[Gráinne]

Thankfully, I have not had an abusive relationship since I came out, and only one with a man that could be called abusive. That said, I second all of JAGG's post, and won't reinvent the wheel. I also add these:

*I wish I'd paid attention to drinking behavior very early in the relationship. I'm not calling all drinking a harbringer of abuse. I am saying that someone whose personality changes drastically, who becomes angry when drinking, or whose free time revolves around drinking or partying may be showing signs of alcoholism at the least, and may be abusive when drunk.

*It's OK to admire someone. But don't do as I did and put someone on a pedestal and make that person a font of wisdom to straighten out your life. A non-abusive person will get back down and will demand a relationship of equals. An abusive person, however, will "know what is best for you" and you will end up with no voice and no right (in their eyes) to question them. That's a very powerless feeling.

*Watch out for the Nice Guy, who is kind to you not because they are a kind person but because they are putting "kind deeds" into an emotional bank account, out of which they want to "pay" for a relationship with you. This is someone who may come on too good to be true, or who is always there with a shoulder to lean on, but if you tell them you don't like them as a partner but only as a friend, watch out! You'll be called a bitch, or worse. I've had this happen with men, but I'm pretty sure a variation happens in B-F relationships.

Advice is really hard to give, as there are so many individual stories. I'd say trust your gut and your "little voice". If it feels wrong, back away.