Letting Go Of Friendships

[Arwen]

I just read an article by Martha Beck about why holding some grudges is a good thing. Here are a few excerpts from that.

"My favorite therapist taught me something I call the "three strike" rule: If you not only have a bad experience with a person but also hear worrisome reports about that person from three totally unrelated sources, you need to carry a protective grudge that says, "I don't quite trust you." "

"According to Martha Stout, PhD, an expert on sociopathy who taught at Harvard Medical School for more than two decades, the key to recognizing sociopaths is that they consistently mess up other people's lives while actively soliciting pity. Most people don't want to be pitied, but sociopaths adore it. If you consistently feel pity for someone who causes you many problems, develop and bear a protective grudge. Now."

You can read the whole thing here,.

She also linked another post about friends and how to let one go if they aren't good for you here.

So what do you think? Have you ever held a grudge? Ever had to let a friend go because they were toxic? Ever had to tap dance around someone because they were in your circle of friends somehow?

How do you do it gracefully? How do you do it without turning it into a community/family/friends free-for-all?

I'm here to tell you that I've let people go for their toxic-to-me behavior but I've also been the one let go.

That's right. My emotional craziness was too much for more than one person and they walked away from me. I felt like they were the worst people in the world. They didn't understand the pain I was in. They didn't understand how badly someone had treated me. The list goes on and none of it includes me taking ANY responsibility for my words and actions.

It took me a long time to figure that out. I slapped on a few band-aids. I decided they must all be wrong. It took me doing some long and very hard soul-searching to realize that **I** was the problem, not them.

Luckily for me, I have renewed friendships with most of them after proving to them that I have changed. That I am not longer doing everything I could to create drama that centered around me so that they would rush to my side.

It's hard. It's hard to realize my own behavior created my isolation. That my own actions were driving people away. That I was not loveable in that crazy, drama-filled world where it was only about me.

So anyone else here ever been the releasee as well as the releaser?

For me, because I've been the one to hit emotional rock bottom and lose some very dear people in my life, cutting someone else out is difficult to say the least. I know how it feels. I honestly don't want to do that to another human being.

But that three strikes rule mentioned above? That hit home for me. I've been known to give people ten strikes including several opportunities to really hurt me. I'm trying to unlearn that one.

[musicman]

I held a grudge for 20 years. It was a half sister that had made my mother cry. Once my mother passed the only thing my half sister and I had in common was gone I stopped talking to her. We eventually did get back together for a brief time when my half brother passed and I went to the wake but eventually lost touch again.

So I have no issues or qualms holding grudges can do it standing on my head. You hurt me or someone I love and you are in my grudge books for a very long time.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by musicman

I held a grudge for 20 years. It was a half sister that had made my mother cry. Once my mother passed the only thing my half sister and I had in common was gone I stopped talking to her. We eventually did get back together for a brief time when my half brother passed and I went to the wake but eventually lost touch again.

So I have no issues or qualms holding grudges can do it standing on my head. You hurt me or someone I love and you are in my grudge books for a very long time.

I am like this to a certain extent. I don't get why some people feel a need to *hold on* to people, even family that hurt us. When I am done, I'm done. I don't know if that's a grudge but there are certain people that I don't give two cents worth about what happens to them, one being my own father. Is that a grudge or self preservation?

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

I am like this to a certain extent. I don't get why some people feel a need to *hold on* to people, even family that hurt us. When I am done, I'm done. I don't know if that's a grudge but there are certain people that I don't give two cents worth about what happens to them, one being my own father. Is that a grudge or self preservation?

I feel holding grudges is, too resentfully and unwillingly allow the other person back into my life because I want to punish them for hurting me. I’m NOT one for holding grudges – what’s done is done as far as I’m concerned – I move on with life.

Self preservation is to protect oneself from a harmful situation/relationship in any form that is unhealthy.

Just my feelings and POV on this…

[ReDo]

Originally Posted by musicman

I held a grudge for 20 years. It was a half sister that had made my mother cry. Once my mother passed the only thing my half sister and I had in common was gone I stopped talking to her. We eventually did get back together for a brief time when my half brother passed and I went to the wake but eventually lost touch again.

