Were you adopted in a closed adoption?

[Apocalipstic]

I'm in therapy for a multitude of things, but the one thing that I have never thought about much in regard to my depression and trauma healing is my adoption.

I am reading and pondering and want to discuss closed adoptions from the point of view of the adoptee.

If you put a child up for closed adoption, or adopted someone that way, you may want to stay away from this thread. There will be things you don't want to hear. You are welcome, but know you have been warned. This thread is not here to make you feel better, but to work through some of the issues adoptees go through.

Now for a couple of questions to get us started:

Have you always known you were adopted?

Have you met your birth parents?

How did your adopted parents tell you you were adopted?

Thank you for your participation, I know this is a rough subject.

Jen

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Great thread!!!!!


I knew I was adopted at an early age, I would have to ask my mom about the approximate age that I actually came out and said, I don't look like y'all or I don't belong to you (something along those lines)

I have never met my birth parents but have spoken to my real mother several times but can't trust her as far as I can throw her, so to speak.

My parents didn't have to tell me I kinda figured it out when I got older and asked them
if it was true.

[Diva]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I'm in therapy for a multitude of things, but the one thing that I have never thought about much in regard to my depression and trauma healing is my adoption.

I am reading and pondering and want to discuss closed adoptions from the point of view of the adoptee.

If you put a child up for closed adoption, or adopted someone that way, you may want to stay away from this thread. There will be things you don't want to hear. You are welcome, but know you have been warned. This thread is not here to make you feel better, but to work through some of the issues adoptees go through.

Now for a couple of questions to get us started:

Have you always known you were adopted?

Have you met your birth parents?

How did your adopted parents tell you you were adopted?

Thank you for your participation, I know this is a rough subject.

Jen

Great thread, Jen....thank You for this!

I was adopted and taken from the hospital on the day I was born. They gave me a good life in comparison to what I would have had had I not been given up for adoption.

My biological mother had been abandoned by my birth father when he found out she was pregnant with me. So her sister (my 'aunt') convinced her that I should be given up. She already had another child by her first husband who had died. The sister is 12 years older than I.

I can't remember being told I was adopted; I've just always known. There were times that I felt being adopted was a curse. But now, having met my birth mother and half~sister, having been adopted was the best thing that could have happened.

My birth mother went on to divorce my father, and married 2 more times. I met her when I was 22. She was never forthcoming about my birth father and I guess I will always be a little bitter about that.

My 1/2 sister is unstable at best. She called me in May to tell me that our mother had died......in March of 2008. She said she had been "advised" not to tell me because I might come after the property. So I'm a little bitter with her too, as I would have wanted to go to her funeral. That's neither here nor there.

In the last few months, I have made contact with my 'niece' and will be visiting soon.

I love the story of my adoption... My adoptive Mom's name was Sybil. My birth mother's name was Sibyl. My name is Janey. My 1/2~sister's name is Janet.

Crazy, huh?

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by Diva

Great thread, Jen....thank You for this!

I was adopted and taken from the hospital on the day I was born. They gave me a good life in comparison to what I would have had had I not been given up for adoption.

My biological mother had been abandoned by my birth father when he found out she was pregnant with me. So her sister (my 'aunt') convinced her that I should be given up. She already had another child by her first husband who had died. The sister is 12 years older than I.

I can't remember being told I was adopted; I've just always known. There were times that I felt being adopted was a curse. But now, having met my birth mother and half~sister, having been adopted was the best thing that could have happened.

My birth mother went on to divorce my father, and married 2 more times. I met her when I was 22. She was never forthcoming about my birth father and I guess I will always be a little bitter about that.

My 1/2 sister is unstable at best. She called me in May to tell me that our mother had died......in March of 2008. She said she had been "advised" not to tell me because I might come after the property. So I'm a little bitter with her too, as I would have wanted to go to her funeral. That's neither here nor there.

