Lessons Learned: Would You or Would You Not.....

[Kenna]

(let's see if I can get a poll started without any phone pad typos or foot -in-mouth statements)..... If you were approached by a friend and asked "what do you know about [this person]?..... Would you answer? ...Do you feel obligated to answer a trusted friend? .....Are you quick to answer or do you refrain from getting "in the middle"?...... disclaimer: over the last few months, I've been asked that question by several different people about several other different persons, all non-related situations. I struggle answering because I feel it's gossiping.

[Strappie]

I know what people say about me. It's not nice.. I think there are way too many people that are quick to judge and haven't a CLUE as to what they are talking about. In my case, if they "really knew me" they would know I'm far from it.

I try my best not to say a whole lot for the fact that if the two people start dating and if I said horrible stuff about the person and then those two people stay together for a long time WHO LOOKS LIKE THE FOOL? That would be me because you know the person I said it to will eventually tell them. So I try to stay out of it as much as I can.

[Kobi]

Whenever asked such a thing, I am always on guard....even if it is a trusted friend asking.

I always want to know 3 things. 1. what do they really want to know? 2. why do they want to know it? 3. why are they asking me in particular?

Their answers help me decide how to answer them or avoid answering them. Anything I choose to share is based on my own personal experience with someone and always with a positive spin (karma stuff ya know).

This, to me, is just sharing facts of my own experience. I dont consider this gossiping.

[Gemme]

I would answer honestly but as kind as I could.

For example, let's say I have a friend John and my other friend Regina asked me about John. I might say he's a good writer, funny and nice but he does like to drink.

*Note* I'm making these people and issues up for the sole sake of the question.

Why would I tell someone something like that? Well, maybe Regina has been in an alcohol-fueled violent relationship before and maybe John gets mean when he drinks. I would be doing what I felt was in the best interest of Regina by mentioning that to her. Did I say he's a raging alcoholic? No. I was referencing something that I knew would be a major trigger for her if that were the case.

Is it gossiping? Yes. Every time anyone says anything about anyone else, it's gossip. We all gossip. I think the intention plays heavily in situations like this.

[pajama]

I am usually very particular about who/how I make my own opinions of people. I tend not to listen to other peoples gossip about how people are, I just get to know them on my own. We are all different, to some degree, in different situations. So I try to refrain from making an opinion about someone until I get to know them myself.

When asked about someone. I'm honest. I am also extremely honest is pointing out that what I am saying is ONLY MY OPINION. I also don't relay what I've heard about someone from a third party, unless it is the same conclusion that I have come to. I only keep it to what I have observed.

But I openly admit I am a HUGE gossip.

A

[Tawse]

Having been in both positions. (really is there a person who has NEVER asked another persons opinion about someone??? really????)


I like Gemma's approach - both in giving and receiving.

I've had my best friend have an all out feud with someone and yet I befriended that person despite that.

I'll listen to what you have to say - and then I'll use MY brain to see what I think. But I do appreciate being warned that XYZ enjoys smoking pot... because I have issues with that and would probably wonder why a friend failed to mention that fact to me if they knew my issues with the subject matter.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by pajara2

I tend not to listen to other peoples gossip about how people are, I just get to know them on my own. We are all different, to some degree, in different situations. So I try to refrain from making an opinion about someone until I get to know them myself.

When asked about someone. I'm honest. I am also extremely honest is pointing out that what I am saying is ONLY MY OPINION. I also don't relay what I've heard about someone from a third party, unless it is the same conclusion that I have come to. I only keep it to what I have observed.


A

This is me to a T! I take each person on their own merit....should the gossip turn out to be true, then I at least know this from my own experiences.

I don't always get this courtesy back and some have admitted they were wrong about me and apologised.

[JustJo]

I've been one who asked.

Honestly, I would like to know if there is something serious I should be aware of....and I'd also like to know if the "reference" is a good one too.

I recently asked about someone....not randomly or haphazardly or in general...but someone that I knew actually KNEW the person I was asking about...and someone whose opinion I trusted.

I'm very glad I did.

Now....would I reach out and offer my opinion without being asked? No. My feeling is that, if someone wants to know, they will ask me.

Would I give an opinion about someone I didn't know well? No, I'd decline.

Would I give an honest, factual account of someone that I did know well? Yep.

[ruffryder]

I would answer, but let them know it's what I know and how the person to be and it's just my opinion. I don't feel obligated, I'll just do it if someone asks my opinion. If it's a really good, close friend and I see them getting close to someone I know is sketchy I will tell them how I feel even if they don't ask because I'm a friend and I care about them and if they get hurt. I don't see it as getting in the middle. The person can get to know them for themself and usually they do. What I refrain from doing is staying out of drama and judging people before I get to know them for myself.

