Auntie Diva's Story Time

[Diva]

Hello, boys and girls....

Auntie Diva's Story Time has arrived.....

Occasionally, something of an amusing nature will happen to your Auntie Diva and she will make a story from it. If you want to come and listen, I will bestow up you your "cousin name".....don't argue with me or your Auntie Diva will make you get a switch from her pecan tree.

So stay tuned, kids.....Auntie Diva went to the doctor this morning and there's a story right there! I'll be back to tell you all about it.

Auntie Diva may or may not embellish.


Signed,
Auntie Diva, story~teller for the children......

[Abigail Crabby]

Subscribing - and anxiously awaiting the first story !!!

[Julie]

Subscribing as well **

[Diva]

Good evening, boys and girls.....gather 'round....it's time for yet another story from your Auntie Diva......

Your applause is deafening.

This is the story of my dream......

Now....I must admit, boys and girls, your Auntie Diva cannot share ALL of her dreams with you....oh no, no, no.....but sometimes, you could find your Auntie Diva's "dreams" on the internets. If you find that you cannot get to them, then you have been blocked, boys and girls, and you will have to wait until you are 21, or know how to hack into Auntie Diva's Gateway.

Nevermind.

So.....this is the dream about your Auntie Diva at the Miss America Pageant. I SAID it was a dream, boys and girls.

I have found myself at the Miss America Scholarship Pageant......now....don't let them kid you, boys and girls.....there is no scholarship involved here unless it's a scholarship for bikini design and fire baton.

But in your Auntie Diva's dream, the Master of Ceremonies is Eric McCormack. You remember Mr. McCormack, boys and girls. He was Will of Will and Grace. All I can say is that Mr. McCormack must have a very lame agent, boys and girls, to lasso a gig like the Miss America Scholarship Pageant, that's all I'm gonng say about THAT.

But he was a sweet boy.

For SOME reason, your Auntie Diva was working in a backstage capacity....I'm not sure what I was doing there....but I did manage to go out onto the stage and participate in a dance number with the girls . I know.

I was quite fetching, I must say. I was wearing some long evening gown sorta thing.....and clearly, I had stolen Queen Elizabeth's cape....You know....the red one with the white fur around the edge? Yeah...that's the one.....

There I am, boys and girls.....spinning around on that stage like a whirling dervish. I'm surprised I didn't fall down!

And so here we are....done with the dance.....and off the stage we go.....and the girls are off to change into their bikinis and Mr. McCormack and I hear the cue music for their bikini competition!

What!?!?!?!?!?! What has happened!?!?!?!?!

Mr. McCormack is screaming....."Go talk to the audience! GO TALK TO THE AUDIENCE ....... STALL!!!!"

So there I went.....out onto the stage! Oh yes I did, boys and girls.....mic in hand!

Did I mention there were tens of thousands in the audience? And judges? (One of whom was Fabio, of course.)

So I walk out and say, "I can only imagine your supreme disappointment that I am out here and not the lovely contestants in their bikinis, but Goodyear was fresh out. Yes....I know that many of you out there secretly dream of being in a beauty pageant.....so feel free to live vicariously through me."

I was hysterical.

"But if YOU want to be in a pageant, follow these simple steps, and you TOO can be standing where I am! Here's what You do:

First, wait for all the girls to come backstage. And, as they're coming down the steps in their 4~inch, closer-to-Jesus pumps, casually stretch out your foot <exhibit>....WHOOPS!"

I am happy to report, ladies and gentemen, that Miss Texas will only be in traction for a month or so."

The audience is hysterical, boys and girls. I could smell an Auntie Diva SITCOM......

"THEN....You have a cape made out of some endangered species ~ or, as in my case ~ a very large endangered species.....OR....steal it from the Queen....or A queen...whichever is easiest......and you're all set.

"And lastly....you absolutely need to know and master the parade wave. So....hold up your left hands.....you too, Sir....judges? Don't think you can't learn something....get 'em up! Now do what I do.....

"Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, touch the pearls and blow a kiss! And there You have it, ladies and gentlemen! Nice job, Fabio!"

And that was my dream, boys and girls.....your Auntie Diva even woke up laughing this morning! It was choice. It would have been nice to see if I won.....but it was not meant to be, I guess......


Signed,
Queen for a Day, your Auntie Diva

[Diva]

Hello children.....gather 'round.....Auntie Diva has a story to tell.....

One day, Auntie Diva went on a trip to the north country. It was a long, long trip. She was on her way to Minnesota to sing for a wedding! Isn't that fun?

