[PearlsNLace]

I wake up in the middle of the night, my heart is so fast I cant count the drumming against my temple. My body, wich is usually near vampiricly cold, is flush with heat and I fight the covers. Anything, nothing, races across my mind.

I wrestle control over my breathing. Will my heart to slow. I demand my brain to focus on peaceful images, and drift to a hard one sleep.

30 minutes? Sometimes 2 hours? repeat the process.

Camping this weekend helped. Celebrating a triumphant success with friends was a victory dance against the odds, surrounded by trees and friends. Sunday night I slept like a rock.
The restless night returned last night like a clueless, unexpected house guest returning with even more unwanted gifts.

I know that money is bothering me. There are very basic bills that simply never seem to get caught up. I breath uneasy as I write this. I know, that soon, its going to get easier. That day is not today. But there is food. I am loved. I think I may be able to pay my portion of the rent, with fingers crossed. The work is hard, and I need the rest, but I need the money so the rest can come.

I know that the dissaray of my house, compounded by fatigue and illness, grates at my peace and serenity.

The rain is dripping comfort on my garden of flowers and weeds. I will breath in the clean night air and pray. I will seek the comfort and solace of my beloved, and I will try to let the pressures I feel dissapate.