Spouses/Partners of Transmen and transwomen...

Mrs Arcstriker · 09-01-2012, 07:48 PM

I know I am not the only wife of a transgendered husband, and I am sure there are other transgendered couples here in the world that started out as lesbian identified...

To my transgender-loving couples, how do you fit in?

Spirit Dancer · 09-01-2012, 07:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs Arcstriker

I know I am not the only wife of a transgendered husband, and I am sure there are other transgendered couples here in the world that started out as lesbian identified...

To my transgender-loving couples, how do you fit in?

Hi Mrs. Arcstriker
Great Thread Idea
Will compose my thoughts and return a bit later.

Mrs Arcstriker · 09-01-2012, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spirit Dancer

Hi Mrs. Arcstriker
Great Thread Idea
Will compose my thoughts and return a bit later.

Thank you!

Spirit Dancer · 09-01-2012, 08:16 PM

First off i want to say i'm speaking from my place and space,
it's often hard to fit in and at times very fustrating however it's a path
that we each embraced and it fits us.
Many times my partner will pass in public and
there are times not so much.
We do find socializing difficult at times, and other couples like us are few and far in between.
There are currently other factors that keep the socialization on hold.
It would seem when we are around other couples who are not TG
their curiosity and questions seem to pour forth
such as if you're queer or lesbian why are you with a Trans, TG or FTM.
Believe me even when you try to explain they sigh and some will say you just need to be with a bio male, Really???
It's exasperating at best.

julieisafemme · 09-01-2012, 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs Arcstriker

I know I am not the only wife of a transgendered husband, and I am sure there are other transgendered couples here in the world that started out as lesbian identified...

To my transgender-loving couples, how do you fit in?

I am engaged to a transman. I am still "lesbian identified". My partner does not define my sexuality. He is out as a transman and we live as a queer couple. Sometimes he "passes"'and sometimes he does not. He is a butch and I am a femme. Those are our primary IDs if you will. Sometimes we don't feel part of either the queer or trans community. We are not straight. I have read and had many discussions about that I need to change my sexual orientation to honor my partners gender. I have been told that I am transphobic because I am a lesbian. I'm pretty worn out trying to explain myself.

We fit in with all kinds of people. I have a long heterosexual world history and my partner has lived in the queer community since he was a baby butch. Right now we are both happy to know and love people who represent all sexualities and genders.

How do you fit in?

Blue_Daddy-O · 09-01-2012, 08:09 PM

Great thread Mrs. Arcstriker and welcome to the Planet!

aishah · 09-01-2012, 08:17 PM

it seems like all the recent (well, since i've been a member) threads on this topic have stayed pretty quiet, so i'm glad you started this one!

one of my partners is trans and butch. he's primarily attracted to queer femmes. i identify as a queer femme and have since before we met. we've never been "lesbian-identified" as a couple...he identified as a lesbian earlier on in life, i never have, and he was at the beginning of his transition when we first got together. he is still pretty early on as far as medical transition goes, having had to stop and start hormones and not having access to top surgery. we both are pretty involved in queer communities and have friends of all sexualities and genders as well. i would say, like julie, that "butch/femme" is probably the most accurate descriptor of the dynamics of our relationship

at least as we see it.

julieisafemme · 09-01-2012, 08:29 PM

I should add that we live in the Bay Area. There are lot of queers here of all types. That is wonderful and we are blessed to be here. There are two organizations where we have felt fully embraced and loved. One is Butch Voices and the other is Brown Boi. We have attended conferences and events for both of these organizations and really felt at home, loved and embraced. That is a wonderful thing!

I came out as a lesbian and left my whole heterosexual life 5 years ago. I met my partner at a Butch Femme Social dance. That was it for me! It did not matter that he was a transman. My heterosexual world community could handle that I am a lesbian but partnered with a transman!? Too much for people to handle. Oh the the craziness that ensued!

