How did you get to where you are today?

[Blade]

I'm putting this in the trans zone because I don't think that most of us just woke up one day and said I'm transgender. I think we all have a story of how we got to where we are today. It's only been a few years since the first time I heard the term transgender, but as soon as I learned what it was I was like OMG yeah that's me. I was amazed that I wasn't the only person in the world that had lived this way most of my life. Fortunately with more and earlier information, I expect the younger folks here knew they were TG and knew what it was at an earlier age.

I thought of this as I watched Chaz last night. Chastity experienced some of the same things as I did. Wished and hope for some of the same things and hated some of the same things like puberty etc as I did and as I'm sure many of you did. I also think some of the folks here have experienced some of the things Chaz has experienced and might have thought at the time you must be the only person who experienced it too.

So if you feel comfortable with it, share with us how you got to where you are today. Be you TG, F2M, M2F, butch, female ID'd butch. I'm pretty sure that most of us trans folks knew we were in the wrong body at very young ages. For the butches and female ID'd butches, how did you know or when did you know that you were only butch. All are welcome, lets hear it.

[DomnNC]

I tend to agree with you. I think we were all thinking the same things as we watched that documentary.

Heck, I knew when I was 5 I was a boy. Tho my mama, bless her heart, tried her best to put me in a box. It didn't work and she finally gave up by the time I reached middle school, lol, oh man the discussions we had about what I wanted to wear, how I acted, etcetcetc.

I imagine, since you grew up in a rural area, that you thought you were the only one out there that felt the way you do. Heck, I thought Monroe was the big city, lol, stop laughing, I know you are (since you live down here too and my God it was so much smaller then and the distance between houses so much further).

Then I joined the military right out of high school and found out right quick like that you didn't divulge to anyone in a uniform that you weren't straight, much less, tell them you were a man trapped in a female body. What was I thinking??? lol. Tho I stuck it out to my term so I could get my college paid for, for the most part. Those were definitely some interesting times in my life. I got singled out once, because of my masculine appearance and mannerisms, sent to the post psychiatrist to determine if I was fit for duty, lucky for me he was gay. We talked about all sorts of things to pass the time I was required to go see him. Before we ended our required number of sessions he looked at me one day and said you know you aren't gay don't you? I said well yes I think so, he laughed and said read about transgender some time, then said well the only place they have for me to check is that you are homosexual or not, so you're not and I have to check this box. So that's how I came to hear about the word transgender and know where I fit in the grand scheme of things. So I did like he said and everything I was reading I was going yes, yes, YES, that's me! That was when I was 20 or so, that's how long I've known of the term.

I have come to accept things as they are. I am comfortable is my own skin. Will I transition? At this time I don't think so. I'm old, lol, and luckily I've had partners, family and friends who accept me for who I am. I've had several hard surgeries to recoup from in the not so distant past. I live with pain every day as a result, the thought of being cut open again right now, nope, it's not in me right now.

I know who/what I am, to me, that's all that matters.

Good Topic!

[atomiczombie]

My name is Atomiczombie and I was born a long time ago. As early as 2 years old, I hated the dresses my mom would put me in to go to church. I never liked all the girly, frilly things in my bedroom or closet. I can remember at 3 years old, my favorite shirt was a beige sweatshirt with bugs bunny on it. With that and jeans and sneakers, I was totally me. At age 5, I told my mom I wanted my hair short like Dorothy Hammil, the famous figure skater. I was allowed to get my hair cut short for the first time in my life, and I loved it.

Later that same year, (1976) I figured out that I wasn't really a girl. I had crushes on little girls in my class at school, and ran around with the boys when they let me. I coveted my brother's toys and hated the Barbie’s my folks got me for Christmas. I began announcing to anyone who would listen, that I wanted to be a boy. The reception of this news was met either by dismissal, laughter or shame. My mother told me I wasn't a boy, that I was a girl and that was that. I was silly to think otherwise, and told to stop such nonsense. My heart was broken.

I resigned myself to being a girl with great sadness when I hit puberty. I quit playing little league baseball and was pressured to conform to the gender expectations of my sex by everyone in my life. I was made fun of by other kids, particularly my older brother, and no longer tolerated as a "tomboy". So, I grew my hair out just to get people off my back.