So I have no issues or qualms holding grudges can do it standing on my head. You hurt me or someone I love and you are in my grudge books for a very long time.

Family grudges are often hard to let go of. My adoptive mom was dating who she is now married to. 20 years ago he hurt her in some way and I can't remember exactly what he did but I remember her tears. From that moment on I have never cared for Steve thought he was useless and unkind. He hurt my feelings a few times by his mean comments. I just went and saw them this past summer he welcomed me with a smile and a hug and asked how I have been. Holy smokes just about knocked me over. I told my mom about it while we were alone and she asked if I could ever forgive him? I said I think I just did.

Forgiveness is hard especially when it is family those who we are supposed to trust and love through anything. I have forgiven Steve and wish I had taken the time to get to know him better.

My biological family... that forgivness will never come.

[girl_dee]

I am not sure if I ever severed the friendship completely but I have decided to keep my distance from what I feel are *emotional vampires*... people that just dump on you and suck you dry to the point of exhaustion.

Unfortunately I didn't tell them why, I just made a space between us, and when they were in a better space I could spend time with them, and I would learn not to allow them to dump on me or share their drama with me.

I tell ya, kudos for you for realizing that your behavior contributed to this.

It's funny how when we become self empowering, certain people drift away.

[betenoire]

I have dumped lots of people.

I've dumped the woman who would get drunk and almost get hit by a car / puke all over the place / pass out in public / wander off and worry me every time we hung out.
I've dumped the woman who would pretend to be a confidante and then the second my back was turned tell everybody who would listen her own exaggerated version of how I was feeling and why.
I've dumped the woman who only liked me when I was talking about how cool she was, but who would turn into a crazed 7 headed monster at the lightest criticism.
I've dumped the man who would call nightly to whine about his life - and never once asked me how my day was.
I've dumped the woman who was so obsessed with her own weight that she became obsessed with everybody else's bodies as well and would lecture me about every thing I ate.

When I was 20-ish and I broke up with Jesus (raised religious, changed my mind) I ended up having to break up with nearly every one of my friends, because they were SO intent on winning my soul back that it became the only thing we could ever talk about. I decided if the most important thing about me was whether or not I was going to get into heaven that those weren't friendships that I needed, either.

Hell, I've even had a recent mutual-dumping. (Wherein the person did something shitty to me and when I found out about it they didn't like my reaction - so we simply stopped talking.)

After ever person I've dumped I absolutely have gone through a stage of sorrow/mourning. But that passes. And the temporary feeling of loss was exactly that - temporary. All of the exasperation, anxiety, and hurt feelings I experienced every time I interacted with these people would have been permanent if I hadn't turned them loose. So sure, in the short-term it sucks - but in the long term it's just aces.

I was once dumped by the man I considered my best friend. There was this complicated (and bad idea situation) where we were dating another set of bestfriends. The girl he was dating (who was also the bestie of the boy I was dating) and I didn't get along. She used to say things like "oh that is such a pretty dress! I would want to borrow it but it would be way too big for me!" (Nevermind that she was wearing a 14 at the time and I was wearing a 16 - so WAY TOO BIG FOR ME my ass). She would just in general make tiny sideways jabs at me all day long and it got to the point where I was so paranoid and so perpetually insulted that I would bend over backward and behave like a kicked puppy trying to get her to like me.

One day that became too much and I snapped. I wrote a long and very public tirade on Livejournal (of all places) about what assholes the three of them were and how I was going to break up with my boyfriend immediately and I would also avoid my friend until he and that girl he was dating broke up. I created a "filter" on LJ so that I could post that without the three of them seeing it - then forgot to post the entry with the filter attached. So they all saw it. Me and the boy (who I was crazy about, but I was also only 25 and back then it was easy for me to become crazy about people) broke up - which was for the best.