So, drive, drive. See Auntie Diva drive!!!

She crossed the Red River into Oklahoma...where the wind comes whippin' down the plains! There were surreys with fringe on the top and EVERYthing!

So, Auntie Diva is practicing her songs for the wedding....la la la .....toodling along.....

"My Romance...doesn't have to have a moon in the sky....." It is a good song, boys and girls....one of Auntie Diva's favorites!! "....no castle rising in Spain...." and the castle is rising....the car is rising...and unbeknownst to Auntie Diva, the speed of her car is ALso rising....and as she tops the hill....

LO AND BEHOLD (Yes...this is a vague reference to our Lord and Savior, sweet infant baby Jeebus....) ~ and how good of the boy to wait for Auntie Diva....It was Officer Davis, boys and girls!!!!

And because he knew Auntie Diva loves shiny/sparkly.....he flashed his lights for Auntie Diva.

Yes, children.....Auntie Diva broke one of the [many] laws of this great land of ours: Do not sing about Spanish castles in Oklahoma!!!!! And the nice Officer Davis smiled as he said "Press down hard, you're making 3 copies."

I'll be pressing down on the printing press as I print $220.00 of brand new twenties to send to the lovely bosses of the nice Officer Davis, whose children will soon have new shoes, thanks to Auntie Diva.



The end.

~Auntie Diva, Speed Demonette

[Diva]

Good afternoon, boys and girls!! It's Auntie Diva!!! Gather 'round for Auntie Diva's Story Time......this is another story about your Auntie Diva's trip to the North Country with your cousin Shizzle. (Just G)

It was a lovely day in the north country! The sun was shining and it was oh such a lovely day for cousin Stacy's and cousin Mike's wedding!

But before that....your cousin Shizzle and Auntie Diva decided to drive around the throbbing ~ I mean thriving metropolis of Rochester, MN!!!!

Cousin Shizzle was driving Auntie Diva's Soccer Mom Van and nearly hit a Pakistani girl. OUCH! That would have left a mark! Do You know how to say "Look both ways, little Pakistani girl! Look both ways!"?? Let's say it together, boys and girls:


"Look both ways, little Paskistani girl! Look both ways!"


Very GOOD, children!

So. There we were! There were piles of frozen snow on every corner...of course, it had been there for so long, boys and girls, it was hard as a rock! And filthy as your cousin Shizzle's potty mouth! No snow angels for Auntie Diva!!

There we were....drive, drive, drive!

Boys and girls? Did You know that the Mayo Clinic is in Rochester, MN? Oh yes it is! Let's go get our maps, shall we? Minnesota is also called the Land of 10,000 Lakes!! Of course, Auntie Diva is wondering what person in their right mind would have the time to go and COUNT those lakes?!?

I'll bet they had a calculator! Which is today's lesson! Good healthy lake~counting ALways requires a calculator! Did You know that the lakes freeze solid, boys and girls? Oh yes, they DO! And today, we saw two brave but ugly birds who were actually STANDING on the lake! They had caught a FISH, boys and girls, and were eating and pecking the bejeebus out of it for lunch!

Yum, brave ugly birds! YUM!

Then, your Auntie Diva and cousin Shizzle saved the best for last! Nooooooo....You silly monkeys!! Not THAT!

Your Auntie Diva and cousin Shizzle found the big tower on the edge of town that had a giant ear of corn on it....sticking straight up it was! It was disturbing in a way. Your Auntie Diva and cousin Shizzle may post some picture in their galleries soon of some of their poses with their new friend, Mr Corn Cob Stuck On The Tower!!! I'm SURE You could print these out and they would be suitable for coloring! In fact, if You blew them UP, You TOO could have some intense laughter and fun! Your Auntie Diva may or may not have required the Depends on that day.



The end.


Love You, Puppets!
~Auntie Diva, Lover O' The Corn Cob

[Diva]

Originally Posted by Abigail Crabby

Subscribing - and anxiously awaiting the first story !!!

Originally Posted by InfiniteFemme

Subscribing as well **

Oh look, boys and girls!!! It's cousin Abs and cousin Iffy, come to play!!! Now be good little girls and get your Auntie Diva a martini.......


~Auntie Diva

[Andrew, Jr.]

Subscribing to this!

[Diva]

......and cousin Jr. TOO!

[morningstar55]

Originally Posted by Diva

Hello, boys and girls....

