Honesty is kind of a funny thing. By funny I don’t necessarily mean haha funny, although at times it is that, I mean that honesty in terms of what is true is oddly obscure and often difficult to pin down. The reality is that honesty and truth are not interchangeable. Frequently they are not the same thing at all and are often worlds apart in thought, word and deed.
It would be nice if truth were black and white and easily understood when talking in terms of honesty. I have found that what is my truth today is not always my truth tomorrow. And I have a hard time feeling any depth of allegiance to something so abstract, fleeting and changeable. So while I could always answer honestly about how I see it today or how I am feeling about something at any given moment I am not the barometer of truth for anyone. I am wary of acting as a truth bringer for someone else. Do I like your purse or your dress or your choice of reading material? Who cares really? I could tell you honestly how I feel about any of those things or a number of others, but seriously what does that tell you about the purse or the dress or the book your are reading, or anything else for that matter? My answer would give you information about me. It would tell you about the kinds of clothes I like and the books I enjoy as well as give you a window into how I treat other human beings. But it would give you little information about the actual object or subject in question. So to me when someone asks something about their personal choices I understand it to mean that they are less interested in my personal opinion than they are in being made to feel validated about their choices. We all need that.
I tell myself that the person is not going to be comforted to hear that I think their dress is funny looking and the sleeves make me want to laugh out loud or that their bag is ridiculous and to me it looks like they are ready for a day or two at the beach. My opinion, that the bag could do double duty as a cooler and if I added a plastic liner and some ice or an ice pack I could keep my drinks and my food cold all day, is not something that needs to be shared with the owner of said bag. Likewise they don’t need to know that I find their choice of reading material misguided at best. Who the hell am I? I mean opinions are like assholes and mine is no more valid or less prone to bullshit than anyone else’s. I’m not even going to get started on the unconscious motivations or hidden agendas that are often deeply buried behind our so-called honesty.
For me, when I love people, my desire is to support them. I don’t find telling them I think their haircut is less than flattering is supportive. No matter how much honesty I believe I owe them. Or how nicely and kindly I choose to say it. If I am looking to always tell the truth, then the truth is that I don’t believe I am qualified to give an opinion regarding fashion or hairstyles. Nor am I a book, film or art critic. And if you are interested in me as a person you are already clear on my choice of fashion, film, art and reading material, as well as a host of other things. If you are paying attention, you know me. So when you ask me how I like your hair or your clothes you already know if it is something I would choose. And if it is not and you still ask me then you are looking for something other than my feelings about said object. You are asking me about how I feel about the thing in reference to YOU. How do I like it on you? I love you so I support your personal choices. I want you to express yourself. I don’t want you to express me. I can do that myself. So I will choose to answer in a way that is supportive of your expression of yourself.
As far as smelly people, I have found they are not surprised to know they smell. There are plethoras of honest people walking about dying to share their truth so there is little chance I would be the first to inform them of their offensive odor. I figure if they haven’t done something about it by now they are probably not going to just because I choose to be the bearer of the honest truth for them. So I could still tell them, but I have to be honest with myself if I choose to do that. I must understand that I am doing it because their stink pisses me off and I want them to know it and not because I believe I am doing them any favors.
I am fortunate that I have no relatives who have hygiene issues and I would not choose to have a close personal relationship with someone who has poor hygiene. So if someone who I love happened to smell for any reason it would be temporary and situational like working out hard or eating garlic shrimp and I wouldn’t feel the need to rush them into the shower or hand them a bottle of mouth wash even if I honestly felt that would be the best thing for them to do. I have never been in a relationship with anyone who felt inclined to go out or go to work after working out or eating onions without showering, brushing their teeth, gargling with mouth wash and sucking on a breath mint. And if someone chooses to do this, I doubt it’s because nobody has had the good manners to be honest with them. I think it is a much different problem than a lack of honesty from close personal friends and family.
As far as sex goes, for me it is important to be real.
When it comes to arguments, I will apologize for my part. I don’t look at an argument as a win/lose kind of thing, at least I try not to. I believe in compromise so I very rarely feel I am so right that I can’t be wrong.
I find myself disliking very few people and never have I disliked a friend of a partner. I like some people better than others but I rarely actively dislike anyone. So it’s hard to imagine what I might do. I’d like to think I would not feel it necessary to make my feelings about my wife’s friend matter at all.
I used to think that letting too many things "go" in a relationship would end up in a serious blow-up or break-up so I always tried for a resolution. I was never willing to let anything go. It had to be processed and worked through until everyone was satisfied. I was exhausting. Now I often mentally wander away from an argument long before it is resolved. I get bored with fighting. I don’t have to win. I don’t even have to always be understood. I seriously think about how important is something compared to my love for my wife. I don’t feel that I’m being compromised as a person by letting stuff go. Or that I’m stuffing my feelings. I never stuff my feelings. Noone who is close to me ever wonders how I feel about something. It’s just that I don’t make my feelings the truth of anything. Just because I feel some way doesn’t mean I have to get my way.
I like to think that honesty is important to me, but it is not the kind of honesty that needs to tell someone what I think about their clothes or their hairstyle or their friends. It’s more an honesty of commitment, an honesty of emotional depth and openness, an honesty of the heart, a willingness to show you honestly and fearlessly who I am. And If I am in a relationship with someone who has the depth of love and the strength of character to do that for me, the kind of honesty they will get back will be honest love and compassion and an honest desire to protect and honor what they have shown me. And an honest acceptance without judgment of who they are.
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