having kids/being the nonbio parent

stephfromMIT · 08-20-2012, 02:30 PM

Anyone here start a family after coming out/partnering? If you weren't the gestational parent, how did you deal? If you were, how did your SO cope?

When we have kids, Amanda will be the gestational mom (I lack the body fat % to sustain a pregnancy)

QueenofSmirks · 08-20-2012, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stephfromMIT

Anyone here start a family after coming out/partnering? If you weren't the gestational parent, how did you deal? If you were, how did your SO cope?

When we have kids, Amanda will be the gestational mom (I lack the body fat % to sustain a pregnancy)

I'm not sure I understand the question. "How did you deal"... with what? "How did your SO cope"... with what?

stephfromMIT · 08-20-2012, 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by QueenofSmirks

I'm not sure I understand the question. "How did you deal"... with what? "How did your SO cope"... with what?

How did you deal with the fact that it was your SO who was pregnant, or if you were pregnant, how they dealt with it. (Yes, I'm probably way over-thinking this)

Heavenleahangel · 08-20-2012, 03:25 PM

This is going to be a unique reply, I am sure, but as a femme who fully embraced a very close friend and partner who was in tune with their own bodies/identities enough to want to carry a child and add to our family, I can rightly say I was 110% ready, willing and able to support my partner with carrying our child.

I have older bio children and regretted being unable to have another child, but felt blessed to be in the position to be a part of such a beautiful experience. It didn't matter to me the child would not have been my "gestational" child. He/she would have been my child none the less. My love knows no boundries and all children are precious.

Unfortunately, there was great difficulty in conceiving and she didn't/couldn't make her dream a reality, but I would still to this day stand by my partner and do whatever was needed to support a pregnancy.

jac · 08-20-2012, 05:36 PM

I had an ex that wanted desperately to have a baby. I was willing and we tried artificial insemination several times. It just wasn't happening. I was all for it, though, so that she could experience what I had. And as for my current relationship... If she wanted to I would be right there in support of her choices and desires, and I would take care of her in any and all ways that I could. Myself I have had children already and physically cannot have anymore, nor do I want to. It was an expereince I am all set with now...

always2late · 08-20-2012, 05:50 PM

Ok, I hate sounding like a downer, but just wanted to insert my 2 cents here. Anyone considering starting a family where one partner is going to be the actual bio-mother of the child needs to consult an attorney. I know we don't like to think of a relationship ending when we are in love...but, as we know, it does happen. Luckily, I have never been in this situation, but I have friends who have been...and they have had to deal not only with the heartbreak of losing their partner, but with the complete devastation of losing their child as well.

Bard · 08-20-2012, 05:50 PM

I have a daughter with my EX she is the biomom I never missed a appointment from insemination to birth I was the first to hold Goose and she is as much my daughter as my EX's and if anyone questions that I can tell you she will fight you. I have visitation with my daughter and I pay child support. during her pregnancy I did whatever I could just like and partner would I guess it was more her family that sees Goose as theirs not related to me and her mother has said that to me and to Goose however MY family sees Goose as part of our family no questions asked, we had picked a donor who was close to my ethnic background and really Goose looks more like my family then she does the EX's.

spritzerJ · 08-20-2012, 05:53 PM

Hi Steph... Gestational parent of one girl, known around the planet as The General. I always wondered more about Alpha Femmes, so word to the wise... careful what you wonder about...

I was in a committed relationship with a woman (we did the as close to marriage event as we could) when The General was conceived. We have a known donor who will identity release when The General is 18 or she figures it out.

I can not speak to the non gestational parent feelings really well. I will note several things that was important in our journey.
1. Read the books on lesbian conception. I read it, she didn't. It can cause friction. Be sure to laugh about the process and even what you read. Parenting requires a sense of humor.
2. Be present physically during insemination. Scheduling the whole ball of wax can be tricky. I told her the book said it was important but she decided to skip out early and well it really, really upset her later. She felt disconnected in a way she attributed to her not staying the whole time and not coming the 2nd round. Like I could just do it with out her. Which was a terrible guilt I could not ease.
3. Enjoy the pregnancy and all the craziness. My ex wasn't perfect but she was while I was pregnant. She put up with a lot and had a great sense of humor. Sure it was trying at times but I am very grateful now for her understanding.
4. I obsessed about the whole conceiving thing. It was hard to not try a cycle because I got so stressed out but we had to take a break. If you are a known obsessor make a plan to support the non obsessor or both of you in the process.

Other notables...
1. We have a great agreement with our known donor. It has morphed a little bit and everyone is okay with the changes. His mom knows The General, we didn't expect that even though we talked about it. She is accepting of her non grandparent just special person who loves The general role. We are very lucky.
2. We did try with a sperm bank a couple times. That process was tricky and well in retrospect a hoot.
3. We inseminated at home. There was no reason to believe I was going to need assistance getting pregnant (assistance other than the to go cup). There are legal things to consider but no amount of having a doctor do it was going to save us a hassle and heart ache if our donor decided to change his mind.

