Where do I fit in?

[laruss]

As a bi woman who has been married (to a man) but who has been in love with a woman I find I have no place.
I enjoy men and women and always have. I find that the lesbian community considers me to be a fence sitter and I am not welcomed and the hetro community considers me maladjusted and doesn't want to know. Most men are okay if you are sleeping with other women, but most women are not okay with you sleeping with a man.

I find that I have no place and constantly feel like I am on the peripheral not really belonging anywhere.

So... my question then is, where do I fit in? And am I the only one who feels this way?

Where is my community??

[genghisfawn]

Hi laruss,

Welcome! Sometimes the popular opinion is only popular by a small margin... this is how minority governments are made. Remember that not everyone in the queer community is biphobic or will be unwelcoming to bisexual women. Those who mind don't matter, and those who don't matter don't mind, and all that.

As for community... what kind of community do you seek? My high school chaplain loved to tell the story of an old man who used to sit at the roadside at the gates to a big city. He met a newcomer and welcomed him, asking him what his old city had been like. The newcomer said, "My old city was full of people who were selfish, hateful, fickle and materialistic. I was glad to leave them." The old man shook his head sadly and said, "So you shall find them in the city ahead." Awhile later, another newcomer came and, upon asking the same questions, the newcomer replied, "The people in my old city were kind, selfless, good and loving. I hated to leave them." The old man smiled and nodded, saying, "So you shall find them in the city ahead."

I know you'll seek community - you took the first step by coming here! Cream rises to the top. Good to meet you, neighbour!

[Maria]

You are definitely in the right place.

Welcome to the Planet!

[Scuba]

Welcome

[grenade]

nice to meet you!


isn't genghisfawn awesome????

[genghisfawn]

Originally Posted by grenade

nice to meet you!


isn't genghisfawn awesome????

Grenaaaaaaade is my biggest femme-crush!

Welcome again, Laruss. You know you'll have fun settling in with us babes!

[clay]

hey laruss...welcome...live your life on YOUR OWN terms..and offer NO apologies...no one else's.
Like Genghis wrote..."those who mind don't matter" and those who matter, don't mind"...grins

[Sassy]

Originally Posted by laruss

As a bi woman who has been married (to a man) but who has been in love with a woman I find I have no place.
I enjoy men and women and always have. I find that the lesbian community considers me to be a fence sitter and I am not welcomed and the hetro community considers me maladjusted and doesn't want to know. Most men are okay if you are sleeping with other women, but most women are not okay with you sleeping with a man.

I find that I have no place and constantly feel like I am on the peripheral not really belonging anywhere.

So... my question then is, where do I fit in? And am I the only one who feels this way?

Where is my community??

I thoroughly empathize.

Here's some psychic hugs.

[Morgan]

Welcome Laruus.

[betenoire]

Hi Laruss. Nice to see more Canadians.

I want to say "roll it off your back" but I get that it's not always that easy. So I won't.

What I will say is this: people who are assholes will behave like assholes, and people who rock will go ahead and rock. You need to find the people who rock. And they're out there. I've been lucky enough to have had a really stellar real life community of people from all orientations and genders who really just love the hell out of one another.

And anybody who would try to police your sexuality? In addition to their behaviour being astoundingly un-feminist...they are not worth your time.

[LaneyDoll]

Originally Posted by laruss

As a bi woman who has been married (to a man) but who has been in love with a woman I find I have no place.
I enjoy men and women and always have. I find that the lesbian community considers me to be a fence sitter and I am not welcomed and the hetro community considers me maladjusted and doesn't want to know. Most men are okay if you are sleeping with other women, but most women are not okay with you sleeping with a man.

I find that I have no place and constantly feel like I am on the peripheral not really belonging anywhere.

So... my question then is, where do I fit in? And am I the only one who feels this way?

Where is my community??

Been there! I have had people tell me that I am not a "true lesbian" because I have been with men-even though I really do not consider myself to be bisexual.

So, what do you do? You stick to your guns, you let go of those who bring you down (or try to) and in time, you will find yourself surrounded by people who accept you for you.

BFP is a great place to start finding those people

Welcome to the Planet!

