Being Friends with an Ex - How Long

Daryn · 12-21-2009, 10:11 PM

I broke up last July and it was to me the only option left. It's so not what I had hoped for in the beginning. And we were together nearly 5 years - living together nearly 3 years. Had 2 dogs. We each kept one.

Thing is I know what I miss about her and I know what I don't miss and I'd like to be friends but apparently it's still too soon for her. I'd like to be able to let the dogs see each other and play. I know my dog misses her "sister" a lot as well as missing my ex. And I miss the other dog too. Never thought I could really like a little dog but this one had a big attitude and was a big love. I am glad I found her and decided she should have a home with us.

Anyway.... I'd like to hear what you think in terms of how much time it takes to be friends with exes.... (I do have one ex who is a close friend and another who is a distant friend and a couple that I don't speak to ... so it's all over the map in my world).

Selenay · 12-21-2009, 10:17 PM

You may never be friends with her again.

Personally, I cut ties.

There's a reason we broke up, and usually I disengage from any sort of relationship with the person.

But that's me and I've always been told I'm ~*vicious*~

NotAnAverageGuy · 12-21-2009, 10:47 PM

You may never be friends with your ex, some ex's can't be friends regardless of animals or not.

I am friends with only one of my ex's, who now happens to be my best friend, we realized it was just better off as friends and not partners.

Waldo · 12-21-2009, 10:56 PM

You two were together for years. There's a lot to process and people process at different speeds. And the other posters are right - it may never come to fruition.

When I was younger I did everything I could to maintain friendships with my exes. In recent years I've accepted that while some people are important to me even though we don't make a great couple there are others whom it simply isn't in the cards. There's no reason for me to make room in my heart or my life for someone who treated me poorly, or was otherwise ill suited for friendship for any number of reasons.

Now the simple answer, according to Sex And The City? The time it takes to "get over" a relationship gone bust is half the length of the relationship.

Surayna · 12-21-2009, 11:15 PM

I have been able to maintain friendships with all but 2 of my long term ex's in the last 25 years. Most of them are on my facebook page and we keep in touch regularly.

Of the two I do not consider to be friends:
One of them went to prison for abusing my daughter over 18 years ago. While we do not maintain a friendship - we did speak ONCE after he got out of prison and I no longer have any hateful feelings towards him. I could not and will not ever be his friend, though.

The other ex is my most recent break-up (August), and while I don't hold any ill will towards her in any way, I am also not ready to be friends with her. We were together for 3 1/2 years.

For me - friendship requires a certain level of trust, respect and honesty. If those things are not present, I will not consider someone a friend, no matter how close we once were. *shrugs*

Good luck!!

Softly · 12-22-2009, 12:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Surayna

For me - friendship requires a certain level of trust, respect and honesty. If those things are not present, I will not consider someone a friend, no matter how close we once were. *shrugs*

I agree with the above.

I am friends with 2 of my exes, both were long term...one is my ex husband who is like my bff and stuff and other is my first boyfriend ha ha

I think circumstance makes up for a whole lot of if you can be friends or not...a bad break up? I cut the ties. I don't need any negative crap in my life.

mutual break up? maybe we can be friends

If me and my current break up I feel we would be just as close as we are now. just no humping. xoxoxo

Passionaria · 12-22-2009, 12:19 AM

I can understand how you are feeling Daryn. I just separated from a 7 year relationship this summer. We are really trying to be friends, almost like sliding over. Love and caring was never the issue between us. That has always been there. And continues to be. We lived as friends for years, and decided to be honest about it, finally. We both have kids, and know each others families, and love them. And we don't want to loose that. Sometimes we have to take breaks, and not see each other for a few weeks. But then we will do social things together. It is taking allot of patience, as feelings arise, but then again how many people in this world do I know for sure really love me???? Not allot, not for real. So it is worth it to me.

There are a few people I don't want to know anymore, as well. Usually has to do with betrayal or dishonesty. I don't come back from that one.

xoxoxo Pashi

christie · 12-21-2009, 10:53 PM

I, too, cut ties.

I am not friends with exes. They are exes for a reason...

On the other hand, I don't fuck my friends...

Some things, at least to me, are pretty black and white.

