Too screwed up to be Loved?

[CharmingButch25]

So I have been doing a lot of thinking today and well for the past few days.
Does anyone else belive that they are too f*cked up to be loved?
Or have way to many demons within themselves to let anyone in?
Ive been dating since I was 11 years old and yet every relationship ends the same, No one wants to actually give me a chance and see what can really happen because Yes I am f*cked up and I have issues, BUT doesnt anyone?
I dunno maybe its a stupid question I just wonder if anyone else feels the same? Or is it just me
I mean I know what Im looking for and it doesnt seem unresonable
So it brings me to the conclusion maybe I have too many demons to be loved or cared for...

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by CharmingButch25

So I have been doing a lot of thinking today and well for the past few days.
Does anyone else belive that they are too f*cked up to be loved?
Or have way to many demons within themselves to let anyone in?
Ive been dating since I was 11 years old and yet every relationship ends the same, No one wants to actually give me a chance and see what can really happen because Yes I am f*cked up and I have issues, BUT doesnt anyone?
I dunno maybe its a stupid question I just wonder if anyone else feels the same? Or is it just me
I mean I know what Im looking for and it doesnt seem unresonable
So it brings me to the conclusion maybe I have too many demons to be loved or cared for...

I think everyone is capable of loving or being loved. That doesn't mean they are capable of being in a long-term, healthy relationship. Work on your issues, or don't. It's up to you. But if you have so much baggage that all your relationships end up the same, then obviously you have work to do. Everyone is responsible for their own shit, and we can't expect people to put up with endless amounts of baggage.

[TimilDeeps]

Originally Posted by QueenofSmirks

I think everyone is capable of loving or being loved. That doesn't mean they are capable of being in a long-term, healthy relationship. Work on your issues, or don't. It's up to you. But if you have so much baggage that all your relationships end up the same, then obviously you have work to do. Everyone is responsible for their own shit, and we can't expect people to put up with endless amounts of baggage.

ok, is what I was going to say so I won't be redundant, but yeah, what she said.

[CharmingButch25]

Yes very good point. I dont expect anyone to put up with endless issues and I work on my stuff daily. A lot is issues from childhood that I got thrown into therapy since I was 7 and im still working on them. Im capable of loving very capable just not sure of being loved

[Electrocell]

Are you friends with any of your exes? Maybe you could ask them what they didn't like about you. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to look in the mirror . Is it something I'm doing wrong or is it I'm getting with someone just for the companionship ? Just because you feel an attraction towards someone doesn't mean the two of you are good for each other. Been there done that. If they will point out to me where I am wrong about something in a nice way, I will go back and examine myself just to see if they are wrong or if I really do need to work or improve myself in that way. If I need to improve myself I really try too ----not always easy . We as humans hate having our bad habits pointed out to us. Just have to work on it. Good luck.

[CharmingButch25]

That's a very good idea thank you. I've asked a couple exes and they say my abandonment issues is what ruins things. I've been working on it for years I've switched therapist and im front with each person. They say they can handle it but everyone leaves or gives up. Im at a loss and just wondering if anyone else feels the same way

[Electrocell]

Originally Posted by CharmingButch25

That's a very good idea thank you. I've asked a couple exes and they say my abandonment issues is what ruins things. I've been working on it for years I've switched therapist and im front with each person. They say they can handle it but everyone leaves or gives up. Im at a loss and just wondering if anyone else feels the same way

So what you are saying is you are clingy? Guess trust comes into this also?

[The_Lady_Snow]

We all have issues some of us know how to keep them neatly in the overhead compartment area. If you're failing in the relationship area perhaps a long relationship break and work on your issues OR just casually date till your shit straightened up. Good luck finding what's going to be best for you.!

[BullDog]

I would start with getting rid of "Tired Of users and Liars" in your Relationship Status. That is negative thinking and won't help put you in a good space or attract a positive, healthy person into your life.

If I felt fucked up in some way, I personally would take a break and work on myself. The more healthy and confident you feel, the more likely you will attractive healthy, positive people into your life.

[Angeltoes]

My issues are so far beyond the norm that nobody is even going to attempt to have a real relationship with me. It makes sense because people have their own problems, everyone wants to be happy and yet everything about me spells trouble. I would like to fix my life, but there's no possible way to do so right now. So I hang back and live in my head and dream about the future, but I won't try to get involved with anyone because it won't work out. I just don't think I can handle anymore disappointment and heartbreak right now.

Ah well...

[*Anya*]

I agree with Q of S.

We all have baggage. The question is: are you willing to unpack that baggage, take it out, examine it and work with a therapist to deal with it?

Sometimes, our childhoods have damaged us terribly. In order to heal, we have to deal with the pain and the scars. The damage can never be undone but once we understand what was done to us and how it impacts our adult relationships, we can work as best as we can to not let us affect us in the here and now.

Therapy works if you are committed and accept that you have things that need changing.

