Being B/F and Under 30

[EnderD_503]

Hey, just making this thread for us under 30 folks to post and talk about how we relate to the dynamic vs. how the mainstream lgbtq community sees our community.

Personally, I still get a lot of mainstream lesbians and gays in particular talking as though the B/F community was strictly a result of the social climate of the early to mid 20th century, and that we pretty much don't/shouldn't exist anymore because of some misnomers on what it means to be butch or femme. There's also this mentality still around that where the community still exists, it is set on upholding the rigid understandings of gender that were present in the mid 20th century. That butch and femme just stop there as a kind of "moment in time."

Butch and femme have come to mean completely different things for the mainstream community than they mean in the B/F community itself today, so I'm interested in hearing how you guys deal with a lot of those beliefs still lingering around out there, trying to dispel those beliefs people might have about your identity and making yourself visible as a twenty-something member of the BF community.

[genghisfawn]

I think there's a lot of flack to be had with some of the postmods I know (and I say some because I mean only some!) who would rather see B-F disappear because of its apparent heteronormativity as opposed to embracing its role in diversity. The trouble with disdaining an identity and way of relating to one another (which isn't illegal, harmful or ill-advised) is that it closes the door on education and opens it to the wilderness of propaganda and (horror!) people's "humble opinions" on what they don't really know.

There is a lot of butch-butch and label-free identification where I am because it's a small community and queer/radical visibility is seen as important and necessary in a smaller area. Not being visibly queer as a single femme, I especially feel a double-edged sword in my neighbourhood. It's hard being "the straight girl... is she straight?" at the bar

[AlexHunter]

Here, here. Hi!

I have noticed the prevalence of B/F is also a regional thing. In parts of the southern US, it seems more common than in major metropolitan areas. One could say that is because the south is more "traditional" and "old fashioned." *Shrugs*

In DC, where I've spent a majority of my time living, B/F is a highly divided subject. There are plenty of young queers who shamelessly seek that sort of dynamic and just as many who reject it, bash it, or simply don't understand why. I am personally genderqueer and more on the male-identified end of the spectrum, so it's a little harder for me to defend the "mimicry of straight people" argument than someone who is strictly woman-identified. I DO want to "be the man." I want a pretty girl on my arm and I want to treat her like a gentleman treats his lady.

There are certainly a lot of misconceptions on what butch and femme mean within the mainstream community. I have heard, "I'm not into butch, but I like you!" I have met people who I would consider butch or femme but don't identify as such and would be very offended if someone stuck a label on them. I've had people tell me I'm not butch because I'm not "big and scary" or because I'm "more like a guy than a butch lesbian." I've also had people ask me why I have decided to be "so closed minded" by only dating femmes.

I dislike how "butch" is somewhat of a dirty word in certain lesbian circles when it's part of the history that paved the way for them to openly be who they are.

[Princess]

Just thought this particular thread should be resurrected, there must be more of us out there under 30!

[tara_kerrie]

Originally Posted by Princess

Just thought this particular thread should be resurrected, there must be more of us out there under 30!

I dont think that there are very many of us on the planet that are under 30.
I am 29

[BoSoxBoi]

I'm almost 27..

[odd_boi_out]

Hello other younger folks! I'm 24.

[Asari]

Originally Posted by Kerrie

I dont think that there are very many of us on the planet that are under 30.

I'm afraid that's true... I don't know if the B/F community in Germany is different from the american one, but it seems like most of "us" are even over 40.
And not interested in a youngling (I'm 22).

[Venus]

This is an older threat but I still wanted to say HI to everybody. I just turned 29

[D Phryxus]

I do think there are differences in our younger community and love that there's a thread for it.

I'm a 25 femme and happy to be here ^_^

[Butcher]

This thread is old but I think its important for young b/f folks to band together since the dynamic is not nearly as present in our age group. In general, androgyny has taken hold as the new queer style and dichotomies regarding gender or sexuality are often criticized as restricting. Have other folks experienced this mindset? As a young butch or femme, how do you feel about it? To each their own, always, but for me I need polarity in a relationship and b/f is what I crave.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I think that rather depends on your local area.
Where I live, for example, genderqueer (meaning, all the masculine identities, not just butch)/femme is very common in the under 35 group.
When I go out to a genderqueer event, like Man Up (drag King night) it is jammed with people between 19-35. However, at 45, I look like someone's mom and am usually the oldest one there.

Seattle seems to be thronging with it too. London was fantastic.

But some places there just isn't. It was one of the main reasons I traveled so much when I was younger. Vancouver had Very, very few under 35, 15 years ago and I had to go afield to places it was common. But I've come home and now the under 35 scene of genderqueer/femme is pretty hopping. But not online. It's one of those things you have to go out for here. Vancouver queer doesn't tend to do much via the net.

So don't wilt yet there are areas where it's rather common/popular.

[randrum]

I just came across this thread. It would be nice to get some other perspective.

I'm 28. And just sort of finding my own way as butch in the world. Around me, with my friends, it's not accepted well. Like it makes me less or something. I remember when I was first coming out, it wasn't even a thought I'd entertain because of how people I knew reacted to those that identified as butch.

I needed space and to get away from their narrow view of the lgbt community to realize that there are different avenues I could explore.

As for the B/F dynamic in relationships, well I can't comment so much on that. Honestly, I struggle to just meet open minded people around my age.

[cutiefemme]

I have lots and lots of lesbian friends my age, but they are all feminine girls who like each other. I told them I LOVE butches but they couldn't find butches for me because they don't know them. I know there are lots of butches here (including my age) but they just mostly hang out in their own groups. It's an important identity to me because I've tried dating femmes but it was pretty awkward and I just am much more attracted to and compatible with butches.

[Wintermoon]

I am not under 30. However, when I was under 30 I never saw another butch at all until I was well into my 30s. To find a butch or butch looking person I had to go to a bar. In my mind the internet has opened up way more possibilities to meet that butch someone. It is unfortunate but.... I was not ** butch** when I was a teen because I looked butch.. I was a guy from birth who got stuck with Zero help , input or information about how to be myself. I had to fight right out of the land of toddling to say I am NOT wearing that... I am NOT going to some ladies tea... I am NOT putting down this football..! I am positive that there are butches out there in the younger demographic who are just being them..... the huge difference... is that nowadays there's so much andro clothing compared to the old days that one chooses andro .... naturally and doesn't go full on butch/male clothing because they naturally are feeling in their safe butch place without making a huge effort to fight to be **** not in a dresssssss****. Having said that I feel badly for the young TG who hasn't found hys way and is floundering in andro-land. I hope you find that butch ... and help them be the one they want to be. Who knows.... they very well may be in drag and that andro or femme u meet might realize... who they are with your help.

[bright_arrow]

I'm sure I've posted in here before but it's been a while. Still under thirty :-) I've not had any friends in my age range since high school and it's something I've grudgingly accepted.

Now that I'm in the Bay area though, and around a bigger lgbtq community, I want to try and remedy that. :-)