Are Jess and I best friends? Of course. Would I miss that if our relationship was over? Yes. Absolutely. Would I want to be "friends" and watch Hym move on with Hys life and vice versa? Fuck no.

Given all of that is hypothetical, if it were an actuality, I might feel differently. We both work hard every day to ensure we aren't faced with the situation.

All that aside, I am sorry that you miss your friend. I am sorry that your furbaby misses her and the sibling furbaby.

RNguy · 12-22-2009, 12:45 PM

This is an interesting topic.
An ex of mine ( we were together 4 years ) ( we have been broken up for 8 years ) anyways, she recently requested me as a friend on facebook.
I have heard over the years, that she wished we were still together. The breakup wasn't very nice to go through at all.
It's been so long, that I accepted her friendship.
I think that overtime you can be friends with an ex, but honestly I have never been in any relationship where it ended in a mutual agreement. It was always a one sided deal and the other was upset about it.
I'd prefer probably to cut ties and leave it alone, with no contact.
Now, if I saw an ex broken down on the road, whether we were friends or not, I would still stop and help her .
Very interesting topic and views here.
-RNguy

Bijoux · 12-22-2009, 08:45 AM

It depends on how the break up occurred. Did you break up with her? She might still be too hurt to be friends. I think for me, it depends on how long it takes for me to get over the pain of the loss. Everyone is different.
I am friends with most of my ex's but it took at least half the time we were together to get there...so if you were together 5 years...it might take 2.5 years before you can hang out as friends....
Bijoux

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daryn

I broke up last July and it was to me the only option left. It's so not what I had hoped for in the beginning. And we were together nearly 5 years - living together nearly 3 years. Had 2 dogs. We each kept one.

Thing is I know what I miss about her and I know what I don't miss and I'd like to be friends but apparently it's still too soon for her. I'd like to be able to let the dogs see each other and play. I know my dog misses her "sister" a lot as well as missing my ex. And I miss the other dog too. Never thought I could really like a little dog but this one had a big attitude and was a big love. I am glad I found her and decided she should have a home with us.

Anyway.... I'd like to hear what you think in terms of how much time it takes to be friends with exes.... (I do have one ex who is a close friend and another who is a distant friend and a couple that I don't speak to ... so it's all over the map in my world).

apretty · 12-22-2009, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daryn

Anyway.... I'd like to hear what you think in terms of how much time it takes to be friends with exes....

one month for each year that you were involved, plus one year for each time someone cheated, times 5 (years) for each child between you. multiple that by 1.5 if you're on the west coast and by 2 if you're on the east coast, by 3 if you're in the south. add 3 weeks if she kept your books, minus a day for every CD of hers that you stole. times 5 years for each dollar over 1000 that you "borrowed". good luck!

Queerasfck · 12-22-2009, 09:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apretty

one month for each year that you were involved, plus one year for each time someone cheated, times 5 (years) for each child between you. multiple that by 1.5 if you're on the west coast and by 2 if you're on the east coast, by 3 if you're in the south. add 3 weeks if she kept your books, minus a day for every CD of hers that you stole. times 5 years for each dollar over 1000 that you "borrowed". good luck!

Wow. You never cease to amaze me.

apretty · 12-22-2009, 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EzeeTiger

Wow. You never cease to amaze me.

all in a day's work.

Andrew, Jr. · 12-22-2009, 09:44 AM

Personally, I think it is ok to be friends. Life is too short. There are some people who leave a mark on your heart, and some who you can't even remember their name. If this person left that much of an imprint, then work on the friendship. If you get sick, it is your friends who will take care of you. I am very good friends with all of my ex's. Each one played a role in my life. And they all know each other, with the exception of one gal. But then again, she is another story all together.

Bit · 12-22-2009, 11:39 AM

Me personally, I think it would be better just to get another dog so your furbaby won't be so lonesome... but then you already know that. *cheeky, cheeky grin*

Okay, seriously... I've always wanted to be the kind of person who stayed friends with her exes, but it hasn't worked out that way. Even the one ex I stayed on very friendly terms with eventually fell out of my life... or maybe I fell out of hers, who knows? We drifted apart, anyhow. And my more recent exes, the pain has been too strong for me to let them stay in my life. I also have this ironclad rule: if I was used or abused in the relationship, there is no friendship ever. It wouldn't be healthy for me to put myself back into that situation.

