What will happen when you die?

[Ciaran]

What will happen when you die?


When I ask this question, I’m not inquiring whether there is an after life and, if there is, what form it will take but rather I’m talking about what will happen in the immediate days after your death?


Is this something that you think about? Have you already made arrangements? Does it concern or worry you or, since you’ll be dead anyway, you won’t care?


As I continue into middle-age, I find that I’m attending more funerals – aunts, uncles, parents of friends and so on. Like many other aspects of Irish life, many death rituals remain – people are usually buried within two or three days of death and in the run-up to the funeral, a “wake” is held in which people will stay constantly around-the-clock, day and night, by the open coffin.


I’m not sure if it’s due to these funerals but I find that what will happen to me on death is increasingly on my mind. It’s not something that keeps me awake at night nor does it cause me undue stress nor am I morbid about it. However, it is definitely somewhere in my mind. Therefore, whilst I’m still not sure what I’m trying to tell myself about what I want on death, I know there’s some need or desire within me; maybe I will understand better as I age.


Let me explain further. The funerals I’ve attended in recent years have been large and local affairs – for example, held in the small town where my family was raised for generations (family graves back to the 1600s in the cemetery and so on), the church service held in the same church where the deceased had been baptised 80 years earlier, the attendees at the funeral service who had known the deceased since pre World War Two days and so on.


My parents, who are in their late 60s and hopefully still have many years in this world left, had already planned what will happen when they die almost 40 years ago – it was something that they agreed shortly after they got married. By agreeing, it was in terms of whether they would both be buried in the grave of my mother’s parents or the grave of my father’s parents. So for decades, they’ve known the spot in the earth that will be their resting place.


A part of my issue with what will happen when I die is inextricably linked to my sense of place. Place is all-important to me. It defines me. Returning to Belfast by plane, the approach over the Irish Sea is beautiful. Yet, strangely, one of my first thoughts as I see the lights of Belfast is that, if the plane goes down now, at least I’ll die on home soil. That conveys to me that it’s probably important that I am scattered at home and, if I have the choice, to die there too.


And, yes, "scattered" as I would prefer cremation to burial. Cremation remains disliked by most Irish Catholics (the practice was outlawed by the Church until 1963 but is still frowned upon by many). However, I’d prefer cremation to burial – I don’t like graveyards and would rather my ashes were scattered somewhere poignant and positive to me.


The whole issue of “dying at home” and “scattered at home” is something that my parents and their forefathers and foremothers have not had to contend with but I do. My life path will likely take me to the Philippines in another 5 to 7 years and I’m not planning on returning to live in Northern Ireland for a decade or so after that - and who knows if that will happen or not ……..... it leaves plenty of opportunity to die abroad, likely in a place where I have no family and possibly limited real friendships.


Even if I do return home to die, the challenges are greater for my generation than for my parents. Due to the Irish economic crash, my generation is one of diaspora. Many of us, who spent our childhood and formative adult years growing up together, have since left our home city of Belfast for parts of Great Britain or Australia or elsewhere. We maybe see each other once a year if we are lucky so whilst these are real friendships, their quality is ironically both more nostalgic and more electronic than the friendships of my parents’ generation which remain more day-to-day, face-to-face.


Therefore, how many of my family and friends will be in Belfast for my funeral when I do return to die? At this stage, it looks like many will never return – and I wouldn’t expect many friends to travel half-way across the world to attend a funeral service at very short notice.


As I stated above, I still haven’t quite worked out what all of this means or what I really want. However, wondering if others here also think about the practicalities of the days immediately following their death?


In particular, there are additional challenges for many in this community due to their LBGT status and, in many cases, being disowned by family. Also, specific challenges due to lack of marriage status and, potentially for many trans-folk, issues re legal gender status versus lived or preferred gender status.


So, back to my question, what will happen when you die?

[Laidbackgrly]

I am coming back and i am gonna haunt people

[Chancie]

I had a very bad health scare recently.

I survived a medical event which would have led to my death, had it gone untreated.

Before I realized what was going on, I worried about Pete.

Where would she live if I died?

How much time would she have to grieve if I died in the hospital?

After I got home, I asked my mother to promise that she would not kick Pete out of my house, and she did, but

It is clear to me that I have to make some legal arrangements.

We just moved in together, and I doubt I will put her on the deed, and

If we were to split up, the house would still be mine, but

If something were to happen to me, I would want Pete to have the security of her home.