My friend also never spoke to me again. Even though he and that girl broke up a month later, we never made amends. I deserved that. It was crappy of me to gossip about him on LJ. It was crappy of me to never once try to talk to him about what was going on, instead opting to just hold onto it until I blew up all over the internets. And chances are I had been acting like a nutbag for months before that happened, because I was so tense and worked up over the situation. I probably wasn't all that great to be around at that juncture either.

[Martina]

i have not stayed in touch with a few people because it felt like work. i have fallen out of touch with people i still consider friends too. That seems to be my guilty thing. i wish i didn't do it. If i took better care of myself and had fewer distractions from my health, i imagine i would stay in closer touch. Definitely something i feel very bad about.

In terms of dropping sick or crazy people, i rarely go through the sense of loss once i realize that they were harmful to be around. Usually i have to process the stuff they did to me. i resent the hell out of the time that takes and find that hard to forgive. Time is precious. As is one's sense of safety. People who compromise that are hard to forgive. i often wonder how they live with themselves -- not in terms of just me. They do what they do to others. It's hard to understand people who justify and feel OK about harming others.

i also feel really stupid and duped and i resent that too. It's a terrible feeling. All of it makes one less trusting.

My big lesson has been if someone will do something to others, it's just a matter of time till they do it to you too. What narcissism on my part to think that i would be an exception.

i am embarrassed and ashamed to admit this stuff too.

i am grateful for the fabulous friends i have and that, whatever ups and downs i have had in my romantic and D/s life, there has been respect. i can't imagine what hell it would be like to be in an intimate relationship with some of these folk.

[WolfyOne]

I haven't talked to my oldest brother in over 10 years
He was an ass before my mom died, made an even bigger ass of himself at her funeral
He's vindictive and an instigator
I have no use for him at all

I have 5 brothers and 1 sister and speak with only 3 brothers on an irregular basis
I have learned over many years and plenty hard knocks, family isn't always made up of blood relatives

[Daywalker]

When I let go, there is no dramatic Exit...no last words.


I simply turn and wander away.
Because at that point they are no longer privy to my world.



It is rare you will hear me speak ill of someone.
But if I do, it is not on a whim ~ it comes from cause n effect.

'Cause when someone effects me Negatively, it can trigger
not only icky feelings but can actually impact me physically.


I learned to be selfish with my energy.

I've been known to give folks more than 3 chances.
I've been known to hand out benefit of the doubt like it's free candy.


I've been known to bury mah head in the dirt when icky stuff arises
(hence the nickname of Ostrich*cough*thanks Juney)

I've also let go of folks that I found out were using mah FB page to stalk
my Friends that removed them from their lists. That's just creepy,
and I'm not down with that.


Being selfish with your time and energy has its place.

[Ebon]

I always have to let go of energy vampires. I am not very graceful about it though. I usually just stop talking to them.

I have an ex friend that is using the system to get disability and charging people to live at her house. She goes from one person to the next and someone is "always screwing her over". She is nice but every story that she tells about her interaction with someone that she has helped ends with "they had tears in their eyes".

I keep my distance from my family because they are always asking me for money. I mean it's even at the point where my sister makes up stories about why she needs the money. This is the only time I hear from her. We never have a conversation unless she needs money. She won't help herself so I won't help her.

I had a good friend that was doing heavy drugs and it was affecting is life and job. He would be fine for awhile then would start back up again. One night we went out and he invited some guy over to do drugs with him. His choice I don't care. Then he started asking me to go to the ATM to get him money so that he could by more of his drugs. That's when I left and never spoke to him again.

I had a friend that always had a problem with something and was very opportunistic. For example he's in the drive thru at Taco Bell and they don't give him enough napkins then he wants his food for free. Or if he didn't like the guys tone that took his order he wants his food for free. I had to let him go.

I'm sure there have been times when people have dumped me. I know at one point I was at a stage where all I did was talk about this girl that I liked very much and it had to be annoying. I also used to need validation all the time when I was younger now it annoys me if someone does it. lol I grew up and see the world and people a bit more clearly so now I don't put up with as much crap as I used to.

Also anyone overly religious that thinks that they need to "save me" have no place in my world.