Gemme · 08-25-2012, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stephfromMIT

Anyone here start a family after coming out/partnering? If you weren't the gestational parent, how did you deal? If you were, how did your SO cope?

When we have kids, Amanda will be the gestational mom (I lack the body fat % to sustain a pregnancy)

Well, I came into the game late. Luv's baby Luv is in the double digits now, so I was far, far away when the creation and expulsion of the munchkin happened.

However, I can tell you this. I deal well, most of the time. I am a very private, personal person and I do miss having more 'me' time, but at the same time, I don't. I like the kid. The kid likes me. I like Luv. Luv likes me. It all works. On the few occasions when I'm about the blow, Luv takes care of it...of me...of us.

I cope and/or deal as any other step parent would, I suppose. I was the one to pull Baby Luv's brand new, fresh from her TA assignment teacher to the side to explain our family dynamics and why our child might address her parents as pop and mom, instead of something else. I am the one to take the munchkin shopping (except when I drag Luv along too). I am the one the lil one scrunches up to on the couch while we watch TV at night.

I didn't birth her, but that doesn't make her any less mine. I lay down the law and am listened to and respected just as much as Luv is. We got hella lucky; she's a good kid. So, we don't have to worry too much about this stuff. Yet. The teen years have yet to come.

So, I guess maybe my response doesn't really fit with what you are asking, but it's my experience. If you're a step parent or 'other' parent or half of the parenting force or whatever else you prefer to call it, you do what you need to do. You put your own shit aside and put the kid's first. You suck it up and put your big girl/boy panties/boxers on and do what needs to be done. You act like what you are: a parent.

And, if the parenting team is fractured for whatever reason, the kid will see that. And then things get hairy.

G Snap! · 09-02-2012, 11:24 AM

Good thread, very interesting! This is a big topic between many same-sex couples, and I have seen this make or break relationships.

I am pleased to see the couples, who have decided to have a baby together, but are no longer a couple, are able to keep both the child's and non-biological parent's relationship intact.

The cases The_Lady_Snow referenced are in your favor if you both marry in Massachusetts and have your child there. If you are familiar with laws, you know the courts have to rule the same way in any future similar cases. Fortunately Massachusetts has their sh*t together. If I may say so without intent to offend anyone; they separate church and state, and recognize marriage as a legal contract, not a union made before god.
It leaves me asking: Would this be something noted on a prenump agreement?

08-20-2012, 02:30 PM	#1
stephfromMIT Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Troll Preferred Pronoun?: she her Relationship Status: engaged to my fiancee Amanda Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: cambridge MA Posts: 230 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 703 Thanked 408 Times in 143 Posts Rep Power: 0	having kids/being the nonbio parent Anyone here start a family after coming out/partnering? If you weren't the gestational parent, how did you deal? If you were, how did your SO cope? When we have kids, Amanda will be the gestational mom (I lack the body fat % to sustain a pregnancy) Last edited by stephfromMIT; 08-20-2012 at 02:33 PM. Reason: our future plans

08-20-2012, 03:25 PM	#4
Heavenleahangel Member How Do You Identify?: OFOS Femme; Earth bound Angel and Babygirl; Preferred Pronoun?: She, Angel, as long as it's respectful Relationship Status: Waiting for the One who can complete me Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Albany, NY~but originally from Georgia Posts: 562 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,257 Thanked 2,069 Times in 468 Posts Rep Power: 18675552	This is going to be a unique reply, I am sure, but as a femme who fully embraced a very close friend and partner who was in tune with their own bodies/identities enough to want to carry a child and add to our family, I can rightly say I was 110% ready, willing and able to support my partner with carrying our child. I have older bio children and regretted being unable to have another child, but felt blessed to be in the position to be a part of such a beautiful experience. It didn't matter to me the child would not have been my "gestational" child. He/she would have been my child none the less. My love knows no boundries and all children are precious. Unfortunately, there was great difficulty in conceiving and she didn't/couldn't make her dream a reality, but I would still to this day stand by my partner and do whatever was needed to support a pregnancy. __________________ Sweet Georgia Peach

08-20-2012, 05:50 PM	#6
always2late Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: m'lady Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: NJ Posts: 2,000 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,834 Thanked 6,231 Times in 1,462 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Ok, I hate sounding like a downer, but just wanted to insert my 2 cents here. Anyone considering starting a family where one partner is going to be the actual bio-mother of the child needs to consult an attorney. I know we don't like to think of a relationship ending when we are in love...but, as we know, it does happen. Luckily, I have never been in this situation, but I have friends who have been...and they have had to deal not only with the heartbreak of losing their partner, but with the complete devastation of losing their child as well. __________________ Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there ~ Rumi