[Kenna]

Interesting ...very interesting. I'm learning and absorbing a lot from everyone's responses and positive dialog. Can't thank you enough. It always helps to see multiple sides of a question or issue and be open to suggestions or new ways of thinking.

[girl_dee]

way too many variables to answer this. It's a case by case thing but mostly it sounds like gossip to me.

[Jett]

My thing is if person A wants person B to know something about themselves (or not) they will tell them... they only way I would share any significant personal info is if I knew for sure someone was about to put themselves in a harmful situation.

I figure if it's somebody else's business it's really not mine to tell...

[Mr Nice Guy]

I would be honest and refrain from saying anything negative. I would hope someone would do that for me.

[Legendryder]

If a friend of mine asked me directly what I knew about someone, the first thing out of my mouth would be "my personal experience with this person is..........". Unless I had never met the person, then I would say, "I do not know this person" regardless of what I have heard someone else say about them. I put no merit in second hand information. I do not care about gossip, never have. I tend to get a bit rude when someone begins to talk smack about anyone else. Honestly, it is none of my business. I also do not care what is said about me. I learned a long time ago, what someone else thinks about me is NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!! I am an adult. At least I try to be an adult. As long as Bob thinks I am great, the rest is gravy.

[Jett]

Like decades ago a group of clique-y uptight lesbians told a woman who I was dating I was bad news because I was a wild one, party, rock & roll, black leather etc.... thankfully she listened to her heart about me because now that's she's older and has some health issues I'm the ONLY one out to her house helping her, making sure she still has gardens every year, fixing her house for her even know they are all still around and friends with her... I'm like just stop w/ the holier than thou talk peoples (not you peoples ; ) and walk the walk...

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Jett

Like decades ago a group of clique-y uptight lesbians told a woman who I was dating I was bad news because I was a wild one, party, rock & roll, black leather etc.... thankfully she listened to her heart about me because now that's she's older and has some health issues I'm the ONLY one out to her house helping her, making sure she still has gardens every year, fixing her house for her even know they are all still around and friends with her... I'm like just stop w/ the holier than thou talk peoples (not you peoples ; ) and walk the walk...

Things are not always as they appear. I have a little 23 year old, tattooed, piercings everywhere, purple haired, maybe 90 pound little baby dyke who pulled up for a job. A few people looked at me like I was crazy but I believe in giving everyone a chance, at least once. She out worked any man out here and people twice her age. I enjoy doing things for her- maybe buying her a shirt, a jacket, extra gas money, etc. Her roommate, who I also know, made a comment that I was a dirty old woman coming onto her. Needless to say it was gossip and the furthest thing on my mind. I like them younger but not younger then my son! I enjoy helping her because she deserves someone to give her a chance. People would rather talk about her.

You know I hear so much shit about me from third parties. I even hear gossip stemming from people I don't even know. I am convinced that it is driven by jealousy and insecurity. All things I am not, therefore I refuse to contribute. The best proof of this is that the people that talk the most do the least and within a reasonable amount of time vanish. I've learned that its best just to let the natural order of things play out. If someone needs to know something that bad, (or know me for that matter) they will invest the time and not listen to others.

Sometimes I wish someone would have warned me about a few people I could have done without in my life, however in hindsight I see how necessary the journey. Even if they had said something I probably would have still checked it out for myself.

[MsMerrick]

Originally Posted by Sweet

(let's see if I can get a poll started without any phone pad typos or foot -in-mouth statements)..... If you were approached by a friend and asked "what do you know about [this person]?..... Would you answer? ...Do you feel obligated to answer a trusted friend? .....Are you quick to answer or do you refrain from getting "in the middle"?...... disclaimer: over the last few months, I've been asked that question by several different people about several other different persons, all non-related situations. I struggle answering because I feel it's gossiping.

Assuming that it is a trusted friend, and they have some good reason to know..ie they are considering dating them, lending them money, whatever ..because I am not interested in discussing people simply to amuse someone..here is how i answer
1... Here are the things i know about the person ( and of course good and bad ) because I have observed this behavior , interacted with them, and seen specific things.
2.. These are things i have heard about them , from people, that I don't consider to be drama queens or people that make stuff up just to make themselves feel important !
3.. Depending on a lot of factors, I may get into general speculation that I have heard, but I'll stress, the lack of reliability.. Whereas with #1 , I consider that information fairly reliable, and #2, again, I can usually attach a percentage of how likely I think the information is.

And btw, I try always, to stick to behavior vs ..general statements about character.