When my body began to change, I was horrified and miserable. Growing breasts, hips widening, new body hair, menstruating; it all was sickening to me. I hated it. But there was nothing I could do. I still refused to wear dresses, and wore jeans and androgynous clothes as much as possible, but the pressure to be feminine was HUGE. I think this was the first point (but most definitely not the last) in my life when I thought about suicide. I was so depressed. But I decided that what I felt and wanted just wasn't important to anyone, and my only value in life was connected with living up to other people's expectations of me.

I tried to conform. I tried to wear make-up and act like my female friends, to fit in. I pretended to crush on guys, all the while lying to myself about my real feelings. I ignored and suppressed my true self in order to survive my teenage years. By age 15, I was drug-addicted and cutting myself. I attempted suicide unsuccessfully.

In 1985 I went to an in-patient drug rehab and psych ward, where I was diagnosed bipolar. During the next 10 years I was clean of drugs and alcohol, but miserably depressed. In my mid to late 20s, I finally saw a therapist who helped me process some of the painful things that happened in my life. At age 28, I began to talk about my feelings for girls, that I had repressed for so many years. I came out to my family and friends as gay.

In 2005, I found the butch-femme community online and in the San Francisco bay area, where I lived at the time. It was in this community, that I learned that sex and gender were not the same and that many people like myself considered themselves transgendered and preferred male pronouns. That totally resonated with me. As I began to hear the stories of other transguys, I realized that so much of their stories were my story too.

In 2006, my best femme friend Nicole picked out a new name for me - Drew. I found myself sitting at my desk at work and practicing my signature. It seemed to fit. I added my father’s middle name, Kendall. I went to court to petition for a name change, and on December 7th 2007, Drew Kendall Nelson became my legal name. I also had a hysterectomy/oopherectomy in the Spring of that year.

Six days before my court date, something happened which which interrupted my plans to transition. On December 1st 2007, my apartment caught fire and I lost everything. I developed a stress reaction and panic disorder, which left me unable to care for myself. In October of 2008, I came to live with my parents and have lived here in Rio Vista with them ever since.

Last year (2010) I started on Testosterone HRT. I was on a small dose from May to November, then bumped up to a full dose. My voice has dropped some. I have a few whiskers on my upper lip and chin. I have horrid acne, oy. I can't wait for my voice to drop more. That's something I have wanted the most from the T.

May 5th of this year I finally got my top surgery - reconstruction of a male chest. I am thrilled! My body feels 150% better. I feel like I have a new lease on life, like I have been released from prison. It can only get better from here.

[Camo Eagle]

I knew as soon as I could think. LOL As a toddler I told people I was a boy when people ask.
I remember the summer my chest started to dev. I was distraught, & thought about suicide many times. I moved a lot as a foster child, and usually spent most of my time just trying to survive, bc I ran away at a young age. That didnt leave a lot of time to really think about it.
It really was rough in the Army, watching all the guys get to do the things I wanted to do, but was denied simply bc I was in a female shell.
Yrs later in the Air Force, I was treated much more equal, and became the "first" to do many things because I "was" in a female shell.
I tried to make the most of the body I had, but I hated it. I had NO idea I would ever be able to change it.
Then in the Medical field I met my first trans person. A lovely MTF that had been in a car accident. I visited her many times and she taught me quite a lot, but this was pre internet days, so info was still hard to get.
Then I joined the "dash site" in 99, and learned a lot more, but didnt spend much time on the site.
Then I migrated to "the next" site, where I was a reg. I met a wonderful couple & many others that steered me in the right info directions. Then with the web it was easy and a no brainer decision for me to transition.
My big hurdle was getting all the medical conditions and Drs to agree that the surgeries & hormones wouldnt kill me.
1.5 - 2 yrs ago I had top surgery. I just passed my 1 yr on injectable T. Ive never been happier. I so regret not being able to do it earlier, but I do believe everything happens when its supposed too.

[Dude]

Originally Posted by Blade

For the butches and female ID'd butches, how did you know or when did you know that you were only butch. All are welcome, lets hear it.

I was listening pretty good until the only butch part.

Looks at the name of the site.

I am only butch and perfectly content being one.

I'll assume you have no bad intent and maybe could have used
a different word here if you had thought to.