FeminineAllure · 12-26-2009, 11:47 PM

The only one I have remained friendly with is my ex husband. We were only married for 4 years and there have been gaps in our contact. But we have been friends a total of 17 years now.
I believe because we were friends first before we dated.

friskyfemme · 12-23-2009, 11:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apretty

one month for each year that you were involved, plus one year for each time someone cheated, times 5 (years) for each child between you. multiple that by 1.5 if you're on the west coast and by 2 if you're on the east coast, by 3 if you're in the south. add 3 weeks if she kept your books, minus a day for every CD of hers that you stole. times 5 years for each dollar over 1000 that you "borrowed". good luck!

Cute pretty...LOL
But personally I have only had 1 ex out of 5 that I have ever tried to maintain a friendship with. I found it cumbersome especially when new partners came into the picture. One of my exes, maintained friendships on various levels with every one he ever partnered with. I have to say I was not comfortable with it. Especially when a couple of them flirted alot. I felt it was disrespectful. Me, I think remaining friends with exes is kinda like trying to downgrade what we had together. I rather just move on.

NotAnAverageGuy · 12-26-2009, 10:08 PM

Some people have a love/hate relationship with their ex's, one day you hate em, one day you love them to death.

I personally have a love/hate/money/friendship relationship with my ex. But it wasn't always that way, once we split up some things were said and after a few months we stopped talking all together, till one day I get a PM from her on yahoo messenger telling me she was pregnant and slowly she saw that I wasn't gonna fuck her over like everyone else did. Ever since than we talk just about every day, I visit often and her son is my nephew and I am basically part of the family.

Remember not ALL things turn out this way.

bigbutchmistie · 12-22-2009, 01:00 PM

I am friends with two of my exes. One is my very first gf from years ago. She and I are passing friends. My last ex and I are friends. I'm even friends with her now fiancee. We had dogs together and I got one and she got one. I have to say its all about what each party feels. For me I am friends with these two because we didn't break up for crazy reasons. Like cheating etc. We just realized we would be better off friends. It. Was a mutual break up. Not syaing there wasn't hurt. There was. But both experiences have taught me a lot about who I am and what I want and need in a partner.

Legendryder · 12-22-2009, 01:18 PM

The only advice I can give, is back WAAAYYYYY off. Find a dog park, socialize with people there. Get some contacts from the dog park for doggie play dates, and get on with your life. Maybe, just maybe, in the future you may become friends. But right now, there seems to be too much "stuff" there.

12-21-2009, 10:11 PM	#1
Daryn Timed Out How Do You Identify?: genderqueer leaning male Preferred Pronoun?: he/ze Relationship Status: open to persuasion..... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: OR Posts: 185 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 209 Thanked 280 Times in 81 Posts Rep Power: 0	Being Friends with an Ex - How Long I broke up last July and it was to me the only option left. It's so not what I had hoped for in the beginning. And we were together nearly 5 years - living together nearly 3 years. Had 2 dogs. We each kept one. Thing is I know what I miss about her and I know what I don't miss and I'd like to be friends but apparently it's still too soon for her. I'd like to be able to let the dogs see each other and play. I know my dog misses her "sister" a lot as well as missing my ex. And I miss the other dog too. Never thought I could really like a little dog but this one had a big attitude and was a big love. I am glad I found her and decided she should have a home with us. Anyway.... I'd like to hear what you think in terms of how much time it takes to be friends with exes.... (I do have one ex who is a close friend and another who is a distant friend and a couple that I don't speak to ... so it's all over the map in my world).

12-21-2009, 10:17 PM	#2
Selenay Member How Do You Identify?: A soul for a compass and a heart for a pair of wings. Preferred Pronoun?: All I ask of living is to have no chains on me. Relationship Status: All I own are the strides I spend to the finish line. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Somewhere in between here and gone. Posts: 662 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 110 Thanked 1,449 Times in 369 Posts Rep Power: 6344714	You may never be friends with her again. Personally, I cut ties. There's a reason we broke up, and usually I disengage from any sort of relationship with the person. But that's me and I've always been told I'm ~vicious~ __________________ Two or three things I know for sure, And one is that I would rather go naked Than wear the coat the world has made for me.