Auntie Diva's Story Time has arrived.....

Occasionally, something of an amusing nature will happen to your Auntie Diva and she will make a story from it. If you want to come and listen, I will bestow up you your "cousin name".....don't argue with me or your Auntie Diva will make you get a switch from her pecan tree.

So stay tuned, kids.....Auntie Diva went to the doctor this morning and there's a story right there! I'll be back to tell you all about it.

Auntie Diva may or may not embellish.


Signed,
Auntie Diva, story~teller for the children......

mmm .. umm . **innocent bashful look.... and in a quiet voice**... i like pecans

[Diva]

Good afternoon, boys and girls....its way past time for another story from your Auntie Diva!!!

Yes...it's been a long time, but there haven't been any stories to tell....ok, none that were FIT to tell the children......

But alas, I have one today, boys and girls, for your Auntie Diva went to The Ikea....and mayhem ensued. Oh yes, it did, boys and girls.

Your cousin Tabitha and I decided to visit The Ikea (there's an acronym in there somewhere) for a little Retail Therapy, boys and girls. Can you say "Retail Therapy"? Yes! This is when you decide that life is getting you down and so you decide to go spend money that you probably shouldn't spend, ignoring the clear reality that, soon, that, too, will come back to bite your ass in a most unpleasant way.

But your Auntie Diva digresses.

Well....so the day before we were to go to The Ikea, your Auntie Diva was taking a shower (she does some of her best thinking there) and it occurred to her that she had double~booked!

OH NO! boys and girls, OH NO!

Yes, it's true.

Your Auntie Diva got a new dishwasher and it was to be delivered around the same time as your cousin Tabitha and your Auntie Diva were to have breakfast ~ to gird our loins ~ before the grand shopping expedition.

So your Auntie Diva picked up the phone and called your cousin Tabitha to inform her that perhaps we could go a little later ~ the dishwasher was to be delivered in the morning.

Well, Rudy called me the next morning to tell me that the delivery would probably be "a little later....noon". That was ok.....The Ikea closes at nine. More than enough time to do some damage....I mean, get some good therapy.

You see what is about to happen here, don't You boys and girls?

Yes....the morning passed slowly. No dishwasher. At 1:27, your Auntie Diva decided to have some conversation with Mr. Rudy and he then informed me that Martin would probably not be there until between 4 and 6.

Was your Auntie Diva happy to hear this news? Oh no, boys and girls, no she was not. This could only mean that more therapy would need to take place.

Your cousin Tabitha decided to come over and we waited for Martin. Wait, wait, wait, boys and girls. There was just so much scratching of Lucy's tummy we could do. Then.....our eyes lit up because we hear the sound of a big truck coming! It was like Santa!

It was 5:20-ish. They brought the dishwasher....it was lovely.....I shooed Martin out the door and your cousin Tabitha and your Auntie Diva made like a bat out of h-e-double hockey sticks for Therapy.

We made it to the Therapist's Office around 6....that still gave us 3 good hours, right?

We got inside and took a deep breath.....ah....the lovely scent of household merchandise......shop, Auntie Diva, SHOP!

We touched pretty much everything......the bath mats....the baskets....the candles....the magnetic spice racks and the coffee presses......but then, it was time to load up the serious stuff.....Auntie Diva was getting a book case.

There they were...all stacked up in the boxes....but could your Auntie Diva even budge that sucker? Oh hell no.

Just then, we saw a guy with his back to us in a bright yellow shirt. Your cousin Tabitha said, "Excuse me, could you help us?"

He stood up and turned around......

I do believe your cousin Tabitha and your Auntie Diva held hands and our collective drool ran from one corner of our lipsticked lips.....for there, boys and girls.....there facing us......even now, I'm holding my breath....facing us was one of the loveliest butches we had ever seen. We won't discuss the age of this gorgeous hunk of Universal creation, but suffice it to say the word "Cougar" MAY have crossed my mind.

So she came over to help us, and I'm pretty sure I decided I wanted 6 more of those bookcases....

It was a heavenly moment as we stalked ~ I mean followed her down the other aisle as she helped someone else.

Then, we checked out and decided we needed sustenance in the form of Cajun food. So your cousin Tabitha called cousin Charmer to meet us and off we went to the Razoo's across the driveway from The Ikea....in our weakened condition, we could not drive too far.

To be continued......

[Diva]

.....so......
we drove across the driveway and I let your cousin Tabitha out to get our name on the list. Of course, just as soon as I did, there was a parking place (your Auntie Diva has good parking karma, boys and girls) right there by the restaurant!