In the last few months, I have made contact with my 'niece' and will be visiting soon.

I love the story of my adoption... My adoptive Mom's name was Sybil. My birth mother's name was Sibyl. My name is Janey. My 1/2~sister's name is Janet.

Crazy, huh?

diva, did we come from the same family

*wink*

[Diva]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

diva, did we come from the same family

*wink*

Scary for YOU!

[NotAnAverageGuy]

HAHAHAH *winks*

I was born in Oklahoma and it is hella hard to get any court papers opened, most of the time they won't do it at all and that sucks.

[Apocalipstic]

Thanks so much for participating!

I also was born in Oklahoma and adopted at 11 days. At the time I was born, 1963, Oklahoma had the highest rate of unwed mothers in the US and was the only state where you adopt a child and immediately take them out of the country.

I have met my birth parents, but after the original Ophah moment it was disappointing. I needed them to be sorry for discarding me, and they aren't. They gave me away because they loved me so much into a very very abusive situation. Logically I know they did the best they could.

When I met them I had what is called "the bastard moment" when you go from an upstanding member of society back to where you have to lie about who you are or have relatives who wont even look at you because you ruined their mother's life and so forth. It's not always or even often a happy daytime TV moment.

I was always told I was adopted, and at first thought all children were chosen. I later learned chosen as a replacement for the child my adopted parents dreamed they could have on their own. An impostor.

My birth certificate (the one made after the adoption, the one that does not have illegitimate stamped on it) says I am Scots Irish and that my adopted parents gave birth to me. Actually I am Irish and Cherokee. Not even the race they wanted.

I am no fan of the closed adoption system. Lies and secrets abound.

More later.

[Rockinonahigh]

Man dose this hit a sore spot big time.I wish I had just been raised on an orpanage not knowing a thing about my family conections..ever,yes it would have been so much easyer to deal with.My grandparents were always my grannie and popa,they were the rock I had in my life till they passed.My aunt who I always thought of as my mom,really wasnt,talk about slap in the face when a 6yro finds out that the mom u thought u had wasnt at all.Mom was always distant with me,worked a lot..even when she was home.Over the years i took lots of bs about my bio parents abandoning me...he left then she handed me off to my aunt then hit the road just like the old man did.Both remarried adopted other peoples kids,raised them very well indeed,never a good word or thought about the kid they threw out.My bio mother,was the family wild child,daddio was a hot shot ladys man who loved then and left them.After a time they finaly hooked up with someone settled down with family and a life.I herd from so many aunts,uncles,cousins and ppl in general about how I was a wothless missbegotten child who would turn out like them cause it is preordained in me,how could I ever be any less.When my grand parents passed I was 10 when pops went and 16 when grannie passed.I had already become quite a rebel.then all hell broke loose after grannie went...if I wasnt bad ass enough befor I shure made up for it then.If anyone had ever cared to find out how the meanness of ppl can hurt a child,I would be a poster kid for the issue.The sence of being abandoned,unloved,put up with cause what else can u do with something u just have to deal with but dont remotely care about.They tryed to beat it out of me,ignore me.send me off to a catholic bordeing school to get rid of the prob...If I was pissed before u have no idea how pissed I really became.They didnt break me.what they did was give me a life of distrust feeling of not being able to trust what ppl say to me.To shorten the story I will say this...I servived...lots of tharapy...knowing my son loves me no mater what...my fur kids keep me grounded...finaly all the ppl involved in this mess (except me) passed away.Recently I got rid of the toxic ppl in my life(talk about feeling great) and I am moveing on in rebuilding my life one step at the time.
Rockin

[Queerasfck]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Now for a couple of questions to get us started:

Have you always known you were adopted?

Have you met your birth parents?

How did your adopted parents tell you you were adopted?

Thank you for your participation, I know this is a rough subject.