[Arwen]

Thanks to everyone who has shared here. I'm at work so can't post long response. Just kudos, y'all.

[J. Mason]

I do hold grudges and won't really let go even after the friendship has been dissolved.
I do not go out gracefully by any means, I make myself known and the reason why I have done what I did.

Right now I am in the process of letting go of some people who were once friends, it is kinda painful but when you do what you did, than you get what you get from me.

[Rockinonahigh]

Over the years I have had a fue grudges that I never ask for nor did I ever expect to deal with.The ones hat hurt the most are from the people I trusted most that either stabed me in the back or have been a family thing to deal with.One is with someone who I worked for but didnt see that side of them till I had worked for them for several years...total turnabout that left me reeling,if I saw that person today I would have to turn and walk the other way..its better that way.The other isnt my grudge, its a cut off from my oldest son,we have had problems over the years but nothing to cause this. I have no clue as to what started this.I have tryed to call,wrote letters..I could go to his house but wont because of the people he hangs out with that are some of the worst trouble makers in town.I am not safe there at all.Maybe one day I will hear from him..but I doubt it.

[Arwen]

Cara, I agree. I think she is using the word grudge as a sort of shield.

I think it's good to break the word "grudge" down. I have a really negative connotation as well.

Verb: Be resentfully unwilling to give, grant, or allow (something).
Noun: A persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.

So for me, I don't want to use it in this case as the noun because that makes me feel like I'm giving up my energy for people who are no longer allowed in my hula hoop area.

But as a verb? I'm very much loving that for this use. I am extremely unwilling, resentfully so in fact, of giving granting or allowing a person I deem as toxic to have any place in my life.

So I can see where hold a shield/grudge in this case would be a healthy thing.

I also know that it can be an overkill to hold a grudge to the extent that you have to do whatever you can to take that person down. I used to cross the line with great regularity. I was mean and evil when it came down to it. I would go out of my way to point a finger and stick a foot out to trip someone up.

I can't do that any more because of the energy. I truly believe it ties me to that person in a distinctly unhealthy way. So, like others here, I would rather bless them and release them.

What I will do now is answer as honestly as I can if anyone asks me a direct question about someone I am no longer friends with. I'd rather not engage in gossip and character assassination. It isn't healthy for me. It isn't putting myself first.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Friendships naturally ebb and flow in their duration – sometimes, a situation dictates that the friendship changes or ends……...I’ve let friendships go in the past because they were emotional Vampires and expected me to ALWAYS sort their problems out for them – the best I could do was be their for them whilst they sorted themselves out, but, they weren’t willing to do that. I felt guilty for walking away, but, I had no choice – I had to establish more formal boundaries for my own health and sanity.

I’m going through something similar with a two friends – we’re all part of a group of friends and I have to walk away for my own good from one of them, whilst at the same time, remain close to the other(s). I haven’t a clue how to deal with this and my feelings are like a roller coaster – the worst part is that I’m expected to mediate between the two of them AND take sides, which I refuse to do! So, now I’m walking away from one of my friends for what could be permanent. I will not be manipulated into doing what she wants, nor will I be rude when I tell her that the friendship isn’t working………It hasn’t for a while and my other friend is as close to her as she is to me, yet, she is being got at by our mutual friend because who’s the one not being open and honest.

I hate situations like this because I don’t like conflict and neither do I have the answers - in truth, no-one really does! Distancing myself from one is the only option until I feel comfortable enough to make a choice on what to do. How this will affect my friendship with my other friend, I don’t know – time will tell!

Everyone at some time in there life has been ‘let go’ in a friendship for various reasons – sometimes, it’s just that people grow, change and feel that they need to bond with others who ‘fit’ them at that time in their life.

I’ve had a friend walk away because she saw me as this amazingly strong and wise ‘Amazonian Warrior Woman’ who had all the answers and when I showed weakness and was at a loss in a situation, she was disillusioned and ended the friendship in as cruel a way as she could.

Sometimes, people have to higher expectations of others and don’t understand that some are more sensitive than others, thus, feeling more deeply and are more easily hurt – this can seem as a person coming across as emotionally irrational, when the truth is they’re not - they're just not good at communicating how they feel coherently.

