Newbie Monkey

[monkeygirl]

Hi,

Thanks for coming by to meet me! I only discovered the butch/femme websites very recently, like only a couple of days before butch-femme went offline though I just saw that they're back. Anyway, I had wanted to introduce myself and then I wrote a whole book below for anyone who is bored and cares to read some rambling thoughts. Anyway, don't feel the need to! If you feel like it, say 'hi.'

Trish, a.k.a. monkey girl (because they're my favorite kind of animals!)




I just feel like writing about myself and some of the struggles I've had regarding my sexuality and if anybody feels inclined to read it, go ahead.

I've had attractions to girls and boys throughout my life. I can't remember my first real boy attraction. My first real-life female crush was my 6th grade science teacher. She was totally butch and very attractive. When I was in high school, two famous people I had the hots for were Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam and kd Lang. Anyway, I was confused because I was never sure if I was gay or straight. I somehow ended up in an all girl's college but that really had nothing to do with my sexual orientation. While there, I took the gay class because I wanted to but I ended up just feeling like an outsider and embarrassed to be there. I'd slink into the room, avoid looking around, and probably sit there red-faced the whole period long when I did attend. All the other people in the class seemed so confident in their sexuality/gayness and I never was. I was confused and I didn't think anybody would understand. So I struggled with my sexual orientation without ever sharing my thoughts on it with anyone, gay or straight. Actually, I pretty much kept all my thoughts and emotions to myself; I wasn't really open about much at all. I had lived with major anxiety since I was young and when I think back to my college days, it seems like I was living in some kind of daze.

Anyway, during college, I did date a few guys and one girl but none of them really ended up appealing to me. I also had attractions to various girls and guys but I never actually got to know any of them so it never seemed to count for much. Finally, my senior year of college, I started dating this guy and as we got to know each other, I ended up really liking him a lot. After having struggled with my gay/straight dilemma for so long, I finally knew I was straight. I would have been okay with being gay, had I instead met a girl I had really liked, but that's not what happened. This guy was handsome, an artist (I've always looked up to creative people), and he was also really nice... his favorite animals are dolphins because they always look like they are smiling. (I love animals so much that I'm studying so I can work with them so that meant a lot to me.) Unfortunately, the feelings were not mutual. We ended up carrying on some kind of strange hybrid friendship/fwb on and off for years and it was total torture for me. I guess I hadn't completely cleared up the gay/straight dilemma 100% because I do remember eventually telling him one time how I was sometimes confused and thought I might be gay. But for the most part, from the time I met him onward, I assumed I was straight and no longer considered dating girls. I became really good at both ignoring things that didn't fit in with my straight mind-frame and other times just assuming that most straight girls experience a lot of the same things that I do.

About three years ago, I ran into one of my girl attractions from college. This girl is totally butch which I'm drawn to in women. I was waiting for the bus and this cab pulled up in front of me and she got out. It was 10 years since I had seen her and despite having the worst memory, I still remembered her name which I think probably surprised her because I had avoided talking to her even though we had had two classes together. As it turned out, my bus stop happened to be right in front of her building. We ended up chatting for a bit and then my bus came. A few days later, while I was sitting and waiting for the bus again, she showed up and sat down right next to me. I don't remember what we were chatting about. All I remember is suddenly feeling this extreme sexual stimulation. I felt like she was dipping her finger right into my second chakra and spinning it around. I had never experienced anything like that. And when the bus showed up, we both got on but instead of sitting next to her like I should have (she moved in next to the window for me to sit with her), I practically ran to the back of the bus. She didn't turn around and that was the last time that I saw her. And I didn't think much about it after despite the fact that I had never experienced something so powerful while just chatting with someone.

Then, about a year ago, I met and got to know a girl I really like, so much that I would have liked her to be my girlfriend. It was so strange because I had been thinking for so long that I was straight and all of a sudden, it hits me that I must be bisexual. I've never wanted to be bisexual because in a large way, I never really thought it was possible. I thought you had to choose gay or straight. Instead, I've come to realize that it is possible. All these feelings and experiences I had discounted for so long have suddenly become real and taken their place in my life. I don't need to push feelings of excitement or attraction towards girls or guys aside. I just don't want to deny any feelings that I have because it feels bad to do that.

Anyway, I've tried to meet girls online, more so that I can have gay friends though there was one girl who really interested me on OkCupid. I messaged her and then a few others for friends but none of them responded! Maybe my profile sucked? Maybe my pictures didn't appeal to anyone? Maybe the girls I messaged don't like my bisexual status? Anyway, I got discouraged and I ended up pulling my profile a couple of weeks ago. But I love reading about all things queer online which is how I found this website. One thing that I like about this website is that it seems like there's a lot of variety of people who are misfits for the traditional, limited categories available for gender and sexuality. I've generally always been attracted to more masculine women and more feminine men. Three times now I've liked guys while simultaneously wondering if they're gay. Why, I don't know? And I particularly think that butch women hold some kind of special power, it gives meaning to that 'je ne sais quoi' phrase for me. I don't know if it's just me or if they really do have what I feel or if that's just my attraction towards them. But I get incredibly nervous and excited any time I come across a butch I find hot. And I no longer assume that this is normal for at least most straight girls.

I think I need to wrap this up. If anyone does read all this, I hope it was not boring. And I hope it wasn't obnoxious of me to write so much. It's just all the stuff that I've been thinking about over the past few months. I know sometimes people have preconceptions about bisexuals being flakey, indecisive, secretly gay, actually straight, or something else. It can be frustrating to see that the label that best describes you really doesn't describe you well at all. I think bisexual as a label encompasses far too much different stuff under it. In fact, I wish that we could just drop all labels because I think that there are probably plenty more people who limit themselves by trying to adhere to their label just like I used to do. Things are way more fluid and far less cut and dry than we like to think. But I understand that as humans we have a need to classify. I just wish there was a label for me that doesn't seem so negative, I guess.