Jen

I was adopted at the age of eight months. I have not met my bio mom or family but I know their last name if I wanted to try. I was told my bio mom was an unmarried teen who could not care for me.
There was no "big moment" when I was told I was adopted. It was always openly discussed and I just remember that I always knew. In my case I do not consider my adoption a rough subject. I rarely ever think of trying to find my bio family. Maybe it's just my lazy unwillingness of trying to get to know another family's eccentricities that keeps me from doing it.
One negative about adopotion for me has always been not knowing my birth family's possible health risks. But overall I feel positive about my adoption. It deeply influenced me to adopt my own children. I have four.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I found some interesting links to skim over and read if y'all want to.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoptio...ds_closed.html

http://edu.udym.com/closed-vs-open-adoption/

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

I found some interesting links to skim over and read if y'all want to.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoptio...ds_closed.html

http://edu.udym.com/closed-vs-open-adoption/

I checked them both out.

Link one makes more sense to me than link 2 and has a lot of good info I found in the books I have been reading.

Link 2 talks in part about myths of adoption and how it is a myth that adoptees have problems often. I do not agree with that at all.

If there must be an adoption, I side for Open Adoptions where there are zero secrets.

[FeminineAllure]

I was adopted in a closed adoption at 3 days old. Life was always dysfunctional with my family and still is up to this very day. But I would not trade my life with them. I learned alot.
I know my birth mothers name and age and that my biological father was her boyfriend. She was divorced at the time and already had 3 children is as much as I know.
I have my original birth certificate and my name was Joy on it. I was named Lisa Marie.
I was told I was adopted as early as I could comprehend what that meant. I have two brothers one adopted one 9 years younger than me who is their biological son. I feel equally as close to both my brothers.
I am sorry for all of those that had bad experiences with being adopted. My life was not always the best either. I just don't want to go into depth with some of my personal experiences.
There was abuse, there was alcoholism.
But I believe I chose my parents. My experiences both bad and the good made me who I am today and I am happy how I turned out. If I was raised by my biological family there are no gaurantees it would have been any better.
I have no desire to meet my birth family. I feel I was put up for adoption not the other way around. So It is up to her to search for me. I would not be opposed to meeting them but it's not a need of mine if I never do.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

Where in Oklahoma?

My real mother has lied to me so much about why I was given up and who she thinks my father is, that I have no clue where to start on searching for him.

I agree, closed adoptions are abound with lies and secrets.


On my birth certificate as well, I am listed as Cherokee and French, my adopted family is actually Swedish, Dutch and Kanza.

I always felt like I was in a swirl of lies and secrets. Sometimes finding them does not fulfil our fantasy of who we always dreamed they were.

Originally Posted by christie0918

Great thread idea!!

As an adoptee, I know much of what you have gone through.

I'm at work... busy busy day for us chief bean counters! I will be back to post my story...

In the meantime, have any of you ever read anything about "The Primal Wound?" It was very eye-opening to me...

Christie

I just received it, I am reading that an some other books. Very eye opening! Loking forward to reading more about you.

