Talking to family

[Red Dirt Girl]

Hi all. I originally posted this is the Top Surgery thread but didn't get any responses so I'm moving it here. Again, please let me know if I should post it somewhere else.

My partner is trans and is having surgery in April. I’ve been trying to come up with effective language to share this news with my family. Terms like “top surgery” and "T" and “trans” are not in my mother’s vocabulary so I don’t think “Hey Mom, partner’s having top surgery” is going to work. This conversation will also encompass a “Hey Mom, partner’s trans” component. I am not apologetic, but I am trying to be sensitive. I’m anticipating this conversation to be at the very least moderately uncomfortable and more likely quite uncomfortable and painful. (This doesn't account for coming out to neighbors, family friends, extended family, etc., which will almost definitely be much more that moderately uncomfortable.). My sister is very likely to be supportive or lovingly indifferent. One friend suggests telling sis and having sis tell mom!

Regarding surgery, I feel like the words “double mastectomy” are so loaded and cancer-implying that I’m hesitant to use them. “Boobectomy”, partner’s occasional description of upcoming procedure also seems not quite right. My mom does has some awareness of the non-traditional nature of our relationship (I refer to my partner as my lesbian husband) and my understanding of gender/gender expression as a non-linear experience (not in such enlightened, currently PC, self-aware terms, but in concept. ) I made her read Well of Loneliness and she kind of seemed to “get it” – whatever that means. Regardless, I’m still floating around in my head with all this.

So, carefully-crafted sentences aside, how do I tell my mom my partner’s trans? I am planning to do this in writing – partly for my own comfort level, partly to allow the info to settle in without me sitting right there next to my mom nervously awaiting love and understanding or rejection and grossed outness (or any combination in between). I’m interested in feedback from anyone willing to share – trans folks, partners of trans folks, butch, femme, TG butch, gender-nonspecific, queer, other, etc… How did you tell the people who matter to you? How do you feel about the approach you took? How did it go? Did it go as you expected? Better? Worse? Anything you’d do differently? I know every situation is different. I'm not looking for an indisputable formula, just thoughts and insights based on your particular experiences.

Thank you so much in advance for any replies! If you are more comfortable PMing me, please feel free.

[Nadeest]

First off, how does your partner want to handle it? With all due respect, you really have to find out his wishes. I know that it is YOUR family, but .... is it truly fair to out someone without their permission?

That being said, I am presuming that you and he have talked, and he is leaving the matter in your capable hands. Since you do have time, you might want to just casually start using 'he' vice 'she', when referring to him in conversation with your family. Sooner or later, they are going to get curious and ask about that, I suspect.

I think that it helps to keep explanations simple, at least at first. Basically, that he was born in the wrong body, and he is working to fix the problem, as best as he can [male mind and gender identity, but female body ] . I tend to use the reasoning that mad scientists have avoiding doing brain transplants, ever since Dr. Frankenstein got into so much trouble for it, so I am remodeling my body to make it more comfortable for me to live in. :P If they ask any questions, you can start making more elaborate explanations then.

When I came out, I told my youngest brother via email, as we lived so far apart. I told my parents via letter, after their trailer was safely snowed in, so they could not come up from Florida ( I was living in Michigan, at the time.), and start screaming at me. That way, if they started yelling at me over the phone, I could simply hang up, and unplug the phone. Actually, that first phone call went fairly well, and they didn't come up to Michigan that next summer, due to medical issues.

Overall, my coming out went fairly smoothly. Mind you, the next time that my dad saw me in person, he told me that I was going to die of AIDS, but, that is the way that he thought, too. He didn't understand, at all, as he was a very material person, the kind that thought that a tree was a tree, and not also a collection of molecules, with lots of empty space inbetween.

My mom was more understanding, and accepts me fully. So far, the rest of my family is pretty much a tossup, looks like. I don't talk to them much, and we don't live in the same area, so I don't have to deal with them.

[Red Dirt Girl]

Hi Nadeest,

Thanks for your post. I really love how you refer to remodeling your body to make it more comfortable to live in. It's so honest and can serve as a gentle opening to bigger conversations, if and when we want to have them. I’m also planning on writing to my family. I will probably email my mom and sis at the same time, so they can talk to each other if they want. I think my fear/anticipation of potential reactions is greater than the reality will ever be.

I appreciate your concern regarding my partner’s preference on how we handle this. We have most definitely talked about it! No outing without permission going on here!

Thanks again for sharing part of your story with me. I'm glad you have the full support and love of your mom.

[SleepyButch]

Hi there! I know this is a scary situation. I think most of us here have had to come out in one form or another to someone we loved not knowing how they would handle it.

For me, my sister tells my mom everything. She told her I was queer way back when and the most recent thing was that I am in a polyamorous relationship. That went over really well. Let me say that I did not ask my sister to tell her anything!

If you are going to write an e-mail to you mom, just be honest about how your partner feels about himself and why he is making this change. Not sure if she's ever heard of Chaz Bono but I think if it were me, I'd tell my mom something like, he is just like Chaz. My mom would know who Chaz is lol.
Not sure she would accept it regardless but at least she would know what I was talking about.

You could refer to it as "top surgery" which is like a mastectomy in women with breast cancer. The surgery may be the same but it's for totally different reasons.

Anyway, I'm not an expert by any means. I just think honesty really is the best policy. It makes things a lot less confusing in my opinion. Doesn't mean I'm right but doesn't mean I'm wrong either.

Best of luck to you and yours!

[Ginger]

Hi, Red.

If there's an LGBT center in your area where you feel comfortable, I would start by making an appointment with a counselor who can advise you and your partner on how to start this process.

I would also make a plan to see that person regularly, so you can check in with someone who has a sense of your context and recent history, to help you grounded as you navigate through what might be an unpredictable and volatile situation.

Your instinct to reach out for advice is really healthy. I hope you find a competent, compassionate and knowledgeable person to help you make the right choices about how to communicate all this to your family and loved ones.

Ginger

[Red Dirt Girl]

Hi Sleepy and Ginger. Thanks so much for your suggestions and support! We do have supportive folks to talk about this with, which is great. I've started to relax about the whole thing too. My family will not reject us. We are loved. It might be awkward and uncomfortable, but it not be a relationship-ending event.

We are going with a simple, honest, underwhelming reveal (email, probably this weekend). Give them the basics and let them go where they feel most comfortable, at the rate that works best for them. We will be as open with them as we can/want to. But I'm beginning to realize (what might be obvious to everyone else), that I/we set the tone for the reaction.

Thanks again for all the ideas. Changing body in order to make it more comfortable to live in - that's just indisputable! Who can argue with that?

I hope you all have a great night!