[Ciaran]

What will happen when you die?


When I ask this question, I’m not inquiring whether there is an after life and, if there is, what form it will take but rather I’m talking about what will happen in the immediate days after your death?


Is this something that you think about? Have you already made arrangements? Does it concern or worry you or, since you’ll be dead anyway, you won’t care?


As I continue into middle-age, I find that I’m attending more funerals – aunts, uncles, parents of friends and so on. Like many other aspects of Irish life, many death rituals remain – people are usually buried within two or three days of death and in the run-up to the funeral, a “wake” is held in which people will stay constantly around-the-clock, day and night, by the open coffin.


I’m not sure if it’s due to these funerals but I find that what will happen to me on death is increasingly on my mind. It’s not something that keeps me awake at night nor does it cause me undue stress nor am I morbid about it. However, it is definitely somewhere in my mind. Therefore, whilst I’m still not sure what I’m trying to tell myself about what I want on death, I know there’s some need or desire within me; maybe I will understand better as I age.


Let me explain further. The funerals I’ve attended in recent years have been large and local affairs – for example, held in the small town where my family was raised for generations (family graves back to the 1600s in the cemetery and so on), the church service held in the same church where the deceased had been baptised 80 years earlier, the attendees at the funeral service who had known the deceased since pre World War Two days and so on.


My parents, who are in their late 60s and hopefully still have many years in this world left, had already planned what will happen when they die almost 40 years ago – it was something that they agreed shortly after they got married. By agreeing, it was in terms of whether they would both be buried in the grave of my mother’s parents or the grave of my father’s parents. So for decades, they’ve known the spot in the earth that will be their resting place.


A part of my issue with what will happen when I die is inextricably linked to my sense of place. Place is all-important to me. It defines me. Returning to Belfast by plane, the approach over the Irish Sea is beautiful. Yet, strangely, one of my first thoughts as I see the lights of Belfast is that, if the plane goes down now, at least I’ll die on home soil. That conveys to me that it’s probably important that I am scattered at home and, if I have the choice, to die there too.


And, yes, "scattered" as I would prefer cremation to burial. Cremation remains disliked by most Irish Catholics (the practice was outlawed by the Church until 1963 but is still frowned upon by many). However, I’d prefer cremation to burial – I don’t like graveyards and would rather my ashes were scattered somewhere poignant and positive to me.


The whole issue of “dying at home” and “scattered at home” is something that my parents and their forefathers and foremothers have not had to contend with but I do. My life path will likely take me to the Philippines in another 5 to 7 years and I’m not planning on returning to live in Northern Ireland for a decade or so after that - and who knows if that will happen or not ……..... it leaves plenty of opportunity to die abroad, likely in a place where I have no family and possibly limited real friendships.


Even if I do return home to die, the challenges are greater for my generation than for my parents. Due to the Irish economic crash, my generation is one of diaspora. Many of us, who spent our childhood and formative adult years growing up together, have since left our home city of Belfast for parts of Great Britain or Australia or elsewhere. We maybe see each other once a year if we are lucky so whilst these are real friendships, their quality is ironically both more nostalgic and more electronic than the friendships of my parents’ generation which remain more day-to-day, face-to-face.


Therefore, how many of my family and friends will be in Belfast for my funeral when I do return to die? At this stage, it looks like many will never return – and I wouldn’t expect many friends to travel half-way across the world to attend a funeral service at very short notice.


As I stated above, I still haven’t quite worked out what all of this means or what I really want. However, wondering if others here also think about the practicalities of the days immediately following their death?


In particular, there are additional challenges for many in this community due to their LBGT status and, in many cases, being disowned by family. Also, specific challenges due to lack of marriage status and, potentially for many trans-folk, issues re legal gender status versus lived or preferred gender status.


So, back to my question, what will happen when you die?