Quote:
Originally Posted by CharmingButch25
I stumbled across this thread because I could'nt sleep and I am glad I did.
I currently am struggling with who exactly I am, I have always from a young age been more comfortable in boys clothing,having a boys haircut, from a small age of course my mom would force me into dresses and do my hair and all that fuss I HATE it with a passion. I didnt want to be a girly girl but at the same time I didnt want to be a boy. We would fight constantly about my hair or having to wear a dress. I knew from a very young age I was a lesbian that part I knew for sure but I didnt know exactly what that meant, I came out to my mom when I was 11 and when I was finally allowed to dress myself and decide how to cut my hair, I went with a military cut, my mom was devastated all my golden curls as she calls them were gone. I still keep my hair short and I am most comfortable in a pair of guys jeans and a hoodie. Nothing about me is femme,except part of my personality. I have always prefered being called Hy or Hym but I know I dont want to actually be a He or a Him. I get irratated when I get confused in womens bathrooms and actualy after a terrible event that happened in one I wont go in alone, I am too scared. I have always had the ultra femme sister who I feel my mom loved more than me, was happier with than she was me.Anyway I guess im kind of rambling. When On a date I do the gentleman thing and I get the doors for her, I pay, I do what society expects of a male on a date.And at first in all of my relationships I am the tough butch, the one she can turn to and know its all okay, but over a period of time , it kinda disapears and I dont know if its because of my illness but I start to need her more,she becomes the tough rock that I once was for her. Dont get me wrong at the end of the day she knows she will always find comfort in my strong arms... BUT so what does this leave me, A butch or a femme? I have always had to chose either one, and I go with butch because I feel thats who I AM inside. I havent worn a dress since I was 10 and was able to give it up, but i still have that need of a woman,the need to be comforted sometimes.I guess I will continue the struggle until I find out who I really am wheather it be butch or just a really manly femme, Any advice on how to figure this one out? My relationship started our very happy, me being the butch,her the femme and now she jokes (even though we broke up) she jokes that I was just not butch enough, that at first I pretended to be butch but it disapeard about 8 months in, (of course thats when I found out I was sick) but still she said I turned into the whinniest of femmes and thats not what she wanted, yet I still have the very butch domme daddy side, so where do I go next? How do I figure out WHO I AM? Any advice would be great and hope no one gets angry at this post I am not trying to upset anyone just find my place in this world....
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As Bulldog said so well, who you are inside, is who you are.
Your ex-girl-friend may have just become uncomfortable or scared about your illness. All of us are products of this sexist society! There is an expectation that bio men act like manly men (show no perceived weakness) and always be tough and strong.
I think lesbian/dyke butches, as well as transmen, have bought into this societal expectation. It is hard to escape it. It is on TV, movies and in books.
Women, including lesbian and queer femmes (and maybe even transwomen) also buy into the myth. Women may say they want a sensitive partner but when that partner shows some sensitivity or vulnerability, they just may not know how to deal with it (or they just do not want to deal with it).
All of this aside: you are who you are. Becoming ill, showing sensitivity or shedding some tears, does not change who you are. More than once I have read a post where a butch calls crying "my eyes were leaking", rather than admit to crying. Reading that always makes me want to cry, for feeling so sad for them to not allow themselves their humanness for fear others would think them not butch enough or because it did not fit with their own butch self-image.
You may indeed need to find a femme that accepts you with all of your butch and human attributes. It will never make you less of a butch to not be afraid to show all of you to another.
You feel butch? You are therefore, butch.
This is my perspective as a humanist lesbian femme.