[sara-bera]

I used to have a thing for pitiful folks. Really, I wanted to save them, make them happy and be this wonderful shining, light in their life so they would never ever want to let me go. That was before I gained a decent sense of self-worth and self esteem, mind you.

I loved tough luck cases. I made friends with them and, many times, became their lover. They were the only friends and lovers I'd accept, beyond my long term friendships (I have two close friends that I've loved for almost sixteen years). I was determined to save someone, you see. It never worked, of course, and while I'm not really the sort to seek pity, I usually just couldn't understand how the heck everything would keep going wrong. I would be baffled as one calamity after another occurred. Friends would disappear and I'd feel confused, but I'd keep sticking by my partner or the friends who's lives were troubled.

Eventually, about five years ago, I started to change my life... and I do mean my whole being. Everything about me is different - mentally, emotionally, physically I'm a new girl. I'm finally 'me.' I don't need to save someone to be worthy of love anymore; I'm good enough as is. I ended a toxic relationship, stepped away from a couple toxic situations, battled a decent amount of guilt, rekindled one of my long term friendships that got messed up, apologized to anyone I could find that had been hurt by my actions or inaction, and sought for peacefulness within myself and my life.

I still have acquaintances and people I care about that really only seek me out when they have issues, but today I've learned to distance myself a little bit. The only thing I really have to offer them is a kind ear. Sometimes, that's all people really need, however: someone to listen to them (I really think the world would be different if we stopped arguing and really started listening). I like people in general, I don't have any issues or problems with anyone and there have not been any calamities in my life for several years. I can accept everyone, regardless of who they are or where they are in life, but I do not need to keep them close to me nor do I need to rescue them anymore. I don't hold grudges, I don't have anger, I don't even have regret anymore.

Arwen, I'm happy you were able to put your friendships back together. There are still a couple people that I've never been able to apologize to and sometimes miss. I hope for their happiness.

[cara]

I'm curious about the author's use of the word "grudge." I have always related a grudge to be a negative thing that I'm doing such as not letting go of a past hurt or slight. However, the author seems to suggest it's a positive thing...like a shield that helps keep her sanity in check and the negative people at bay.

As she listed off groups, I could easily identify people in my life that at one time or another fit into each one. Most are no longer a part of my life. So in that aspect, I guess I do put boundaries up in order to save myself a whole lot of heartache and sorrow. People who are no longer a part of my life? A few select exes, friends who were more emotional vampires than anything, friends who were only there when they wanted something from me, a family member who was overly opinionated and argued down anyone who dared to offer a differing opinion, and friends who lived in a whirlwind of drama. Like other posters, I generally just walk peacefully away.

I, too, have been "let go" and, as Arwen mentioned, it does hurt. A lot. Sometimes I understand and sometimes I don't. Of all the people no longer a part of my life, losing the friendships always seems to be the hardest on me emotionally. Once the sting's gone, I try to look at the situation objectively and ask myself what I could or should have done differently. Sometimes I really am at fault. Other times, it's both parties involved. I

Great topic, Arwen.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Arwen

Have you ever held a grudge?

Yes, I occasionally hold grudges and, when I do, I hold them deep. I am incredibly close to my immediate family (parents + brother) but cut off contact with my father's family following my grandmother's funeral in early 1997. Positive interaction was resumed earlier this year at the funeral of my aunt because enough time had passed and I'd moved on .... but cutting off contact for fourteen years felt right at the time and, in the same situation again, I'd likely make the same decision.

Originally Posted by Arwen

Ever had to let a friend go because they were toxic?

I've often let go of friends, some of whom were toxic but many who were not. I think that people and friendships are there for a purpose but it's not always an everlasting one ... sometimes it's good or necessary to move on.

Originally Posted by Arwen

Ever had to tap dance around someone because they were in your circle of friends somehow?

Sometimes I'd like to be able to do this but it's just not my style. If I'm not enthused by someone, I find it hard to hide.