Parenting

[jelli]

Originally Posted by christie0918

I typically don't post a lot about parenting. I don't want others judging my parenting skills/style and I don't want to judge theirs.

However, I find myself on a very uncertain road. I'm not sure I am looking for answers/advice or if I am looking for someone to tell me that its gonna be ok, that they have walked/walking the road or the road scares the bejezus out of them.

Some of you may know that we have a 17 (almost 18) year old son who is lovingly referred to as Bratboy. I am quite open about his being an ASPIE (Asperger's Syndrome) as well as a myriad of other acronyms. I have always prided myself on being able to navigate single-parenthood of a special needs child and really tried not to become a martyr about "Why?". Truth is, I can't imagine wanting my son to be any different than he is - except when I do.

He graduated high-school in May and is one of those kids who is just not ready in terms of maturation to attend college either away from home or close to home without some additional support systems. We are fortunate in that he has been accepted at a school about three hours from us where he will first have a nine week "life skills" course and then go on to begin the culinary arts program. He will live on campus but have more supervision than if he were at a mainstream (lack of better word) college.

The conundrum is that he is a pig and has little to no regard for the impact of his actions on others. It doesn't matter that Jess and I could both have the tidy-fit award on a daily basis. It doesn't seem to matter that we have a freakin' housekeeper and all he has to do is to pick up his crap and she will dust, do the floors and make the bed. It doesn't seem to matter that he has a mountain of dirty laundry and no clean underwear - he wears "basketball" shorts if he has no clean underwear. He deplores showering and personal hygiene as if you are asking him to bathe in acid and only does so when whatever he wants (internet access usually) becomes the currency.

Having his internet access was a great repercussion when he spent hours upon hours talking/skyping with his internet pals. Low and behold, he has made real-time friends. Something he has never had. The last month or so has been these two boys (young men, really) and Bratboy traipsing back and forth between our house and theirs.

They seem to have no concept of how their escapades at all hours impact our lives. Jess can't sleep during the week (I work a couple hundred miles from home) because the dogs are alerting her to every time they hear a noise. We have tried talking to him about how ecstatic we are that he has friends and that we are trying to teach him about the different expectations now that he has close folks to interact with - not that we want to continue to treat him as a child, but that we are teaching him things that he's just coming to need.

At moments, he seems to get it. Just about a month ago, he spent his first night away from home since he was about 6 (other than with my folks or his father on occasion). Following that, Jess was able to leave him alone overnight and he took amazing care of the dogs. It felt like the anchor of him not being self-sufficient/mature was being lifted! We were overjoyed.

Last week, we attempted Jess coming to Richmond for the night so we could attend the Melissa Etheridge concert. He agreed to take care of the dogs. Good, right? Uh-huh - until Jess found the pool filter system full of airsoft pellets (kinda like plastic BB's). Until I couldnt reach him till THREE THIRTY the next day to find that our giant schnuazer who lives outside most days hadn't been watered because, "Mooooommmmmm - I am tired. It just rained." Don't even get me started on my reaction.

I know to some it sounds simply as if we aren't enforcing boundaries. The issue seems to be that there is no repercussion because there is no currency. He is completely apathetic most days and the internet and his cell phone are of no importance to him now. Money isn't an issue because he has EVERYTHING he could possibly want - and short of taking things away (which he doesn't care about anyway), there isn't a possible solution there either.

My rope is short and I am finding myself about to have a "Mommy meltdown." These usually aren't pretty and do result in what I term as band-aids on an artery. Stops the bleeding for a hot minute and then things are right back to where they were.

Jess does an amazing job of caring for him while I am away and I will own that I do feel a certain amount of Mommy guilt at having someone there doing the hard stuff while I am away for work. I don't want to add to what I already consider a huge undertaking for Jess. I don't want him to get a "pass" on unacceptable behaviors because he is wired differently, yet, I constantly find myself searching for the one thing that will finally click and make sense to him.

Sigh. Anyone have a magic wand? My apologies if this seems too long or too detailed. Once I started, it poured out like a river.

Thank you for posting Christie,

I can't even imagine and major props to you and to Jess for continuously and lovingly striving to help "bratboy" become the most independent and integrated young man as he can possibly be. Go easy on yourselves it reads as if you're doing all you can do at this point.

Have you looked into any local or online support groups?

I took just a moment to look around and found one that has some forums:

http://www.aspergersyndrome.org/

As tapu stated, let us know if you find some resolution. I'm sorry I couldn't be much help.

{{{{{Christie & Jess}}}}}