[WolfyOne]

I got a story once from someone that knew one of my exes and she told me, you're nothing like your ex described you to me. I'm glad I finally got to meet you and am able to draw my own conclusion of you as a person. She went on to say, btw, your ex must have told this to others, if she was able to tell it to me.

So, I never judge anyone because I despise being judged by others
I tell you what I know or what I may have heard, but will tell you it is hearsay
I don't care for those that instigate because they need to see the outcome

I'm very much open with my words, so if you don't want to hear my truth, don't ask me

[amiyesiam]

THis is interesting. Because how people treat you and react to you has a lot to do with how You yourself act and behave and what your own boundaries are.

I rarely have problems with people, even people who seem to cause others problems.

I would never give my opinion about another human being that I did not actually know in real life and then only in certain circumstances.

There are always at least 2 sides to stories/situations. And behaviors can be triggered by both sides, sometimes it is just 2 people together and alone they are much better people.

ways to handle such questions:
1. I don't know that person well enough to feel comfortable answering that question.
2. Please understand that I am close to the person you are asking about and you understand I don't feel comfortable discussing them without their knowing. You know I would do the same for you.

3. If you really don't know anything bad about that person: I only know that person at (work/school/on line/church) and I have not had any negative experiences with them.

4. If you think the person being asked about might actually want you to provide some info (such as 2 friends liking each other) Well, if you really want me to answer you honestly, I will ask (so and so) if they would mind me providing some info. (then actually ask if it is ok to share)

5. If you actually know the good/bad/ugly about someone first hand and know the person asking has no real reason to be asking. Ask them why do you want to know and I find that asking a person directly is always best. You understand that I would do the same for you also. (this has the amazing effect of shutting people up fast)

6. You have heard stories but have no first hand info or you know what happened and know that person does not want others to know (things like write ups at work, miscarriages, marital issues etc) Honestly I will bold face lie (I hate nosy people) so I say things like: I don't know. They have not discussed that with me. I had not heard anything about that.

7. and sometimes you just have to tell people: Would you want people talking about you? and I don't think it is fair to discuss so and so when they are not here to defend themselves.


Now there are consequences to implementing any/all of the above. People will stop asking you about things that are none of their business and people will stop telling you everyone else's business and you will find that there is very little drama in your life, and you will actually be clueless about what is going on around you in other peoples lives unless they themselves tell you directly. You will find that some people come to you to vent cause they know you understand that it is venting and know you won't repeat it. Also your telephone time will drop dramatically and you will have more time to do the actual things you enjoy in life.

And lastly: To people who ask others for their opinions about others, please realize that you may be putting the person you are asking in a very uncomfortable position, especially if the person you are asking is close to you and the person you are asking about or if you know the person you are asking does know confidential information and you ask anyway or if the person you are asking has heard stuff but wasn't actually involved.
Honestly, you are being ballsy and rude and not nice to do this to others. At least have the curtesy to tell the person you are asking that it is ok if they don't feel comfortable answering.

[Soft*Silver]

I had an ex (from another site, long ago) who would bait the new people in her exes life to talk to her about the ex. Behind the scenes, talk to them about her ex and give them the "scoop" on what she put them through. (Knowing this about her behaviors in the past, I assume she did this with me too when we broke up.) You have to wonder what the agenda really is for someone to do this. It was obvious she wasnt over the ex. And that she had to clear her own name.

so sometimes when people hunker up next to you to ask what you know about so and so, its not to protect you, its to deflower a new start. Sour grapes, so to speak.

Two really good people can get involved and have a disastrous relationship. Until I got honest with myself and acknowledged that I was getting into one disastrous relationship after another with people who also were doing that, i kept repeating the same relationship. I have broken the cycle by not getting involved that way.

so if anyone wants to know something about me, they can just ask me themselves. I will be honest. As honest as I can see it currently. Honesty is like an onion with layers of truth mixed with tears.

but what if people dont have the gumption to ask me directly but want to ask someone else about me?

I would expect people to tell others about me that I am a difficult person and not easy to have a relationship with and that I am in recovery and cant handle being around active addiction and that by my own words, I am more off center than not. and that I can be vicious when cornered (but who isnt) and am OCD about horses. And can be oversensitive as well as insensitive and that I can start shit as well as end it, depending on where I am in my mental health continuum.

feel free to add whatever you wish, if people ask you about me. I have learned that we all carry chapters around with us, about the people we meet. I think Dorothy would be a whiny little bitch or a strong independent young blossoming woman instead of a lost little girl if she were put in different novels. The story is as its told by those who read it, as much as it its told by the one who writes it...