I was terrified I would be an abusive parent when I had my first baby. I did not want to do to my girls what was done to me. I got my butt in therapy and stayed until I knew I would not repeat my parents behavior.

I am also clear as to how my childhood has impacted my adult relationships. Periodically I get back in to deal once again with those pesky scars.

Do I believe that we all are capable of love and deserving of love? I would say absolutely, with one caveat. That being, a sociopath but that is not what we are talking about here.

Therapy and counseling work if you let it and if you truly want to have loving relationships.

If you don't, it won't and the same patterns of behavior will continue or you could chose to give up on relationships but it does not sound to me like you really want to do that either.

[CharmingButch25]

Thank you everyone for your feedback I appreciate it and will give some thoughts to your words.

[Novelafemme]

Just keep working on yourself, CharmingButch25. The more work you do, the more you'll have to offer when that special someone enters your life. But remember to do your work with your best interest in mind; not so you'll be perfect for someone else. That mentality will serve no other purpose then to backfire in your face.

And if you are only 25 then you have a lot of time. Or you could wait until your Saturn Return when your shit inevitably hits the fan whether you like it or not.

[Tcountry]

Somtimes it just takes a changing the way you think...Attitude
They didn't leave or give up ..they got right in there & gave it a fair shot. Sometimes things just don't match up.
What's meant to b will b & everything happens for a reason
Just make sure YOU are putting in the effort to be the best you that YOU can be.
The rest will stack up when it is time

*tip hat*

[Heavenleahangel]

Awww, {{{Charming}}}; Don't be so down on yourself. I think this is a very courageous question you are posting and for you to be asking for opinions/help. There are some very good responses here and while I was only a counselor for 6 years, I will say this: Don't give up! No one is perfect and while we all have our lil idiocyncrises (spelling?) we are all worthy of being loved.
I have always heard the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different outcomes. While no two potential partners are exactly the same and what works for one doesn't work for others, I feel the the key is communication and the willingness to be accountable for your own actions mixed with your own desire to allow yourself to be loved. Im sure there are many of us here (myself included) that won't mind lending an ear to allow you to vent and figure how to align your heart and mind.

[CharmingButch25]

Thank you very much for everyone that has responed, Yes i have been commited to therapy, it has helped with some issues and problems, but when it comes to abandonment it seems as if I cant kick that one in the ass, Ive worked thru the trust issues,and the jealousy issues, its just the abandonement issues. I have thrown everything I have into relationships, I give everyone the benifit of the doubt, and maybe your right about not seeing it as they gave up and left,maybe most of them did try their best,

[CharmingButch25]

I think a lot of my issues stem from family also, no one can really handle them, but its family I cant exactly walk away from that, Ive had a string of bad relationships,but I am trying to work on myself right now so that when someone comes along I can offer them my full self, My therapist seems to think I need to walk away from my family but I cant

[Soon]

Originally Posted by CharmingButch25

I think a lot of my issues stem from family also, no one can really handle them, but its family I cant exactly walk away from that, Ive had a string of bad relationships,but I am trying to work on myself right now so that when someone comes along I can offer them my full self, My therapist seems to think I need to walk away from my family but I cant

I know a couple people who have walked away from their damaging families, and their lives improved immeasurably.

As for myself, I have gone for extended periods of no contact with a family member, as they were certainly adding to my mental distress (and I am sure I was theirs as well).

There is nothing wrong with looking at these options to begin healing yourself and helping you forge a healthy future with a chance for a healthy relationship.

Best to you.

p.s. That is great that you are in therapy. It is so hard to begin the process, but it's worth it when you find someone you feel comfortable with and are able to see/feel progress on those issues that most of us struggle to address.

[princessbelle]

You have been given some great advice here. I feel for you. I hear your pain and know what it is like to just want someone to love you for who you are.

Many of us have been there, whether we have "issues" or not, and it's painful.

Let me ask you a question...

What would you offer a partner? Meaning, would you give them ...love, devotion, understanding, patience, friendship, honesty, forgiveness, faith and trust? Start by giving ALL of those things to YOU. You deserve to be loved by yourself and that is the most important love there is.

I wish you peace and positive energy.

[Breathless]

Just because you were not able to see it, does not mean that you were not loved. I am certain that you have been loved very deeply, that comes naturally as people care about one another. Just because you didnt see it or feel it.. doesnt make it less true or less real. Just because someone didnt love you the way that you wanted them to, doesnt mean that they didnt love you with all that they had to give. Perhaps look at your defination of what love is?
Love yourself first Charming, let go of the negative, wake up every day BELIEVING that Today is going to be a great day, and it will be!

Exes are probably exes.. because it is EXHAUSTING constantly having to prove their love and devotion. Having to undo all the previous hurts with constant redirection and positive reinforcement, and yet feeling like they have made no head way, when the feeling is constantly no one loves me, no one has ever loved me.

I may be way off base, but that is my 2 cents. Love yourself first!