A lot of my partners are branded "unemotional" and frankly I don't think that's true. They just take longer and slower to connect with those emotional and they don't always want to SHARE ALL THE FEELS.
I totally and utterly get that. I *appear* emotional because I talk about things that other people would find emotionally charged, vulnerable and engaging. But they are not not me. And if you read me very closely, you will find I talk about
A) what I *think*
B) what happened
C) something cute and flippant and funny
D) how I felt back then
But you won't find anything actually about how I actually *feel*, presently, in my conversation or words. It's a slight of hand. A puppet trick. I do it allllll the time. Because I don't want to talk about how I feel right now. That shit is private. As in really private and only for people I really trust, and not all the time. I'm very good with that. It's why even though I may appear emotional, I am not.
People often mistake intensity (emotional expression) for intimacy (earned trust). They are not NOT the same thing.
It drives me batshit.
I don't like intensity. In fact, I hate it. That super high butterflies, anxious, nervous excitement some people love that happens when they get a crush on someone and they don't know if they are liked back for sure but they do things like express themselves all over someone else and talk about their eeeeeeyyyyyeeees and wanna share deep emotions with them and get all up in each other and be super intense and risk it all? That thing that people go on about being love and stuff?
That is pure hell to me. And to me that's not intimacy. Because the rush is from the emotional risk. That means trust has not been established. That means it's intensity, not intimacy. And I don't do that. I actually hate it. I don't like the way it feels.
So I get rejected a lot from butches who want that Uber romance off the mark thing. Because I won't bring it. I have really, really good boundaries about that. I get called guarded, reserved, ice queen, ice bitch, why don't you lower that wall, etc. because I refuse to engage with that. It's not my thing.
But hang out with me, slowly, be my friend and be playful and relaxed and let me learn about them, talk to me and don't treat me like an instant romance emote-a-thon and when I trust them... My slow, playful, sweet romance side comes out. Like making an e-book about t-rex and a princess and the stupid adventures they have with lots of in jokes to our little dynamic. Or I'll remember exactly the way they take their tea and what kind of beer they like and order it for them before they get to the restaurant. Without them knowing I know or asking me to.
I am not grand gestures or overt displays or public proclamations. I don't like that stuff. I like public hand holding, yes. But I will only do that with very special people. And not someone I've just started dating. And certainly not before we have slept together for a while.
I may be loud, expressive, open about who I am, what I think, what my life has been like, but I am very reserved in other ways. And it pisses quite a few butches off that I've tried to date. This is why I tend to date introverted and rational types. I love how practical they are and they appreciate it in me. And it's a slow, respectful, build of a coal cook fire that burns at low intensity but magnificently warmly, useful and incredible to have sex next to or make a stew on.
I am not fireworks. I don't want them.
I don't need someone to tell me they love me. I know they love me. I'd prefer they showed me they loved me by mowing the lawn.
Yes people dump my ass over it. Yes I get butches coming at me with flowers and proclamations and when I don't swoon or get gooey they get fucked off with me and leave. Yes my feelings get hurt, a lot. And frankly, it's none of their fucking biz if they don't have the ability to stick around and learn me as who I am, instead of who they want.
There are people out there who will appreciate you for your pragmatism, rationality and practicality. I find it an utter relief in others. And slowly, their emotions do come out a little and in ways I can read because I pay the fuck attention and I don't need them to announce it over a bullhorn. I know. Because I know *them*. And that's a very private, warm, close, personal dance. And it's made all the more special because we both get that the other gets to see a bit of that private, quiet part of ourselves.
They are out there
