Out on a limb.

[Spoon]

I joined BFP a few months ago, was semi-active, then fell off the planet, so to speak. After much contemplation, I came here to tell my tale.

Since realizing my identity in my early twenties, I have comfortably lived as a bisexual. I always said I was bi across the board. Gender didn't matter, what mattered was the person. Once I hit my thirties, however, I began primarily dating women, and I was fine with that as well. However, no matter who I dated, I always felt incomplete. I felt off, wrong, that I was lying to myself and to my partner about who I was. I felt a duality in me that was squelched no matter who I dated.

Then I met a gentleman I'll just call "J." "J" identifies as Genderqueer FTM. He is on T, has been for about five years, but non-op with no intentions of surgery. He lives as a man, wears binders, has a man's name, but is open about who he is. Most of his friends are lesbians or other queer identified females, with one or two other FTMs. Our relationship was brief, ended as friends, mostly due to poor timing; no hard feelings.

From our very first conversation, I felt 'right' for the first time in my life. I felt safe, comfortable, home. I had never had my own duality respected in such a way. I have always been sort of in-between in every arena; race, religion, identity. That in-between was fostered by "J." I could have my dyke moments, I could be a total girlie, I could just be me without boundaries. It was the most equal relationship I have ever had.

My struggle now is multi-faceted. For the first time, I find myself with a clear preference. I want to make it absolutely known I am no fetishist. I'm not out prowling for FTMs to sleep with randomly. I have been pondering that, among other things, during my hiatus from here and the rest of the world. I just want to find that feeling again with a lasting partner and it's sort of tearing me apart. I honestly don't know how to go about finding who I'm looking for. I've tried a couple dating sites, including the one on which I met "J" (OkCupid) without success. I don't even know how to go about looking. I just know I want that equal feeling again, even if it takes forever to find it.

I don't know if this is the right site for this outpouring. I felt comfortable here when I was active before, so it seemed like a good place to sort of lay this out. I've been carrying it on my own for a while. Thanks for reading.