12-21-2009, 10:56 PM	#4
Waldo Member How Do You Identify?: Special Snowflake Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Wine Country, Oregon Posts: 470 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22 Thanked 795 Times in 238 Posts Rep Power: 1006287	You two were together for years. There's a lot to process and people process at different speeds. And the other posters are right - it may never come to fruition. When I was younger I did everything I could to maintain friendships with my exes. In recent years I've accepted that while some people are important to me even though we don't make a great couple there are others whom it simply isn't in the cards. There's no reason for me to make room in my heart or my life for someone who treated me poorly, or was otherwise ill suited for friendship for any number of reasons. Now the simple answer, according to Sex And The City? The time it takes to "get over" a relationship gone bust is half the length of the relationship. __________________ Perved lately? \| My website \| NEW: lez.org

12-21-2009, 11:15 PM	#5
Surayna Member How Do You Identify?: Femme - babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Incredibly content, amazingly happy, and loved by some wonderful people! Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: PNW Posts: 179 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 93 Thanked 82 Times in 36 Posts Rep Power: 16	I have been able to maintain friendships with all but 2 of my long term ex's in the last 25 years. Most of them are on my facebook page and we keep in touch regularly. Of the two I do not consider to be friends: One of them went to prison for abusing my daughter over 18 years ago. While we do not maintain a friendship - we did speak ONCE after he got out of prison and I no longer have any hateful feelings towards him. I could not and will not ever be his friend, though. The other ex is my most recent break-up (August), and while I don't hold any ill will towards her in any way, I am also not ready to be friends with her. We were together for 3 1/2 years. For me - friendship requires a certain level of trust, respect and honesty. If those things are not present, I will not consider someone a friend, no matter how close we once were. shrugs Good luck!! __________________ "The more you love, the more you can love – and the more intensely you love." ~Lazarus Long~ "Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." ~Nicholas Sparks~ "Bite Marks Are Love Notes Written In Flesh" ~anonymous~

12-22-2009, 12:19 AM	#7
Passionaria Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Urban Bohemian : http://youtu.be/IM96Ch9Gx4A Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: She ran away with with the Gypsy's ✿ Posts: 2,519 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,316 Thanked 3,735 Times in 1,249 Posts Rep Power: 16689909	I can understand how you are feeling Daryn. I just separated from a 7 year relationship this summer. We are really trying to be friends, almost like sliding over. Love and caring was never the issue between us. That has always been there. And continues to be. We lived as friends for years, and decided to be honest about it, finally. We both have kids, and know each others families, and love them. And we don't want to loose that. Sometimes we have to take breaks, and not see each other for a few weeks. But then we will do social things together. It is taking allot of patience, as feelings arise, but then again how many people in this world do I know for sure really love me???? Not allot, not for real. So it is worth it to me. There are a few people I don't want to know anymore, as well. Usually has to do with betrayal or dishonesty. I don't come back from that one. xoxoxo Pashi __________________ *Moon cat madness*

12-21-2009, 10:47 PM	#3
NotAnAverageGuy Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Trans Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 1,723 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 109 Thanked 282 Times in 178 Posts Rep Power: 0	You may never be friends with your ex, some ex's can't be friends regardless of animals or not. I am friends with only one of my ex's, who now happens to be my best friend, we realized it was just better off as friends and not partners.

12-21-2009, 10:53 PM	#8
christie Member How Do You Identify?: A Force with which to be reckoned Preferred Pronoun?: just be nice... Relationship Status: I call her Mine Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Transplanted to the PNW Posts: 1,246 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,552 Thanked 2,476 Times in 706 Posts Rep Power: 14753261	I, too, cut ties. I am not friends with exes. They are exes for a reason... On the other hand, I don't fuck my friends... Some things, at least to me, are pretty black and white. Are Jess and I best friends? Of course. Would I miss that if our relationship was over? Yes. Absolutely. Would I want to be "friends" and watch Hym move on with Hys life and vice versa? Fuck no. Given all of that is hypothetical, if it were an actuality, I might feel differently. We both work hard every day to ensure we aren't faced with the situation. All that aside, I am sorry that you miss your friend. I am sorry that your furbaby misses her and the sibling furbaby.