Originally Posted by Rockinonahigh

Man dose this hit a sore spot big time.I wish I had just been raised on an orpanage not knowing a thing about my family conections..ever,yes it would have been so much easyer to deal with.My grandparents were always my grannie and popa,they were the rock I had in my life till they passed.My aunt who I always thought of as my mom,really wasnt,talk about slap in the face when a 6yro finds out that the mom u thought u had wasnt at all.Mom was always distant with me,worked a lot..even when she was home.Over the years i took lots of bs about my bio parents abandoning me...he left then she handed me off to my aunt then hit the road just like the old man did.Both remarried adopted other peoples kids,raised them very well indeed,never a good word or thought about the kid they threw out.My bio mother,was the family wild child,daddio was a hot shot ladys man who loved then and left them.After a time they finaly hooked up with someone settled down with family and a life.I herd from so many aunts,uncles,cousins and ppl in general about how I was a wothless missbegotten child who would turn out like them cause it is preordained in me,how could I ever be any less.When my grand parents passed I was 10 when pops went and 16 when grannie passed.I had already become quite a rebel.then all hell broke loose after grannie went...if I wasnt bad ass enough befor I shure made up for it then.If anyone had ever cared to find out how the meanness of ppl can hurt a child,I would be a poster kid for the issue.The sence of being abandoned,unloved,put up with cause what else can u do with something u just have to deal with but dont remotely care about.They tryed to beat it out of me,ignore me.send me off to a catholic bordeing school to get rid of the prob...If I was pissed before u have no idea how pissed I really became.They didnt break me.what they did was give me a life of distrust feeling of not being able to trust what ppl say to me.To shorten the story I will say this...I servived...lots of tharapy...knowing my son loves me no mater what...my fur kids keep me grounded...finaly all the ppl involved in this mess (except me) passed away.Recently I got rid of the toxic ppl in my life(talk about feeling great) and I am moveing on in rebuilding my life one step at the time.
Rockin

Angry, misbegotten, abandoned. I so get all that!
People have tried to break my will too, we are stronger than people think. Thank you so much for participating!

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I too was adopted. My mother proceeded to abuse me until I was 14 and taken out of the home. After she had kicked me in the chest repeatedly while wearing clogs. She collapsed my mitral valve and left me in the driveway because she was angry that my father had gone to NM for his brothers funeral.

I knew I was adopted from early on, in fact I was reminded of it almost every day by Mom, who said I was her debt to society not a family member.

I don't reveal all this in a poor me manner. It is what it is and I've had years of therapy. Here is an interesting fact that is not loudly talked about:

It has long been documented that former foster kids are overrepresented in America's prisons....Example: "69% on inmates in California State Prisons were former foster children; 60% in Massachusetts were foster children" according to testimony on the Congressional Record. The same appears to be true of adoptees.... Example: According to FBI stats: "16% of 500 serial killers are adoptees." http://foia.fbi.gov/foiaindex/foiaindex_s.htm and according to Dr. Mike Aamodt, Radford University, "14% of 225 serial killers are adoptees."
Therefore, it begs the question as to WHY, if adoption (instead of foster care or permanent guardianship) is truly in the adoptees' "best interests," does "an over-representation of adoptees" end up in prison --

• regardless whether adopted as newborns or later in childhood,
• regardless whether placed with abusive or loving adopters,
• regardless whether they inherited "good genes" or "bad" genes from loving or abusive biological parents,
• regardless whether of one race/nationality or another,

[Note that AmFOR includes as noteworthy not only adoptees whose behaviors since childhood have escalated to felony crimes but also some truly "wrongfully convicted" adoptees who have been easily coerced into admitting guilt or accepting plea bargains for crimes they did NOT commit from lifelong acquiescence regarding their unnatural status.]
While many factors result in criminal behaviors, the fact of the adoption, how it was handled in the adoptive home, and "Adopted Child Syndrome" is often purposely overlooked at trial because it is "politically incorrect" to explore adoption's negative effects on the adoptee. Savvy profilers, forensic psychologists, attorneys, writers and other researchers, factor in adoption's abuse, not as an "excuse" but as a contributory "reason" (the "WHY") for criminal behavior in these individuals.

Closed adoption is so not in anyone's interest. Adopted Child Syndrome exists and I hope more people will beging to see it for what it is and get their lovely ideas of all the happy adoptions out of their minds.

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

Adele, I often wondered this about the inmates in our system but I don't see anything Politically Incorrect about bringing up the negative side of adoption.


Is it the anger the adoptee has that leads them to a life of violence or is it truly "bad genes"

Rockin,

I am so sorry that you and some of the other posters had to experience these horrid actions of your adopted parents, I grew up in a great home with lots of love yet today I am an angry adult who has tons of questions and no answers.

Sorry if this brings up sore subject for you. I totally understand if its too much.

