PTSD and Trauma recovery

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Oh my father, my tormentor, is dying. I have tried to be forgiving. It is something that I am working on. However, as I have gotten older, I still am not there yet. He has single handedly destroyed so much of life. He is always in my head. Always. However, I have a place for him. He is there. Not here. When you get to that place, it is pure joy. The inner peace is precious. Believe me.

Now you have to remember I have a horrible case of ocd. In having ocd, it is all about obsession and compulsion. That is something that I have inherited from my father. Both my father and uncle have ocd too, but not nearly as bad as mine is. It comes out worse in those further down the line. So my father is a huge obsession of mine. Huge. However, I have a place for him. Sometimes it comes out when I have contact with him. And everything goes to hell in a second.

A long story short, my father came at me one time. He had a huge chip on his shoulder, and was just mad at the world. And my father hates me. There is nothing about me that he even likes. Nothing. With that said, this behavior does not surprise me. I sort of expect it from him. Anyway, I had asked my mother for help wrapping gifts for Rosie, and my nieces & nephews. She was thrilled to do it. Well, he was furious. And he took the main bag of toys from my mother's hands (literally tearing the bag from her hands hurting her) and throwing it at me. Then he went outside after being dazed, and helping my mother who was crying, only to find out he ripped out the wiring to my car, trying to isolate me there. Well, I just called Rosie. She came and got me, and the gifts.

Or I can tell you about the time he held a knife to me. Or left out his hunting rifle and shells knowing he wants me to do what my younger brother did. See if you don't play the game, you are not rewarded. Sick isn't it? I don't play his game. I refuse too.

Andrew, brother. How hellacious and inexcusable of your dad to do that to you. You are a person who deserves respect. When he behaves this way the important thing to understand and keep in mind is that what he has done to you has nothing really to do with who you are. It about his being fucked up, not you. HE is the one with the problem, not YOU. It took me years of therapy to understand that about my older brother.