How do I stop feeling like this?

[EnderD_503]

Originally Posted by LediskoLove99

So let me start out by saying I feel slightly like an idiot for even bringing this up, I don't know why but I feel like an idiot.

That being said, I'm kind of new to the whole LGBT world I only came out four years ago, and I haven't really had the chance to find who I am within everything. It wasn't until I met my best friend, (nearly four years ago) that I started realizing that there's more than one type of person in the community. There's different ways to express yourself, gender included. And so I haven't really had the chance to find my "look" I guess you could say. I don't consider myself butch but I certainly don't consider myself femme. I actually don't really know what I would consider myself. Except for what we (that being my best friend and I) came up with GEBP aka gender expression bi polar haha. I love mens everything, clothes, shoes, colagne, hats. But I do like to mix it up and add small feminine touches, like usualy I'll wear nail polish and eyeliner. On rare occasions cover up and mascara, on RARE occasions. And I've found in mixing those two I feel much more confident than I ever have. Especially with mens clothes, it added a confidence I never thought I could have. When I'm WEARING the clothes. I've noticed that when I'm in the mens section trying on stuff over my clothes (like over shirts) that I get really uncomfortable if people are around especially men. There has been times where a guy will come by while I'm looking at something and I end up hiding behind a clothes rack.

I don't know why I'm so uncomfortable, I love wearing the clothes I just don't like other people seeing me shopping for them. Like today while I was at the mens section in a department store a woman was walking by with her husband and she took a look at me and asked "Shopping for your bother?" And I responded with a nervous "Um....no." which earned me a look of distaste. And it didn't stop at her, a surprising amount of the men gave me looks too. I felt like I was standing there with a large, red, beeping sign surrounded in blinking lights that says "Girl who doesn't belong here! Girl who doesn't belong here!" hanging over me. My best friend looks like she belongs in the mens section she's comfortable with it, she even likes it when people look at her questioningly but it bugs me.

I know this is the point where I should say " I don't give a fuck what people think." to myself but it bugs me. Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I just being stupid?

I just don't like people staring at me like I'm from outerspace, especially where I live. It's very rare to find a woman shopping in the mens section for herself, and openly at that. It just makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Should I just give up on the mens section all together?

Hey Ledisko,

You definitely are not alone or "strange" for feeling like you do. What you're saying here actually reminds me quite a bit of what I've heard some transwomen in particular talk about when they first try to step into the women's section of a clothing store. The "looks" they get from other women, the comments, and feeling like they've got that big red flashing light planted atop their heads. Your description of hiding behind clothing racks when people come into the section sounds pretty similar to some of the stories I've heard

For myself, I can sort of relate to what you're saying here, too, but instead of with the clothing section, moreso when I first started shopping for my underwear in the guy's section after high school. While I always got my clothes in the boy's/guy's section, I never really noticed any looks from people and maybe it's because I felt I was perfectly within my rights to shop there. Maybe since I'd done so even with my mum as a kid. It probably just felt like the normal thing to do, and so I wasn't hyper aware of the people around me.

It's when I started going into the guy's underwear section that I started to notice the "pervert/freak" looks thrown my way. Or maybe it's because I was more sensitive to them at first, and there is so much stigma attached to wearing underwear that others think you shouldn't be wearing. I noticed the looks less and less as time went on, though.

That makes me think that certain people will always shoot you a look if you're doing something that doesn't fit the gendered category they put you in. Whether you notice might depend on how nervous you are in the first place, or how obvious they make themselves.

As far as your own nervousness, do you think that on some level you're seeing yourself through their eyes, and seeing yourself as though you're doing something "wrong" because you aren't doing what's supposedly "appropriate" for the gender category they plopped you into? While you don't want to care what they think, maybe you still feel some form of "shame" at being different than their expectation, or maybe you just don't want to be the on that everyone looks at with that "zomg hide the children" look. That's perfectly fine and I think everyone goes through it.

It's not exactly comfortable to get that "look." Especially when you're in a room full of straight people looking at you with that disgusted look on their face. I still hate that look. But the key is to feel more comfortable with yourself. If you truly know in your own heart that there is nothing wrong with being who you are, you'll notice the looks less and less. And when you do notice them, you might feel a twinge of pride instead of shame or feeling like you wish the earth would open up and swallow you.

On a side note...that lady who asked you if you were shopping for your brother just sounds fucking creepy. Who the hell asks a stranger that kind of thing? She should mind her own business.

Good luck, and try to remind yourself that you're perfectly within your own rights to shop wherever the fuck you want I think you need to know that more than those assholes.