It is very easy to miss the red flags when someone is wooing you and sweeping you off your feet like many abusive people tend to do so well in the beginning stages of a relationship. Initially they will try very hard to display what it is that they think you want to see. Their masks will always slip, though, and flashes of their true selves will be revealed. This could manifest in comments they make that may strike you as odd (i.e. “I am the most sane person that I know”). They might need constant affirmation that they are as awesome as they think themselves to be.
As the idealization stage of the relationship starts to wane, you will notice them starting to blow hot and cold…not unlike those Sour Patch Kids commercials! This is to keep your emotions unbalanced because it will be much easier for them to pull your puppet strings when you are left feeling confused. Their feathers may get ruffled at even the tiniest little thing that most normal people wouldn’t even remotely perceive as a criticism. Like others have already mentioned, projection is a huge red flag. It’s typical of an abuser to accuse you of doing exactly what they themselves have done. What they say and what they do won’t match up. They will lie…often.
It’s all about power and control to these emotionally void, empty shells of people. Unfortunately, it is usually kind-hearted, caring people who are targeted. They want what you have. It seems to be their very goal to suck dry your good nature and any positivity from your life leaving you a complete emotional wreck while they bask in their achievement and move on to their next prey. They are very sick puppies, indeed.
Before I came out, I spent seven years in my late teens/early twenties in an off-and-on relationship with a man whom I now suspect to be a malignant narcissist. It was a living hell. When I finally left him for good, all I could do was look back and think “How could I have let myself endure such cruelty for so long?” I was codependent, and it was almost as if he had me under a spell. The only good to come from that relationship was the lessons learned. I was able to move on and heal through a loving and caring relationship with my last partner. While I’m not immune to being sucked in to a love fest, it’s now very easy to see the red flags and to know when to run for the hills.
Pay attention to those cracks in the mask. Trust your gut.
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