[Miss_J]

Oddly enough this is something that has been on my mind as well.
I've made some plans as to who gets what, not that there is much of anything except pictures and momentos of people and places in my life.
I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered at home in Montana where my brother and father before me have had theirs scattered.

My greatest concern at the moment is what will happen to my pup? Will she be taken care of and loved like I love her and would care for her? Will she end up in a shelter? Will the person I've asked to care for her actually be ready willing and able to provide a home for her?
The two people I know would without a doubt care for her and love her are across the states from me and I have no idea how to provide direction or means to 1. Care for her before they can take her or 2. Provide for the expenses involved in getting her to that place.

Ciaran, thank you for your post.

[sis]

This topic has crossed my mind several times during my adult life. I haven't lived with my bio family since I was in my late teens. Now, as my employment takes me further from 'home' I do think about 'going home' when I pass away. I love my country of birth and would like to buried deep in the soil of the prairies near Lake Winnipeg. I have nothing planned other than having shared my thoughts that I want to be cremated - my standard comment is put me in a quart sealer as a tribute to my grandmother who loved to cook, bake and preserve food. Other than that, I haven't really thought out the logistics.

[Vivacious1]

This is a good thread. I know that most of us would rather not think about death. The sure thing is that we will die at some point. As I have gotten older I have also thought a great deal about when I die. What will happen?
My G/F and I have actually discussed this at great length and have already, and continue to make arrangements to not only relieve family of the burden of our death (financially) but to set into place the actions that are to be taken at the time of our death.
I have learned a great deal from her about being responsible even when we die.
Some of the things we have found to be important are:
1) a will (suprisingly anything written/signed by you) (preferably notorized, but not necassary) will most likely hold up after you die.) The things I found important to include were, where I would like to be buried, the tone of the event, the dispersment of monies and property etc....
2) Life insurance- while some find this to be rather daunting and even morbid, I find it to be security. I know that when I go that I can take care of myself, my final expenses (which will ease the burden on the people I love) and take care of the people I love as well.
3) I have written some persoal notes for those in my life because I know that when people that I love have passed away, I longed for something, some final word (one last thing)

Now that I have stated all that mumbo jumbo.... What will happen after I die?
Life will go on. This is a big thing that has been on my mind. While we will always be remembered and missed, maybe even tears shed from time to time, Our life is short. We have sometimes one chance to make a difference. I know that sometimes we think of all the things that we hope to have or achieve in the future (if this happens, I will do this) (Always putting off today for what may happen tomorrow) What if today is the last day? My goal is to let the people I love know it. Try to live today and hope for more days. I hope to leave behind something that made a difference in the lives of people I was blessed to be a part of. I hope that they smile or even laugh when they think of me, my sarcastic ways, my blunt tone etc... Most of all, the fact that I loved with passion.

[Rockinonahigh]

I recently bought a final expence policy to cover whatever needs doing after I pass on,I have a will that covers what ever estate I may have wich he will get,my fur kids will be with my son who I share a house with.The fur kids love him almost as much as they do me.My son has a fue close friends the rest of the people he knows are co workers and others who pass through his life,he is to much like me unfourtunatly but with the world as it is it is probly better to just keep things close to the vest.I chose cremation then he will bring me home and put me on my trophie case faceing the window.I told him when the time comes I will always be there just speak to me and I will hear and respond in some way just be open minded about how I do it.I was going to get a life inshurance policy but the disablity office said if I did they would take it from my boy cause of me being on disablity its sort of a pay back to them.All I can say if F to the sso will do what I must so my passing wont be a financable burden to him,he has worked very hard to have what he has and achived in his life time,like his own slice of the american dream pie.
One thing for shure there are a fue people who I will haunt just for fun,I mean a little karma will keep them wondering.

[Gráinne]

Well, I know exactly what I don't want.

When my oldest brother died in Illinois, his widow never thought to call me or his daughters from his previous marriage-we all had to find out secondhand, then drive like a maniac (thank God it was only a six hour drive from Arkansas) to reach the funeral on time. The daughters drove from the opposite direction, from Minnesota.

The funeral-there he was, in his open coffin (not commonly done in my family), and it was a shock as my kids had never seen that before. Then canned hymns and words from the ancient funeral director, who hadn't known him well. My brother died of a heart attack in his own kitchen, and the director made note that he "was in Jesus's arms before he hit the floor". With the shock and grief, I nearly burst out laughing but it came out a sob. Same with his daughters, next to me.

Then the widow had him buried in Chicago, which is an inconvenient place to "visit" him, as there's no family there. I don't know why he's there, except maybe that was his wife's home. Yeah, you could say I was bitter for a long while after that.