12-22-2009, 12:45 PM	#9
RNguy Member How Do You Identify?: trans Preferred Pronoun?: He preferredably :) Relationship Status: the pitbull <€ Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Birmingham, Alabama Posts: 1,058 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,473 Thanked 2,267 Times in 510 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	hmmmmm This is an interesting topic. An ex of mine ( we were together 4 years ) ( we have been broken up for 8 years ) anyways, she recently requested me as a friend on facebook. I have heard over the years, that she wished we were still together. The breakup wasn't very nice to go through at all. It's been so long, that I accepted her friendship. I think that overtime you can be friends with an ex, but honestly I have never been in any relationship where it ended in a mutual agreement. It was always a one sided deal and the other was upset about it. I'd prefer probably to cut ties and leave it alone, with no contact. Now, if I saw an ex broken down on the road, whether we were friends or not, I would still stop and help her . Very interesting topic and views here. -RNguy

12-22-2009, 09:44 AM	#14
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Personally, I think it is ok to be friends. Life is too short. There are some people who leave a mark on your heart, and some who you can't even remember their name. If this person left that much of an imprint, then work on the friendship. If you get sick, it is your friends who will take care of you. I am very good friends with all of my ex's. Each one played a role in my life. And they all know each other, with the exception of one gal. But then again, she is another story all together.

12-22-2009, 11:39 AM	#15
Bit Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Stonefemme Relationship Status: married to Gryph Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Wichita, KS Posts: 2,177 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,126 Thanked 3,772 Times in 1,264 Posts Rep Power: 10778869	Me personally, I think it would be better just to get another dog so your furbaby won't be so lonesome... but then you already know that. cheeky, cheeky grin Okay, seriously... I've always wanted to be the kind of person who stayed friends with her exes, but it hasn't worked out that way. Even the one ex I stayed on very friendly terms with eventually fell out of my life... or maybe I fell out of hers, who knows? We drifted apart, anyhow. And my more recent exes, the pain has been too strong for me to let them stay in my life. I also have this ironclad rule: if I was used or abused in the relationship, there is no friendship ever. It wouldn't be healthy for me to put myself back into that situation.

12-26-2009, 11:47 PM	#16
FeminineAllure Member How Do You Identify?: Female Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: My rainbow is way overdue Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: PA Posts: 1,145 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,659 Thanked 2,026 Times in 555 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	The only one I have remained friendly with is my ex husband. We were only married for 4 years and there have been gaps in our contact. But we have been friends a total of 17 years now. I believe because we were friends first before we dated. __________________ Remember anyone can love you when the sun is shining...In the storm is where you learn who truly cares for you

12-26-2009, 10:08 PM	#18
NotAnAverageGuy Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Trans Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 1,723 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 109 Thanked 282 Times in 178 Posts Rep Power: 0	Some people have a love/hate relationship with their ex's, one day you hate em, one day you love them to death. I personally have a love/hate/money/friendship relationship with my ex. But it wasn't always that way, once we split up some things were said and after a few months we stopped talking all together, till one day I get a PM from her on yahoo messenger telling me she was pregnant and slowly she saw that I wasn't gonna fuck her over like everyone else did. Ever since than we talk just about every day, I visit often and her son is my nephew and I am basically part of the family. Remember not ALL things turn out this way.

12-22-2009, 01:00 PM	#19
bigbutchmistie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Since You Need A Label. Butch Relationship Status: Still Dreaming Of My Happily Ever After Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Arlington Texas Posts: 4,009 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,950 Thanked 5,364 Times in 1,941 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I am friends with two of my exes. One is my very first gf from years ago. She and I are passing friends. My last ex and I are friends. I'm even friends with her now fiancee. We had dogs together and I got one and she got one. I have to say its all about what each party feels. For me I am friends with these two because we didn't break up for crazy reasons. Like cheating etc. We just realized we would be better off friends. It. Was a mutual break up. Not syaing there wasn't hurt. There was. But both experiences have taught me a lot about who I am and what I want and need in a partner.

12-22-2009, 01:18 PM	#20
Legendryder Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Queen City, MO Posts: 420 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 14 Thanked 969 Times in 261 Posts Rep Power: 7270130	The only advice I can give, is back WAAAYYYYY off. Find a dog park, socialize with people there. Get some contacts from the dog park for doggie play dates, and get on with your life. Maybe, just maybe, in the future you may become friends. But right now, there seems to be too much "stuff" there.