08-20-2012, 05:50 PM	#7
Bard Family Man How Do You Identify?: TG Male Preferred Pronoun?: Masculine ones Relationship Status: She just gets me Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ..... Posts: 2,828 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,997 Thanked 12,786 Times in 2,431 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I have a daughter with my EX she is the biomom I never missed a appointment from insemination to birth I was the first to hold Goose and she is as much my daughter as my EX's and if anyone questions that I can tell you she will fight you. I have visitation with my daughter and I pay child support. during her pregnancy I did whatever I could just like and partner would I guess it was more her family that sees Goose as theirs not related to me and her mother has said that to me and to Goose however MY family sees Goose as part of our family no questions asked, we had picked a donor who was close to my ethnic background and really Goose looks more like my family then she does the EX's. __________________ This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill Fifteen percent concentrated power of will Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain And a hundred percent reason to remember the name! Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh - erotic nightmares beyond any measure, and sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Can't you just see it? Don't dream it, be it.

09-02-2012, 11:24 AM	#10
G Snap! Member How Do You Identify?: gay. I'm very happy, thank you! Preferred Pronoun?: Miss Relationship Status: Chefhmboyrd's seeing eye blonde Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Nashvegas Posts: 253 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 412 Thanked 1,109 Times in 229 Posts Rep Power: 6596928	interesting Good thread, very interesting! This is a big topic between many same-sex couples, and I have seen this make or break relationships. I am pleased to see the couples, who have decided to have a baby together, but are no longer a couple, are able to keep both the child's and non-biological parent's relationship intact. The cases The_Lady_Snow referenced are in your favor if you both marry in Massachusetts and have your child there. If you are familiar with laws, you know the courts have to rule the same way in any future similar cases. Fortunately Massachusetts has their sh*t together. If I may say so without intent to offend anyone; they separate church and state, and recognize marriage as a legal contract, not a union made before god. It leaves me asking: Would this be something noted on a prenump agreement?

08-20-2012, 05:36 PM	#5
jac Timed Out - Permanent How Do You Identify?: butch stone Preferred Pronoun?: masculine ones work best... Relationship Status: ♥ engaged to spritz ♥ Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: bangor, maine Posts: 3,344 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 20,720 Thanked 16,492 Times in 2,972 Posts Rep Power: 0	I had an ex that wanted desperately to have a baby. I was willing and we tried artificial insemination several times. It just wasn't happening. I was all for it, though, so that she could experience what I had. And as for my current relationship... If she wanted to I would be right there in support of her choices and desires, and I would take care of her in any and all ways that I could. Myself I have had children already and physically cannot have anymore, nor do I want to. It was an expereince I am all set with now...

08-20-2012, 05:53 PM	#8
spritzerJ Timed Out - Permanent How Do You Identify?: Queer (gender), female (biological marker) Preferred Pronoun?: she will work as a default. Relationship Status: engaged to jac until 8/10/14 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Maine Posts: 3,154 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,307 Thanked 15,802 Times in 2,905 Posts Rep Power: 0	Hi Steph... Gestational parent of one girl, known around the planet as The General. I always wondered more about Alpha Femmes, so word to the wise... careful what you wonder about... I was in a committed relationship with a woman (we did the as close to marriage event as we could) when The General was conceived. We have a known donor who will identity release when The General is 18 or she figures it out. I can not speak to the non gestational parent feelings really well. I will note several things that was important in our journey. 1. Read the books on lesbian conception. I read it, she didn't. It can cause friction. Be sure to laugh about the process and even what you read. Parenting requires a sense of humor. 2. Be present physically during insemination. Scheduling the whole ball of wax can be tricky. I told her the book said it was important but she decided to skip out early and well it really, really upset her later. She felt disconnected in a way she attributed to her not staying the whole time and not coming the 2nd round. Like I could just do it with out her. Which was a terrible guilt I could not ease. 3. Enjoy the pregnancy and all the craziness. My ex wasn't perfect but she was while I was pregnant. She put up with a lot and had a great sense of humor. Sure it was trying at times but I am very grateful now for her understanding. 4. I obsessed about the whole conceiving thing. It was hard to not try a cycle because I got so stressed out but we had to take a break. If you are a known obsessor make a plan to support the non obsessor or both of you in the process. Other notables... 1. We have a great agreement with our known donor. It has morphed a little bit and everyone is okay with the changes. His mom knows The General, we didn't expect that even though we talked about it. She is accepting of her non grandparent just special person who loves The general role. We are very lucky. 2. We did try with a sperm bank a couple times. That process was tricky and well in retrospect a hoot. 3. We inseminated at home. There was no reason to believe I was going to need assistance getting pregnant (assistance other than the to go cup). There are legal things to consider but no amount of having a doctor do it was going to save us a hassle and heart ache if our donor decided to change his mind.