Originally Posted by EzeeTiger

I was adopted at the age of eight months. I have not met my bio mom or family but I know their last name if I wanted to try. I was told my bio mom was an unmarried teen who could not care for me.
There was no "big moment" when I was told I was adopted. It was always openly discussed and I just remember that I always knew. In my case I do not consider my adoption a rough subject. I rarely ever think of trying to find my bio family. Maybe it's just my lazy unwillingness of trying to get to know another family's eccentricities that keeps me from doing it.
One negative about adopotion for me has always been not knowing my birth family's possible health risks. But overall I feel positive about my adoption. It deeply influenced me to adopt my own children. I have four.

I am so glad things worked well for you, you are in the minority actually.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

No it's not too much, this is a topic that needs to be talked about to where everyone can express how they feel about the topic and their feelings.

Thank you for this thread!!!

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by EzeeTiger

I was adopted at the age of eight months. I have not met my bio mom or family but I know their last name if I wanted to try. I was told my bio mom was an unmarried teen who could not care for me.
There was no "big moment" when I was told I was adopted. It was always openly discussed and I just remember that I always knew. In my case I do not consider my adoption a rough subject. I rarely ever think of trying to find my bio family. Maybe it's just my lazy unwillingness of trying to get to know another family's eccentricities that keeps me from doing it.
One negative about adopotion for me has always been not knowing my birth family's possible health risks. But overall I feel positive about my adoption. It deeply influenced me to adopt my own children. I have four.

the sentence I bolded is the biggest frustration I have, I go to the dr. and can't tell them anything because I am adopted. I know a few things from my real mothers side of the family but not my fathers.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

the sentence I bolded is the biggest frustration I have, I go to the dr. and can't tell them anything because I am adopted. I know a few things from my real mothers side of the family but not my fathers.

Its weird for me too, when I fill out paperwork at the doc's office, half of it says adopted.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Its weird for me too, when I fill out paperwork at the doc's office, half of it says adopted.

The doc's look at me funny sometimes as well but I shrug it off because I don't think the concept of closed adoptions have come into play with their line of work.

I am to the point that I know some form of cancer will kill me or I will keel over dead at old age.

[Rockinonahigh]

I get ya on wanting to know the info on health,cause I know nothing about the other side of the familys health issues.Once I did contact someone about it,I told them all I wanted was health info...they hung up the phone.I gess like most of us will never know much if anything.I figure all I can do is stay healthy and fit as I can.
A fue questions,it may sound kinda weired but, hear it is.Do any of u feel like u are constantly looking for something,waiting for something to happen.In one of my therapy sessions I ask about this,the anser I got was..everybody dose that it dosent matter who.
The reason I ask is so many times I feel like no matter how hard I try,how much I work to do all I can to be the best I can be,its not enough.Also in social situations I can be such a dork,I often dont really beleave ppl are wanting to include me in what ever is going on as they are just being pc in public.There is one more but im not shure how to say it right,but hear goes..This has triped me up a lot..when I meet someone intresting that I would like to know better...I hear what they say about me,us maybe dateing some more. I hear them but somewhere in my mind I either dissassosheate it or am not shure if they mean it,so to keep from being hurt again...I step back
and out of whatever it could become.This has cost me big time,I hate it for doing this,so dont really know how to get past this.
Rockin

[Jet]

...................

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Have you always known you were adopted?
Since I was 17

Have you met your birth parents?
My mother is my real mother. I found my dad when I was 28 through the FBI.

How did your adopted parents tell you you were adopted?
It took my mother about 4 hours to tell me the whole story. And trust me, it is a movie.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

...................

How traumatic to not find out you are adopted till 17! Did they tell you, or did you find out on your own?

Was your father glad you found him?

My life seems like a movie too, several of them. I totally get that.

Maybe thats why we love film so much, we feel like our lives are not really real? Apparently that is a pretty usual side effect of adoption.

Thank you for sharing!