At this point I don't care if other people don't understand me. I am so happy being out and that I have found my partner. Life is good and I am very happy to be here and that there are spaces where we can be ourselves and share that happiness!

Mrs Arcstriker · 09-01-2012, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

I should add that we live in the Bay Area. There are lot of queers here of all types. That is wonderful and we are blessed to be here. There are two organizations where we have felt fully embraced and loved. One is Butch Voices and the other is Brown Boi. We have attended conferences and events for both of these organizations and really felt at home, loved and embraced. That is a wonderful thing!

I came out as a lesbian and left my whole heterosexual life 5 years ago. I met my partner at a Butch Femme Social dance. That was it for me! It did not matter that he was a transman. My heterosexual world community could handle that I am a lesbian but partnered with a transman!? Too much for people to handle. Oh the the craziness that ensued!

At this point I don't care if other people don't understand me. I am so happy being out and that I have found my partner. Life is good and I am very happy to be here and that there are spaces where we can be ourselves and share that happiness!

Our world is a bit different Julieisafemme...(Can I call you Julie?)

We live in a conservative part of New England so our experience is totally different...oh, and we are old as crap (Arc's 51 and I am pushing 46...) I totally agree with what you say, regarding not caring if people don't understand you. I am just happy to be who we are, and it is obvious that you and your partner are happy with who you are too...

As for the spaces where you can be yourselves, I have to ask, where do you find them? So far we don't have a place of acceptance and that is problematic sometimes.

Mrs Arcstriker · 09-01-2012, 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

I am engaged to a transman. I am still "lesbian identified". My partner does not define my sexuality. He is out as a transman and we live as a queer couple. Sometimes he "passes"'and sometimes he does not. He is a butch and I am a femme. Those are our primary IDs if you will. Sometimes we don't feel part of either the queer or trans community. We are not straight. I have read and had many discussions about that I need to change my sexual orientation to honor my partners gender. I have been told that I am transphobic because I am a lesbian. I'm pretty worn out trying to explain myself.

We fit in with all kinds of people. I have a long heterosexual world history and my partner has lived in the queer community since he was a baby butch. Right now we are both happy to know and love people who represent all sexualities and genders.

How do you fit in?

Thank you so much for posting this! I think this is a really long discussion, and what I know in my 46 years on this earth is that there is no easy answer to who we are.

I know that I for one was straight until I came out as a lesbian, and then I lived the lesbian life for years and I realized that didn't fit me anymore than straight life fit me...My life didn't make sense until I met my husband 8 years ago...

All this said, I went from straight wife, single lesbian, to married trans-wife over the course of about 13 years...

In most facets of my life I haven't fit anywhere, but recently in my life as the wife of a TG spouse I am getting closer to normal.

You say you are lesbian Identified, and I totally understand this. The hardest part of becoming me was crossing heterosexuality, to my lesbian identity, and then to becoming the wife of a trans-man.

I feel like all my life I've been trying to become me, and in this last phase (and this IS the last phase) I have struggled to be "normal"...

Beloved · 09-04-2012, 08:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs Arcstriker

I know I am not the only wife of a transgendered husband, and I am sure there are other transgendered couples here in the world that started out as lesbian identified...

To my transgender-loving couples, how do you fit in?

Interesting topic. I am in a relationship with a transman (a relatively new relationship, we started talking in June). I have an ex that transitioned after we split but this whole thing is new to me.

The man I am dating was never butch. In fact, he was never really even queer except for a couple of months early in the transition. He thought he was a gay man because he was attracted to men before he transitioned (and he lived as a very feminine female). His orientation changed while taking T. From what I have heard this is sort of common in either direction.

Basically he went from being a heterosexual female to being a heterosexual male, with the exception of a few months.

