would you date someone with significantly different beliefs?

[aishah]

religious, political, or other...?

this isn't a "all people who believe x are awful and i can't stand them, of course i wouldn't date them" thread...more a...what are your experiences dating across boundaries of belief and conviction? how does belief play into your relationships?

i find this topic really interesting. i have a lot of friends who won't date folks with significantly different religious/political beliefs, even when they have chemistry. i think that totally makes sense, given what they are looking for in a partner.

but for me, i have always dated people with different religious beliefs and often with different political beliefs than mine, so my experience is pretty different from theirs. i haven't found it a barrier most of the time.

one of the exceptions is an ex whose mother didn't want him to marry a non-christian. but she loved me like a daughter...she just didn't want me for a daughter-in-law. i'm really close to him and his family and we are best friends...part of why i moved to kansas was to be closer to them. but that was a huge sticking point when we were together (although it was not the main reason we broke up - we were terrible for each other for lots of other reasons, hehe).

one of the worst dating experiences i've had was with a woman who had very similar political beliefs to mine. the ending of the relationship didn't make any sense to me at all (she basically just...broke off all contact with me and avoided me for no particular reason, according to her). so again it had nothing to do with our beliefs. but i found our similar beliefs didn't really change the nature of the ups and downs in the relationship.

one thing that is really frustrating and common is that all of my partners have tended to make fun of my religious beliefs. both of my current partners do this, and so do two of my exes who i am still close friends with. neither one of my current partners is particularly religious - one is a secular buddhist and the other is a secular jew - so the fun-making tends to be both over my seemingly contradictory religious beliefs and over the fact that i am very religious in the first place. (though i really, truly, honestly do not care whether other people are and don't try to drag anyone else into it.)

both of my current partners were also conservative when i first met them. one has since become a flaming liberal, the other is still a conservative republican (mostly fiscal conservative). i'm...well...so far to the left i don't even fit in "liberal progressive" communities sometimes. but honestly, other than a few heated debates - which come up like once every two years, practically - it hasn't caused tension. i guess part of it is that it's not in my nature to argue...i avoid political discussions unless they touch on social justice issues i feel very strongly about, and then i am careful about how much i engage. i don't debate for the sake of debating, ever. one of the blessings is that we've also come to see each other's perspectives a lot. for example, because of both of their experience in the military and security, i have a greater appreciation for some of the political issues underlying security in our country. and because of my poor/working class background, they have a greater appreciation for why safety net programs are important.

i like having intimacy with people around issues like identity and belief, but i guess i tend to date people with very different identities (in terms of class, race, ability, sometimes even gender and orientation, etc.) and very different beliefs, and i haven't found it a barrier. i also have friends with a wide range of beliefs, although most of my close friends have similar political beliefs.

[thedivahrrrself]

Well, my political beliefs are all over the spectrum, so I'm much more likely to date someone who can challenge me there and doesn't believe like I do. My beliefs evolve as new evidence is presented.

Religion is a sticky one for me. My ex started out religious and her beliefs evolved; after about 6 years together, she told me she was an atheist. This caused a lot of friction between us the last couple years, because she started saying really demeaning stuff like, "You are such a smart person, and you're so logical. I just don't see how you can believe in anything spiritual." She didn't understand why I adore Hitchens and Dawkins, but I remain unswayed by many of their arguments.

She wasn't what I'd call a "rabid" atheist (I have several friends who are, but they are my friends, not my partners.), but the constant backhanded compliments and swipes at my intelligence were too much to bear. We had plenty of problems, but this certainly did not help anything.

So, after that experience, I'm not sure I could date an atheist unless they could at least comprehend why I do believe in something (beyond me being too stupid to get it). As far as other religious beliefs, I'm fine with that. I'm open minded, and I love to learn about other cultures, religions and belief systems. It all makes for good conversation, as long as there is a healthy respect.

[princessbelle]

I have posted on something similar to this in the past and i'm pretty sure i had said, basically, no.

Funny how we grow and change isn't it?

Cause i sure have and now my partner has so many different views on things than i do. She is agnostic. I consider myself, my *own* version, of a Christian.

I thought it would be hard to date someone that believed differently than i do, but actually it isn't at all. We both respect each others beliefs or non beliefs and in addition there is non spoken boundaries that just come naturally to us in our relationship.

Bully knows i pray for and light candles for peeps and i can talk about stuff freely and she listens to me and understands. How wonderful is that!!! There is no judgement or making fun of me or light of me. It is just respected. And vice versa i would never push my beliefs on her, that's just not how i roll and it's our yin yang that continues to broaden my way of thinking while holding onto passionate things that are important to me in my life.

Politically, we are pretty close and it's enlightening hearing her take on things as she has lived in many liberal parts of the country and has a very large knowledge base when it comes to the big issues out there. I have learned tons from her.

I also believe in ghosts and the supernatural. Bully...not so much. I find it endearing that she is so comfortable with my spirituality and her ease into my "way" of living just as i am comfortable and try to embrace her world as she sees it.

Somehow...it just works.

Great thread!!!

[julieisafemme]

It depends. I am Jewish and Greyson is Christian. It works fine for us because we both have a belief in G-d. We do disagree quite strongly on some poltical issues. The best solution is to not discuss those.

My former spouse was Jewish and shared the same political views as I did but we were not compatible on some very basic issues. I am much more concerned about how someone deals with money, raising children, interpersonal skills and living with integrity. Greyson and I are much more in tune with these things and so day to day life is much more relaxed and harmonious. Bayit shalom or a peaceful house is delightful!

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

I am much more concerned about how someone deals with money, raising children, interpersonal skills and living with integrity.

For me, this is the foundation of a relationship regardless of different beliefs and cultural backgrounds; these can be discussed and a compromise met, such as agreeing not to discuss them.

[Ciaran]

Would I date someone with significantly different beliefs? Yes, unless their beliefs were, in my opinion, very distasteful. What I view as "very distasteful" is potentially different from the views of many others - our differences in opinions make the world a sometimes vibrant, energetic and interesting place.


Differences, within reason, are fine and, in my experience, they can be good for relationships. Certainly, I've usually had better relationships with people who've had different views from my own .......... after all, although I'm a socially conservative right-winger, I can't think of anything worse than dating another one.

[laruss]

It depends on the person. I have been in relationships with people who have similar beliefs and some who have had very different beliefs. It comes down to respect of the individual. I had a harder time with one person who supposedly had the same beliefs, as they kept putting words in my mouth, answering things for me and just assuming we were exactly the same in our thinking. One person with the very different beliefs was a great debater and we agreed to disagree on many things, it worked for us.
So my answer would be yes I would as long as they were respectful and they would need to have some idea of Spirit and our connectedness.

[Cailin]

I won't lie and say that I don't long to find someone that has similiar beliefs as I do. Being pagan, I have found alot of stigma from people, and sadly just recently from within the lgtbq community. I would love to have someone I could go to drummings and pagan outings with, and not have them feel out of place. However, I have dated several christians and catholics and had no problems what so ever. The christian was one of the loves of my life, and I hold her dear to my heart even to this day. I think the biggest point in the "major differences" is how open minded the person is. You can easily be with someone, and love them, and have such different beliefs, as long as that respect is there. Also, being pagan and a lesban, I also get alot of people confused that I am not a democrat (lol... yeaaa, you read that right) Nor am I a republican. I consider myself a "conservative liberal", if that makes any sense to anyone. I found someone once, who was the same way, and even a "spiritual" person which leans more towards being pagan. I have to tell you, it was horrible. In the end, it all builds up towards respecting another persons beliefs and if you can be open minded about it.