[Passionaria]

Over the past year I have lost quite a bit of weight, not really consciously trying to, but my appetite has changed. For me it's a huge relief to be letting go of what I will call emotional eating. Food has at times been my drug of choice, and I LOVE to cook.

I also have food allergies. I have learned that every time I eat something I am allergic to (wheat and eggs), I have a hystamine reaction, which causes me to puff up. If I do this on a daily basis or even several times a week, I will just keep "puffing up". When I avoid these foods religiously, I deflate, lol. These being such a big part of the American diet, makes it hard to cook and eat with others, because I feel like I'm being a pain in the butt, or difficult. But the consequences of eating them is worse. So I do feel guilty at times when I am in a situation where these foods are all that are offered or available. I have learned to just say I'm not hungry, or pick at something that I can eat, but I do feel like I'm being a pain.

I have also started working out, and swam all summer. Just a bit of getting out and moving seems to make a huge difference for me. My goal is Salsa Dancing, so I am trying to get my stamina and muscle tone up enough that I can spend an evening on the dance floor. That is my gift to myself. And fitting in my Victoria's Secrets wardrobe .

Last weekend I went to a wedding, and all of the clothes I tried on, fell off me, I was shocked. Then panicked because what's a girl going to wear? lol.

OK I'm going to be totally honest here: So addressing the question of guilt. I do notice that my slimming body makes some people uncomfortable. They could not even compliment me. Even tried to talk me into eating more, like my lack of raging appetite and careful food choices, were symptomatic of emotional problems, or self denial. On the flip side, these people and I had an unspoken agreement about overeating together, and using food to make us feel good. SO me changing made them feel uncomfortable. Honestly, it kind of pissed me off, because I felt like they wanted to sabotage me, because they were comfortable with me being heavy, as it gave them permission to overeat. And it is not an agreement I want to have with myself or them anymore, and they feel a loss. And for a minute I did entertain my lack of appetite may not be good, but my body feels so much better when I eat light.

I do also notice that I feel a bit apologetic when I tell people who I know want to loose weight, that I am on the road being a healthier, lighter me. Not because I think their being big is bad, but because it changes the dynamics between us on some unspoken level. And I think it might make them feel bad. All I know is that it has taken me a very long time to understand what my body really needs, and that I can find joy in other ways than indulging my palate, and it feels like coming home to "ME".