When my middle brother died, he had the full military funeral at Arlington National Cemetery. He had been divorced from my sister-in-law for twenty years, but they remained very close. She and my nephews arranged the funeral, making sure everyone approved, then arranged a reception at a hotel afterwards. It was so "him", I bawled.

My parents did the same thing as Ciaran's parents, but they were cremated and are in a niche together. They didn't want the children to have to go to that expense while in shock. Both of them had included how they wanted their memorial service to go in their wills. I gave a eulogy for my father.

As for me-I've been thinking of this too. The catch is that I don't see myself living in America after about 5-6 years. My children will be grown by then, and I've long known that even though I am from here, I'm not of here. I live here, but I'm not home.

It was my thought that my children and their families hold a memorial service in the States. I will have a suggested playlist in my final papers, with not a sad hymn in sight. It will at least include Led Zepplin's "Over The Hills and Far Away", some Van Morrison, and a favorite Warren Zevon song. Perhaps some other selections that show my absolute lack of good taste and dark sense of humor. I want laughter. If there's an insistence on a reading, then Isaiah 55:12.

Then I will be cremated, and my children bring me back to a place I haven't found yet, to be scattered. I don't know all the legalities of this, but it will be long arranged ahead of time (I hope).

I understand a type of "diaspora", in a sense. American society is very mobile, and most of my family has moved far from our home state. Thus, my family is buried in Chicago, Washington D.C., Wisconsin, and Ohio. Further generations back are also all over the place. It's a further issue when your home country isn't even "home".

[deb_U_taunt]

I have bought a box and cremation services. I don't want to leave the responsibility to anyone to have to carry around my remains or have to figure out what I want.
In the last year I have put all insurance papers and bank passwords in a safe, which my mom and daughter have keys to. I became solvent at the beginning of this year. I added both to my bank accounts.
I have put names and dates and put in folders all my pictures and framed and hung so many more.
I have sold my house and moved closer to family.
My mom and one sister said they will take care of my baby (dog).

I used to believe we became worm food. But my grandma passed away a year ago and her energy is with me everyday. My grandpa (her husband of 71 years) and her dog passed away within months of her. I know she pulled them to her.

[Tuff Stuff]

Originally Posted by Laidbackgrly

I am coming back and i am gonna haunt people

I'm with you.I think i'll linger around a bit not to scare anyone.Oh i'm going to have an horrendous death like some bomb going off in my face i'm not wishing it but I have this horrible feeling that my final moments are going to be bad.I wonder if its true that after you are dead that our spirits can wonder all over this world and perhaps other galaxies? If that's the case then i'll be looking forward to the other side.I have a Will all written out so that every one knows who gets what.They can bury me but i would like to be cremated first and my ashes buried if that makes any sense.

[~baby~doll~]

i've never had the best health and so it is these thoughts have been something which crossed my mind from time to time.

i don't believe in an afterlife in any way

i have never been into the god thing. if people are this is cool and if they are correct even better but for me when i die it is for good.

the steps i have taken are to have my affairs in order. done
this even includes my cremation there will be no viewing of any kind.
it sometimes becomes real for me, last year two days before my birthday i had a serious problem and had to be revived.

my partners know i do not want to be kept alive if i do not have a reasonable chance of having a certain quality of life. i still want to be able to take time to smell the roses.

my ashes will be in the front garden and that is where i long to spend so much time. i will have my chance.

death does not scare me any longer i know someday i will be gone. it will make me angry if i die in the middle of a good read.

i try and make sure those close to me know i love them everyday this is the preparation i take still make sure happens.

[tomboystud]

This has been on my mind a lot lately. My room mate had a heart attack early Sun morning so I have been doing a lot of thinking. I added another person to my must be called list as they have become an important part of my life. I have most of it in order. I hadn't planned on living this long so every day is a blessing.

[Tuff Stuff]

Originally Posted by Tuff Stuff

I'm with you.I think i'll linger around a bit not to scare anyone.Oh i'm going to have an horrendous death like some bomb going off in my face i'm not wishing it but I have this horrible feeling that my final moments are going to be bad.I wonder if its true that after you are dead that our spirits can wonder all over this world and perhaps other galaxies? If that's the case then i'll be looking forward to the other side.I have a Will all written out so that every one knows who gets what.They can bury me but i would like to be cremated first and my ashes buried if that makes any sense.

Still feel the same..

I'm just dodging way too many bullets these days *shrugs*

At least tonight,i'll be safe in my womans arms..