Where do we fit in? Fuck if I know. I know I am queer. He feels that by just being trans there is something queer about that as well. I guess I don't really think about where we fit in very much except when I come to this site. We have our friends that we have had since before we got together and none of them seem to care and just want both of us to be happy. It doesn't bother either of us if people think we are a heterosexual couple, and I think to him we are but maybe with a bit of a twist. I don't get too concerned how other people perceive my relationship. All I know is it's making me extremely happy.

09-01-2012, 07:48 PM	#1
Mrs Arcstriker Timed Out How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: her, she...female ones... Relationship Status: married to Arcstriker Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: CT Posts: 143 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 37 Thanked 407 Times in 100 Posts Rep Power: 0	Spouses/Partners of Transmen and transwomen... I know I am not the only wife of a transgendered husband, and I am sure there are other transgendered couples here in the world that started out as lesbian identified... To my transgender-loving couples, how do you fit in?

09-01-2012, 08:16 PM	#4
Spirit Dancer Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Complex but Tender Preferred Pronoun?: ~Ma`am~ Relationship Status: Shotgun Rider Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Following the red road Posts: 4,519 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,304 Thanked 12,913 Times in 3,466 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	First off i want to say i'm speaking from my place and space, it's often hard to fit in and at times very fustrating however it's a path that we each embraced and it fits us. Many times my partner will pass in public and there are times not so much. We do find socializing difficult at times, and other couples like us are few and far in between. There are currently other factors that keep the socialization on hold. It would seem when we are around other couples who are not TG their curiosity and questions seem to pour forth such as if you're queer or lesbian why are you with a Trans, TG or FTM. Believe me even when you try to explain they sigh and some will say you just need to be with a bio male, Really??? It's exasperating at best. __________________ “For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” Judy Garland

09-01-2012, 08:29 PM	#8
julieisafemme Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Woman Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Married to Greyson Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In the present Posts: 828 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,156 Thanked 3,434 Times in 660 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I should add that we live in the Bay Area. There are lot of queers here of all types. That is wonderful and we are blessed to be here. There are two organizations where we have felt fully embraced and loved. One is Butch Voices and the other is Brown Boi. We have attended conferences and events for both of these organizations and really felt at home, loved and embraced. That is a wonderful thing! I came out as a lesbian and left my whole heterosexual life 5 years ago. I met my partner at a Butch Femme Social dance. That was it for me! It did not matter that he was a transman. My heterosexual world community could handle that I am a lesbian but partnered with a transman!? Too much for people to handle. Oh the the craziness that ensued! At this point I don't care if other people don't understand me. I am so happy being out and that I have found my partner. Life is good and I am very happy to be here and that there are spaces where we can be ourselves and share that happiness! Last edited by julieisafemme; 09-01-2012 at 08:32 PM.

09-01-2012, 08:09 PM	#6
Blue_Daddy-O Member How Do You Identify?: Retro Daddy, Male-Identified Preferred Pronoun?: He Him Sir Mister Husband Dom Master Relationship Status: Single and ready for a garden party Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Portland, Oregon Posts: 411 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 222 Thanked 652 Times in 226 Posts Rep Power: 5877932	Great thread Mrs. Arcstriker and welcome to the Planet!

09-01-2012, 08:17 PM	#7
aishah Member How Do You Identify?: queer stone femme shark baby girl Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, little one Relationship Status: dating myself. Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: dallas, tx Posts: 1,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,823 Thanked 6,442 Times in 1,288 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	it seems like all the recent (well, since i've been a member) threads on this topic have stayed pretty quiet, so i'm glad you started this one! one of my partners is trans and butch. he's primarily attracted to queer femmes. i identify as a queer femme and have since before we met. we've never been "lesbian-identified" as a couple...he identified as a lesbian earlier on in life, i never have, and he was at the beginning of his transition when we first got together. he is still pretty early on as far as medical transition goes, having had to stop and start hormones and not having access to top surgery. we both are pretty involved in queer communities and have friends of all sexualities and genders as well. i would say, like julie, that "butch/femme" is probably the most accurate descriptor of the dynamics of our relationship at least as we see it.