depression for example) are only made worse and brought to the lowest points while with this person, or if their questioning or tactics have brought you to your knees in emotional suffering or a breakdown, and this happens over and over ... and over again, then things are far too extreme.
The bottom line is: Love is about visible actions, not just words. Someone who truly cares about you & loves you, will always respect & comply with whatever it is you truly need in order to be a healthy person - not only on their terms, but on yours, because no one knows what you need better than you do. Even if this means the two of you are not working out. They should have concerns about their own health & well-being too and should be proactive about that along with you. Someone with a better grip on reality wouldn't let this type of situation continue either. Leaving doesn't mean you didn't love them and give every ounce you had. The fact that there is abuse doesn't mean they don't have a good side or that you are "misjudging" them. It's true relationships take some work sometimes, but shouldn't be at the harmful sacrifice of your being or health til it's depleted & you are left a shell. Being in a relationship of any kind of lifestyle or dynamic is *always* your own consent & everyone has the right to true love, peace and personal boundaries to be respected. No is no. Enough is enough. Goodbye is goodbye. This was way more than I intended to say, but couldn't find a way to leave out any of these points. I really hope anyone out there who is currently in one of these situations will reach their moment of true and lasting clarity, once and for all... asap. It's never too late.
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