I read the trans threads as there are more things than not that
I can relate to and I hope that I am an ally. I do try to be and have for years.
At 16, my dream was to save up to get the ultimate surgery and
have it all.
Over the years I have become more ok being me.
Woman ,she and her twist my mind while describing myself.
I would rather be called that butch or my name.
Being the first woman to do job's that before men were only
hired to do is something I'm proud of and do not want to give up.

I've thought of this a lot and would also not want to give up
being seen as queer by those that do see me.
Like the gay man at work who said it was good to see family around
and introduced me to his partner.
To not have that kind of visibilty would make me blend in and
I think I would hate that.
Plus would I want to look even more like my father than I already do?
No thank you. I'm good.
Maybe it's a bit like how femme's must feel by being seen as straight all the time?


I never try to pass and do. I wonder sometimes, do I look like a straight
man or a gay man to some of these people who call me sir.
Maybe I should swish it up some.

My final desination is butch and I'm good with that.
There likely are others who maybe just like me were wondering why
no one questioned the only butch wording. So, I had to.

[Dude]

too late to edit
final destination is butch
need to load me up some spellcheck

we can all evolve I hope without negating one another's journey.
our lives are our lives, it is not a competition.

I think it's an incredibly brave thing to go through and I say
that with respect.

[Blade]

Dude,
I said only butch in reference to how someone comes to the place where they know are only butch and not TG, or how someone comes to the place where they are male or female ID'd butch, or perhaps it doesn't matter they are just butch. I had never heard the word butch until about 1995 or so and never heard of TG until I came to these sites 3 or 4 years ago and is also the same time I ever heard of male and female ID'd butches. Hope this explains it to where you or no one else is offended by my use of just butch.

[MrSunshine]

It was a long walk...

[Dude]

Originally Posted by Blade

Dude,
I said only butch in reference to how someone comes to the place where they know are only butch and not TG, or how someone comes to the place where they are male or female ID'd butch, or perhaps it doesn't matter they are just butch. I had never heard the word butch until about 1995 or so and never heard of TG until I came to these sites 3 or 4 years ago and is also the same time I ever heard of male and female ID'd butches. Hope this explains it to where you or no one else is offended by my use of just butch.

I get where you are coming from but
only and just mean less than, atleast to me.

[BullDog]

Blade, no offense about "just butch," but I understand what Dude is saying. Also, I just watched an interview with Chazz Bono where he and the interviewer at one point talked about how he thought he was a lesbian. They talked about how that was easy and obvious, then went on to to discuss trans. I understand that it took him sometime to put the pieces together for himself, but there is nothing obvious or easy about being a lesbian. I am putting Chazz and his story aside for now.

When I was kid I thought of myself as a boy most of the time. I rode an imaginary horse and had an imaginary girlfriend named Jenny. I had crushes on little girls from as early on as I can remember and always wanted to walk girls home from school and carry their books for them. When I was a teenager I wished I was a boy so I could marry my best friend whom I was madly in love with. Then I had a very sexually explicit dream of two women together. I grew up very sexually naive- very religious family with little sex education. I was excited. Being the nerd that I am, I went to the library. The first book I found was Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown. So that's what a lesbian is, I said to myself. I've happily been a lesbian ever since and not thought about being a boy or male.

Butch in and of itself of course can be a complete identity. I am butch, lesbian, female, woman and much more. They all intersect for me and lesbian, female and woman are part of being butch for me. I don't mind woman, she and her- in fact I insist on them.

I am also a butch woman who is a stone butch and consider getting top surgery- that would be a butch chest for me, not a male one. We had a discussion about this at the Dash site. Many butches who consider themselves to be woman and/or female also discussed this. I have a butch cock that is an extension of my body and my ideal chest would not have breasts- that is part of my butch body, my female body, but not a male one. There are also many butches who are quite fine having breasts. I know of many and they are indeed butch to the core.

I claim woman and female as my birthright. I claim butch for myself.


I think we all have complicated lives and complicated relationships to our gender.

[Dude]

Originally Posted by Blade

Dude,
I said butch in reference to how someone comes to the place where they now are butch and not TG, or how someone comes to the place where they are male or female ID'd butch, or perhaps it doesn't matter they are a butch. I had never heard the word butch until about 1995 or so and never heard of TG until I came to these sites 3 or 4 years ago and is also the same time I ever heard of male and female ID'd butches. .

I took the just's and only's out of your post and I think it stills get's your point across.
Would you say eh dont listen to her ,she's only a femme?
Or oh look it's just an ftm?