Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett
As we all know, abuse isn’t always physical; it has many forms but is always about power and control.
Anyone can be the victim of abuse, whether it is in a romantic/dating relationship, in their family, at work, at school, or even in a friendship. I’ve been in at least one of the above and there are others here on the site who can say the same thing.
Discussion of the warning signs is important for those who may be in an abusive or controlling relationship. But it’s also important for their friends and families because being in such a situation often makes one entrenched to the point of blindness/acceptance.
People who are on the outside looking in, who have never been there themselves, often ask “If it’s so bad why you stay?” They tell us “Just leave.” Well meaning advice but easier said than done.
So why do we stay? It’s complicated. Some reasons: financial and/or physical obstacles; emotional fragility; neediness; desperation; denial; shame; guilt; fear of being alone; threats of physical harm to you, themselves, children, other family members, friends or pets and the fear they will be carried out; threats of “blackmail” – telling friends, family, employers certain things about you; destruction of your self-esteem; wishful thinking that it will get better or they didn’t mean it/couldn’t help it/not their fault/it must be me; and “Stockholm Syndrome” – the emotional bonding with an abuser.
We can become so emotionally invested that we feel we cannot just walk away and must to see it to the very end. There is fear of being perceived as a failure – unable to have or stay in a relationship.
Children – in my job many people I encounter stay in these relationships because of the children.
Finances; especially when the abuser controls the money.
Sex can play a big role. Shattered self-esteem can convince you that no one else wants you but this person does. Or they can use it as a weapon, threatening to tell others about your sex life.
Sympathy for the abuser can develop, especially if they’ve told you sad stories from their past. And while these stories might be true, they are no excuse for their behavior which, by the way, never changes for the better; at least not for long. There can be “honeymoon” phases where everything seems really good but invariably the cycle resumes and you’re back to walking on eggshells or worse.
Isolation from family and friends; abusers want you all to themselves. Remember, this is about power and control. Any positive, supportive outside influence is a threat to them. They will do everything possible to preserve this including having you break off communication with family and friends by convincing you that these people must be avoided because they are out to destroy your relationship. This helps to reinforce the idea that we will be unable to "survive" outside the relationship.
These aren’t the only reasons we stay but I feel they are the most common.
Speaking from personal experience, you cannot leave an abusive/controlling relationship until you are ready. You leave when you feel you are strong enough to leave and not return or you have had that “Aha moment.”
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Yes. Everything you just said here. Yes.
And what others have said about abusers having a talent for misdirection and being able to "hone in" on those who are naive, trusting, and inexperienced. It does help me to read these words as I'm sure it does others. I'm so glad this thread is moving in a positive, healing, educational direction. Thank you to everyone who helped me steer it that way.
I also want to add that it's important to talk about abuse against butches, male-identified butches, and transgender folks as this is often highly overlooked. It can be very difficult to get authorities and sometimes even friends and family to believe that the abuse is occurring in this way because of preconceived societal gender roles. I think this is especially true in the case of one partner (let's say the femme) is pushing every single solitary button on the other partner (let's say a trans guy) that when hy finally does explode and verbally defend hymself, hy's seen as or treated as the abuser.
Everybody has their breaking point and verbal abusers are very VERY adept at hitting long-buried triggers and making their targets speak or behave in ways completely out of character for them in a normal, healthy setting. It reminds me of a bully sitting in back of you in class and poking you with the lead of a pencil 20 times. When you finally turn around and blow up at them,
you're the one sent to the principal's office. It's a truly sick 'talent'.