Personal Transformation in Widowhood/Widowerhood

[SoberBoi]

Lesbian Widows/Widowers,

I was in a relationship of almost 20 years that ended when my partner died in late 2008. Entering the relationship in 1989, few people raised their eyebrows when cloning was the fashion and two soft butches were together. Now, it seems like I am Rip Van Winkle rising from a long nap.... my closest friend and confidante and partner in adventure has been ripped from me and our social dynamics have changed.

I have changed. I now feel out of sync. I look like a boi, but am not butch enough, yet I can't even fathom being femme and cringe at the words "woman" and "lady". I am not transgendered, just trans-identified...I don't know how to identify. I like to date soft butches that are "butch-er" than I am, yet not bdsm or role-playing or "men"... I don't know if this is making any sense... I feel like Will from "Will and Grace"...

Bereavement is a hard enough place to be in. I detest people who ask details of where, when, how she died...like they enjoy making me relive a painful time. I now refuse to answer the rubberneckers.

Tell me how your emotional and social and gender identities have changed.... One day, you are a "We" and the next day, you are a .... what ... a "Me"....???

Thank you for sharing your grief and transformation...please, no rubbernecking questions, just honest sharing of feelings and thoughts about the transformation into society and personal identification...