would you date someone with significantly different beliefs?

[aishah]

religious, political, or other...?

this isn't a "all people who believe x are awful and i can't stand them, of course i wouldn't date them" thread...more a...what are your experiences dating across boundaries of belief and conviction? how does belief play into your relationships?

i find this topic really interesting. i have a lot of friends who won't date folks with significantly different religious/political beliefs, even when they have chemistry. i think that totally makes sense, given what they are looking for in a partner.

but for me, i have always dated people with different religious beliefs and often with different political beliefs than mine, so my experience is pretty different from theirs. i haven't found it a barrier most of the time.

one of the exceptions is an ex whose mother didn't want him to marry a non-christian. but she loved me like a daughter...she just didn't want me for a daughter-in-law. i'm really close to him and his family and we are best friends...part of why i moved to kansas was to be closer to them. but that was a huge sticking point when we were together (although it was not the main reason we broke up - we were terrible for each other for lots of other reasons, hehe).

one of the worst dating experiences i've had was with a woman who had very similar political beliefs to mine. the ending of the relationship didn't make any sense to me at all (she basically just...broke off all contact with me and avoided me for no particular reason, according to her). so again it had nothing to do with our beliefs. but i found our similar beliefs didn't really change the nature of the ups and downs in the relationship.

one thing that is really frustrating and common is that all of my partners have tended to make fun of my religious beliefs. both of my current partners do this, and so do two of my exes who i am still close friends with. neither one of my current partners is particularly religious - one is a secular buddhist and the other is a secular jew - so the fun-making tends to be both over my seemingly contradictory religious beliefs and over the fact that i am very religious in the first place. (though i really, truly, honestly do not care whether other people are and don't try to drag anyone else into it.)

both of my current partners were also conservative when i first met them. one has since become a flaming liberal, the other is still a conservative republican (mostly fiscal conservative). i'm...well...so far to the left i don't even fit in "liberal progressive" communities sometimes. but honestly, other than a few heated debates - which come up like once every two years, practically - it hasn't caused tension. i guess part of it is that it's not in my nature to argue...i avoid political discussions unless they touch on social justice issues i feel very strongly about, and then i am careful about how much i engage. i don't debate for the sake of debating, ever. one of the blessings is that we've also come to see each other's perspectives a lot. for example, because of both of their experience in the military and security, i have a greater appreciation for some of the political issues underlying security in our country. and because of my poor/working class background, they have a greater appreciation for why safety net programs are important.

i like having intimacy with people around issues like identity and belief, but i guess i tend to date people with very different identities (in terms of class, race, ability, sometimes even gender and orientation, etc.) and very different beliefs, and i haven't found it a barrier. i also have friends with a wide range of beliefs, although most of my close friends have similar political beliefs.