[Femmadian]

Okay, I'll bite.

The area where I live is a fairly blue-collar region (historically and currently) and so I think that has a big effect on the community here. Here genderqueer seems a term almost exclusively reserved for the young 20-somethings who are either university-educated or heavily involved in queer activism. Andro or "I don't need a label - I'm just me" seem to be the two most common descriptors by people you might otherwise pick out of a lineup as being "butch" (or genderqueer, whichever).

I went to a wedding this summer for a couple who for all intents and purposes would fit in quite well on the Planet but for whatever reason, react like you just hit on their grandma or something when you even mention the B word or the F word around them. However, looking around at the other guests in attendance that day, the whole place was like:

Lots of butchy/gq energy bouncing around in that place, but to the best of my knowledge, not one of them ID'd that way.

When I lived in rural New England, butch was fairly widely understood and adopted as a term of somewhat self-deprecating endearment, kind of like dyke is for some (ie - "My name's Molly and I'm your friendly neighbourhood butch dyke" said with a smirk and a twinkle). I don't think I'd ever heard any of my friends from that region mention the term genderqueer until the last year or so. Friends who still live there have mentioned that they've noticed that quite a few of the younger queers coming up through the community are starting to transition really young (like 18, 19) but this is all anecdotal second hand information. If that's an option that's now open to them because of greater awareness and acceptance, then great. I just wonder if in that particular community it seems to have taken the place of butch or genderqueer as an option instead.

Like you, it drives me batty when people conflate gender with sex but I can understand why that happens. So much of the language and public awareness is so new and always evolving so it can be hard for the average person to keep up unless their lives are completely enmeshed within the queer community (and even then, there are still slip ups).

Interestingly, my experience with people jumping to the conclusion that a gender non-conforming person must be trans has been by and large with straight people! I can't count how many straight people and straight family members have pointed out a particularly butchy/genderqueer/masculine-presenting woman (or a femme-y/genderqueer/feminine-acting man) and either somewhat covertly asked me (usually in a weirdly hushed whisper, like it's a big secret) if they were "really just born in the wrong body" or, if I know them, if/when they're going to come out, transition, and "just be themselves" (as though they're not and transition is an inevitability). I know they mean well, but damn.

I have a friend who told me once that she thought her teenage son might be trans. She was very supportive of the idea and seemed more interested in resources she could go to for more info, so I dutifully introduced her to our local PFLAG chapter and got her in touch with a few prominent individuals within our local community. When I had asked her why she thought he might be trans, though, she said that "he had always been a very nurturing child," that he was "even a better cook than his ol' mum," and that he was the resident hair stylist for his four sisters. She added in an anecdote about how he loved dressing up along with his sisters in her clothes when they were kids and said, wide-eyed, "I mean, that's what the trans kids do, right?" What a pickle... So while I greatly admired her efforts at acceptance of her son and she was trying really, really hard to be a good mum and a good ally to him, whichever ID he may end up choosing (if he chooses at all), I couldn't help but feel a little concerned for him that he might feel pressured into identifying as something he might not be or forced to choose one of two boxes. It's just one example but I feel like especially in the last ten years or so, the boundaries of what's acceptable for either sex are more policed and rigid than they were just not too long ago. I wish there was more room for him, both within the community and in the straight world at large, to be something other than a traditional example of the sex he was born as without being shuffled into the other corner.

I also pointedly avoided sending his mum to any online resources because so much of what I've seen online has been fairly similar to the board you mentioned and I didn't want to lead her (or him) in either direction. A lot of what I've seen online in other spaces feels like an echo chamber (Tumblr sometimes makes me want to poke my eyes out). It can be hard to hear the nuance and the richness of these topics in that kind of environment. Especially on forums, you have what feels like so many young, scared teenagers and uni students trying desperately to figure out where they fit in and asking "am I normal? Am I okay?" over and over again until someone gently (or not-so-gently) points them in any particular direction. I think it's only natural to grab onto what for many must feel like a life-preserver and hold onto it for dear life, but it doesn't leave much room for other people in the process. I really wish there was a greater diversity of voices for young people on this topic, both online and in the uni activist circles I've seen.

I also recognize that that's a bit of an emotional land mine of a topic and very delicate to address! Hopefully others will chime in with their experiences too! Great topic!