We had a 20 minute wait, but we got to sit on the bench by the door ~ inside and out of the humidity. We were also close to the hostess stand where all the cute little waitresses with their fake~bake tans would come and hang out.

One of them gave me the pager, but I swear, boys and girls, it looked like a taser gun! I may have remarked same to the girl who handed it to me....and she came back over and said she agreed and then she stuck her arm out for me to "taser".

I believe the tanning beds might add a bit of smart ass to one's personality, for she jerked her body around as though I DID taser her, which in turn, scared your Auntie Diva!!! They all laughed and made sport of me. But then i said...."You better watch out! I'm an old woman and I believe I just peed myself!"

For just a split second, she believe I may very well HAD peed myself and we may have laughed so hard then, I believe I might have peed myself then! LOL! It was a moment of levity, boys and girls!

So then we were seated. Your cousin Charmer had yet to arrive, but we ordered an appetizer of fried alligator and rat toes. Don't ask, boys and girls......but there are rats running amok on tiny little crutches somewhere....

I digress.

We also ordered some sort of frozen concoction which had melon and raspberry liqueur in it. It was worth it just to get the Mardi Gras beads, boys and girls! It was festive.

It HAD occurred to us to SAVE some of the fried alligator for your cousin Charmer....but we kept talking and kept eating until ~ OH NO ~ there was none left.....just as cousin Charmer walked in the door, your cousin Tabitha tripped a poor busboy and got him to carry off the evidence....I mean the empty plate.

The older I get, boys and girls, the more difficult it is to maintain a look of innocence. But it looked something like this:

We ordered our food then from our waiter, Val, whose most charming feature was to say "My pleasure" every 2 seconds. He rather looked like one of last season's American Idol top 10 contestants with the blond dreads and the guitar...remember him, boys and girls? Val ~ whose name, he was quick to inform us, was short for Valentino ~ didn't know who I meant, when I mentioned this to him. But his MOTHER would know as she watches it all the time.

At one point, boys and girls, we needed Val's assistance. Your cousins were sweetly waving to him, trying to get his attention. He was standing just outside the door, holding court with about 5 of the fake bakers.....after about 30 seconds of their genteel waving, your Auntie Diva said, "Oh please!" and cupped her hands around her mouth and ~ in her best middle school teacher, Toppy McTopperson voice, yelled, "VAL!"

He heard me.

We allowed Val My Pleasure to talk us into a bread pudding. We thought we might each get one, but Val My Pleasure said they were pretty good sized so we opted for one and 3 spoons.

It was a good thing we did that, boys and girls, as that bread pudding was THE SIZE OF MY HEAD! But it was ever so yummy! And a grand way to end our Retail Therapy!

We drove to La Hacienda, full as full can be....

It was a good day, boys and girls.....a very good day! And so ends another story from your Auntie Diva!

[Ms. Tabitha]

I do believe IKEA will NEVER be the same again.
My side still hurts from laughing so hard!
Great night and great shopping!!

[TxsCharmr]

Yes, yall, it was a most joyful evening with two spectacular ladies....but....As I arrived at the dinner table it was like starin at two rabid dawgs. They were both still foamin at the mouth from the encounter at IKEA.
It was indeed an experience and Razoo's gets two thumbs up for food and service!!
Cuzn Charmr

[Diva]

Originally Posted by TxsCharmr

Yes, yall, it was a most joyful evening with two spectacular ladies....but....As I arrived at the dinner table it was like starin at two rabid dawgs. They were both still foamin at the mouth from the encounter at IKEA.
It was indeed an experience and Razoo's gets two thumbs up for food and service!!
Cuzn Charmr

It was the fried alligator and the rat toes....just sayin'....

[Ms. Tabitha]

Originally Posted by TxsCharmr

Yes, yall, it was a most joyful evening with two spectacular ladies....but....As I arrived at the dinner table it was like starin at two rabid dawgs. They were both still foamin at the mouth from the encounter at IKEA.
It was indeed an experience and Razoo's gets two thumbs up for food and service!!
Cuzn Charmr

OK.. I don't know about that foamin thing.. seriously
I do know that I should stick to a glass of wine and NOT a frozen whatever-the-hell-that-was with mardi gras beads and a sword
Thanks to "VAL" and Chick Fil A, I now find myself wanting to say, "My pleasure"instead of "Thank you".
I wonder how that will go over on a 911 call?