[Nic]

Something that always surprises me about abuse is the talent abusers have for misdirection. They seem especially skilled at shining light on the normal human stupidity and flaws of others thus making themselves look less culpable or even innocent.

Recently heard a group of people speak, in turn, about what it was like to be taken in by an abuser. One guy talked about not knowing that his best friend was an abuser and how traumatic the discovery was. He wasn't even in denial. He simply didn't see it because the man was just that good at what he did. Another woman spoke about being in denial and ignoring some things that had set off warning sirens in her head. Took her years to realize that the abuser she knew was manipulating her into doubting herself so she talked herself out of seeing what was in front of her face. One woman spoke about refusing to believe, despite seeing evidence every day, that a long time close friend was abusing his partner. Most of them had a story about a third person who pointed out their denial and several talked very frankly about either a pre-existing or a sudden underlying feeling of dislike for the person being abused which helped prevent them from seeing the truth. But every story had the same feature: the abuser was good at garnering sympathy for themselves, were able to sound very reasonable to friends and family, and were skilled at magnifying the flaws and mistakes of the abused person in a way that made that person seem easy to dislike or discount. They also talked about resisting the truth when it was presented to them and trying to find a way to excuse the abuser's behavior. Only about 1/4 of them believed abuse was taking place the first time they were told about it.