[EnderD_503]

Always great to see more Canadians showing up here

It's really shitty that you've had that experience. I don't know much about lgbt centres over there in Alberta, here in T.O. we have community centres and health centres that run support groups and social groups for various identities, including bisexual folks. Maybe try places like that for RL community if you have such centres in your area? Sometimes the mainstream lgbt community isn't particularly as inclusive when it comes to the B and the T, so you have to start looking outside the mainstream and into the queer community. And as others have said, ignore the assholes. It will probably seem like a tough thing to do now, but once you've found a community that is truly queer-positive for all that queer encompasses, you might find it gets easier to stomach the assholes.

[JAGG]

You are always welcome here, glad you found us.

[Novelafemme]

Welcome, Laruss

To echo what everyone else has said, welcome to the planet!! Sorry you've felt alienated elsewhere, but I doubt you'll experience that here!

xoxo, Novela

[SelfMadeMan]

Originally Posted by laruss

As a bi woman who has been married (to a man) but who has been in love with a woman I find I have no place.
I enjoy men and women and always have. I find that the lesbian community considers me to be a fence sitter and I am not welcomed and the hetro community considers me maladjusted and doesn't want to know. Most men are okay if you are sleeping with other women, but most women are not okay with you sleeping with a man.

I find that I have no place and constantly feel like I am on the peripheral not really belonging anywhere.

So... my question then is, where do I fit in? And am I the only one who feels this way?

Where is my community??

Your community is here! You fit in here and plenty of people on the Planet are more than happy to welcome you with open arms and give you a place to socialize. As for outside the forums, in your community, I would urge you to keep looking and keep trying... I'm sorry you've experienced this type of prejudice from the LGBTQ community, but not everyone is like that. I've had similar experiences as a transman, but for all the negative experiences I've had, I've had twice that in positive ones
Welcome to the Planet!

[laruss]

Thank you to everyone who responded. I do have a great group of friends who accept me for who I am, however in looking for that special someone it gets a bit tougher.

I realized last night that really I am not even bi, I really am pangender. Will this make it even more confusing?

I have never really understood the labels. My mother was married twice to men, then in two committed relationships with women. She had been in a relationship with a woman for 22 years when she died. My brother is a gay man so I have always been around all orientations. I always just thought of people as people. It's the person I fall in love with, not the outer package or their label.

That is not as acceptable out here in the real world. You must label and identify with said label. I don't... or I didn't until I found this new label, lol, now I can call myself pangender and confuse people even more.

I think I will check and see about what support groups we have here.

Thank you again to everyone who responded.

[EnderD_503]

It'll probably be confusing for the same people who took issue with bisexuality...but there are many people out there in the queer community who have no problem understanding why a person chooses to identify as pangender or pansexual. It's just a matter of breaking out of the homonormative community and finding those with a more inclusive outlook. Good luck! And yeah, if you can definitely try support groups. Might also give you tips on finding events and stuff.

[Red-Dragon]

Originally Posted by laruss

Thank you to everyone who responded. I do have a great group of friends who accept me for who I am, however in looking for that special someone it gets a bit tougher.

I realized last night that really I am not even bi, I really am pangender. Will this make it even more confusing?

I have never really understood the labels. My mother was married twice to men, then in two committed relationships with women. She had been in a relationship with a woman for 22 years when she died. My brother is a gay man so I have always been around all orientations. I always just thought of people as people. It's the person I fall in love with, not the outer package or their label.

That is not as acceptable out here in the real world. You must label and identify with said label. I don't... or I didn't until I found this new label, lol, now I can call myself pangender and confuse people even more.

I think I will check and see about what support groups we have here.

Thank you again to everyone who responded.

i agree with you to fall in love with the person not the label thats how i truely see it but the whole label thing gets me confused so i see it as fall for the person inside and out ignore the label. i'm going to be a odd ball *salutes* welcome to the planet like everyone else says. pssst...p.s. there are places in alberta just gotta find em i heard google is best to find stuff again welcome to the planet

[Beloved]

Thank you for this post, Laruss. I am brand new here (even though I must have registered some time ago, just forgot about it). I don't really identify as "bisexual." But I went through many years dating only butch women. The last relationship was very dysfunctional and verbally abusive. We split up. Then I dated a man and *gasp* many people in the butch-femme community were horrified! It really hurt. Bad. And it still does. Actually, my straight friends were supportive of me no matter who I was with. And now I am single again, and I really am attracted to butch women (more than I am to bio-men) and I feel so hesitant to try to connect with this community because I feel I may be unwelcome.

[Corkey]

On this site, you are welcome, the Planet is the only site that welcomes diversity in all our colors. So put your fears to rest and get postin'.