Trans Invisibility

[nowandthen]

Originally Posted by PapaC

So...

This is a very personal, and raw issue I'm having lately and I believe I need to provide some background info before I present some questions to any who would like to participate in this thread.

I came out as queer/lesbian in '97, come out to myself as trans* (tg butch/masculine/etc) 6 months later, found 'community' both online and off within b/f circles in '98-'99, found trans-community both online and off in 2001, and finally, passed as male (assume 99-100% unless among medical people) since spring of 2004. When I moved to the west coast (BC) in 2006, I started living a 'stealth' existence in my home town. During the 2 years I was still in Nova Scotia, I was 'he/she'd' a lot. I still get that in Toronto when visiting friends and family as well, and for the most part, I just roll with it. When I'm visiting friends and family in the SF Bay Area, I'm 'home' in my community, thanks to connections from many people right here in this forum, connections that now span to over a decade. I'm truly blessed for that.

I have an offline trans-community that's semi local. It's... a struggle to say the least, and I don't think I want to get into some of those struggles right now so I want to keep it on a more personal realm.... I'm painfully shy. I think I'll always be painfully shy unless I'm in a b/f/ and-or trans bubble.

Coupled with these experiences, I'm 'away' from a lot of my queer friends and family. Lonely? Yes.

So here's what's been going for me and why I'm struggling today. Locally, there's a masculine female cashier at the local grocery store that I'm 'reading' as a butch woman. She's barely 20 yrs old. I've seen her working there for over 2 years now, and I can't tell you all just how sad I am sometimes that I can't give her that .... look... you know, that 'knowing' look, or a 'butch' nod (these days, I get the 'bro' nod from males -- it's just not the same thing).

I know I'm in an enviable position as a 'passing'-male. I feel the need to be crystal that passing as male as an FTM is .... an ocean apart compared to the experiences of butch women who do pass (so let's get that part outta the way)

I also know that I've chosen to go forward and have no regrets for my decision.

However..... I'd like to have a discussion about trans-invisibility, and see if there are any others who have similar experiences and thought processes around this issue. I confess that I'm not .... well versed in understanding of Femme Invisibility... am I experiencing something similar? I'd like to hear from Femmes as well (and no, not just femmes who are partnered with ftms or butches who pass, but any femmes who on their own, struggle with invisibility... maybe you can help me and other guys with your experiences)

Are there other guys like me that have these moments? Do you miss your 'obvious' queer/butch look? Does it bring up moments of loneliness for you? Do you talk to other trans-friends about it? (for the record, I have problems bringing up this topic with my local pals, as many of them have not lived in any sort of b/f bubble let alone queer id'd)

Because I have issues bringing up this discussion offline, I've decided I want to put it out there in a more... supportive setting. So here I am. I hope others would like to join me in this discussion. This won't be easy.

Respectfully,

Yes, I remember the first time I watch a Femme look right past me, I was devastated. Now I ID as Butch and I have facial hair so I am not read as butch even in some b/f spaces and queer space. I have many people read my markers and make assumptions and that is to my what feels more invisible, the not asking me directly. But back to your point, I find that I prefer to be read as a gay man than a straight man since I am read as male. I think that stems from the fact that I am also white, not from a place of "white Guilt" but as a response to the privilege bestowed on me. Privilege i also benefit from as a white butch but gain more of. So I still feel invisible and often lonely. I have said to many friends who ask about my experience, that it is an individual journey So having lived out as a queer now for 31 years I find the question of invisibility to be tied to comfort of others that then cause me pain.
Meaning, if i agree to the markers of meanings that society and others assign, other are safe and happy, and I am not scene and must then come out. The only place or lets say two places i do not have to come out is in my whiteness and class status. being able to typed this on line already makes my class status visible. The pain of not being able to give that silent nod,wink,or smile is just that painful. That what I have for now, I think more and share more later.

[PapaC]

Originally Posted by nowandthen

Yes, I remember the first time I watch a Femme look right past me, I was devastated. Now I ID as Butch and I have facial hair so I am not read as butch even in some b/f spaces and queer space. I have many people read my markers and make assumptions and that is to my what feels more invisible, the not asking me directly.

For clarity, are you talking specifically and only within a queer (b/f/gay/leather) setting that you feel invisible? Do you desire the world 'at large' if you will to 'see you' beyond 'male'? or are you comfortable/enjoy/are happy in your skin being generally read as male?

But back to your point, I find that I prefer to be read as a gay man than a straight man since I am read as male. I think that stems from the fact that I am also white, not from a place of "white Guilt" but as a response to the privilege bestowed on me. Privilege i also benefit from as a white butch but gain more of. So I still feel invisible and often lonely. I have said to many friends who ask about my experience, that it is an individual journey So having lived out as a queer now for 31 years I find the question of invisibility to be tied to comfort of others that then cause me pain.
Meaning, if i agree to the markers of meanings that society and others assign, other are safe and happy, and I am not scene and must then come out. The only place or lets say two places i do not have to come out is in my whiteness and class status. being able to typed this on line already makes my class status visible. The pain of not being able to give that silent nod,wink,or smile is just that painful. That what I have for now, I think more and share more later.

You've given me some food for thought regarding general privilege and how that has changed for you... thank you (you have before to me directly. but thank you for posting it here online).

[nowandthen]

"For clarity, are you talking specifically and only within a queer (b/f/gay/leather) setting that you feel invisible? Do you desire the world 'at large' if you will to 'see you' beyond 'male'? or are you comfortable/enjoy/are happy in your skin being generally read as male?" PapaC

What I really want is to wake up and not have it matter at all anywhere. Yes I want to be seen based on my merit not gender, or if you are going to see through the restrictive gender lens not to assign yours or others meanings to me. I am still hopeful, but in my daily life I have the choice/privilege to decide based on my safety when to "come out" as not male. Male and masculinity are not tied for me, nor is femininity tied to female.
What i guess I am trying to say and I have said this to you before is it all crap till we walk out the front door.
I wish we all would watch ourselves as we assign meaning to ourselves and others why we are, is it for our safety or ego. Am I assigning negative meaning to myself when I feel invisible? is that my false pride based in the messages I have received that I am less than because you(general you, not the individual you) or society do not approve my exterior presentation? If I am a spiritual being having a human experience than ego and false pride are involved in my journey to self acceptance. I do know that in "straight" circles I want to keep my marginalization by being seen as a Gay man or butch, I am not quite ready to give up that feeling "different" and having something to prove. I also want everyone to know that this body represents the reality of the continuum of the human experience, therefore I will be invisible in many areas of my life. I feel more invisible when I talk about how being white and how un-learning my white privilege plays out in both queer and non-queer communities. al
Alright, more coffee now