The Psychology of Online Dating

[BullDog]

We certainly do see lots of professions of love online and then a little while later some of the same people are professing their great love for someone else. However, I don't think that automatically means everyone is desperate or settling for the first person who comes along.

Everyone goes at their own pace and in their own way.

Some people can know each other for a very long time and barely scratch the surface of knowing each other, whereas other people can have very indepth conversations, correspondence and other means of communicating and connecting where they know each other quite well in a fairly short amount of time. Obviously the more time spent getting to know each other the better and especially in person. But it varies widely.

I think the quality of the connection and communication of getting to know someone is the most important, although time is definitely important too. As I like to say - the proof is in the pudding. I want my relationship to last for the rest of my life so the proof is when it does. I guess I won't know until I'm ready to go, lol.

With long distance relationships it can be very difficult to have significant amounts of in-person time together. A romantic week or weekend is a very nice dating experience but still will not ultimately tell you what day to day life will be like. It is nice when there is a situation when a couple can spend a significant amount of time in person together that lies somewhere in between a date and commitment of living together. This could of course come after some dates. But again it is going to depend on the people's situation. There is no one approach.

[Lyte]

Excellent point and observation there. I agree, it's less likely desperation or settling that moves someone from one person to another in a short period of time. Dating online and/or at a long distance carries with it a level of anonymity which can be hugely comforting for some people.

Speaking in general...

Sure, you may have met a few times ... dated a few times... done some other things a few times () ... BUT... the harsh and painful realities that exist when things go south are significantly less when the person doesn't live near you and you don't have to see them again. <--- this "out" if you will ....from the emotional pain ... or just the inconvenience of a breakup ... makes online/distance relationships ... for some individuals... disposable.

Originally Posted by BullDog

We certainly do see lots of professions of love online and then a little while later some of the same people are professing their great love for someone else. However, I don't think that automatically means everyone is desperate or settling for the first person who comes along.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Lyte

Again... interesting!

I do not date online and/or at a distance.

Despite our best efforts... however good or careful we may think we are... there is no substitution for the level of communication ... or the level of intimacy... that comes from looking someone in the eye and/or seeing the expression on their face.

It was established long ago that human beings communicate primarily (read: best) through non-verbal cues. As well as I may think I'm able to communicate my thoughts, my feelings verbally it would be difficult to hold someone else accountable for their understanding of me if we are not (more often than not) face to face.

A quick Google...

Nonverbal Communication

Behavior and elements of speech aside from the words themselves that transmit meaning. Non-verbal communication includes pitch, speed, tone and volume of voice, gestures and facial expressions, body posture, stance, and proximity to the listener, eye movements and contact, and dress and appearance.

Research suggests that only 5 percent effect is produced by the spoken word, 45 percent by the tone, inflexion, and other elements of voice, and 50 percent by body language, movements, eye contact, etc.

I've no idea if those percentages are correct.... but the ratios are about right. The point being... probably 85% - 95% of what's needed to fully understand another human being requires us to be face-to face.



P.S. To be clear ... I will however flirt online... and/or ... at a distance!

Yes, and this is PRECISELY why Skype and FaceTime were invented.

Next excuse?

[Lyte]

You darlin' are... BRILL! lol

I've never used FaceTime and/or Skype and more importantly... thus far... I've not felt a desire to learn. So, until such time as I feel otherwise... you may call me Benedick

"I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster, but I’ll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace." Signior Benedick

Please don't misunderstand ... you or anyone else... I'm not criticizing anyone else's love adventure!

Originally Posted by Gemme

Yes, and this is PRECISELY why Skype and FaceTime were invented.

Next excuse?

[cathexis]

Online dating's not for me either. I broke up my previous marriage of 10 years due to the "siren" on the other end of the phone. Within 2 years, I regretted my decision and there was no way to reverse it.

Will flirt, maybe meet, but now I guard my heart with an iron padlock.

Told my Partner that I won't even "chat" except in a group. My choice...too tempting late at night and lonely.

[DapperButch]

I have only dated at a distance once in the last 20 years. That was also "unplanned". We were able to stay chunks of time at each others' houses (two weeks at a time), so I do feel like I got a sense of the "day to day". It just so happened we came together at a time when both of us had things happening where we could have that amount of time together.

I have always had a rule about not dating long distance. I am not looking right now, so it isn't something I have to worry about. But, as Gemme indicated, with FaceTime and Skype, you can get a good sense of the person in their "day to day", unlike prior to these technologies. You can just carry the cell around on FaceTime as you go about your evening, or whatever. You are much more in each others' lives with FaceTime. That was always the issue/concern for me. That, and I wouldn't consider dating someone unless they had an interest in moving to my area.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Lyte

You darlin' are... BRILL! lol

I've never used FaceTime and/or Skype and more importantly... thus far... I've not felt a desire to learn. So, until such time as I feel otherwise... you may call me Benedick

"I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster, but I’ll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace." Signior Benedick

Please don't misunderstand ... you or anyone else... I'm not criticizing anyone else's love adventure!

No worries. I'm just saying that that cannot be used as an excuse in this day and age. You may not want to date like that and I totally understand as LD is frustrating but you do see the essence of the person through these mediums. It can sometimes make the longing for them worse but it gives you a dose of them; just enough to take the edge off and to come to learn their mannerisms and see all of those delicious non-verbal cues you were talking about. Seeing is, indeed, believing.

[girl_dee]

do you consider long distance dating, online dating?

[Lyte]

Oh, I still assert that online/distance dating is extremely problematic and not a good idea. I'm familiar with FaceTime and Skype though I've not used them. As much as they may seem to provide insight they come no where close to the insight/intimacy gained from the physical presence of the person.

Another ... major issue... not yet mentioned is logistics. Two people feel they've hit it off and are perfect for one another! So... who's going to give up they're current life/location and move? Give up their home, if they own, give up their job, if they were working on a career there and give up friends... and family... if they still live in their home town. <-- that's a hell of a lot for one person to give up on a hell of a lot less insight/intimacy that comes from being in the person's presence.

Originally Posted by Gemme

No worries. I'm just saying that that cannot be used as an excuse in this day and age. You may not want to date like that and I totally understand as LD is frustrating but you do see the essence of the person through these mediums. It can sometimes make the longing for them worse but it gives you a dose of them; just enough to take the edge off and to come to learn their mannerisms and see all of those delicious non-verbal cues you were talking about. Seeing is, indeed, believing.

[BullDog]

Originally Posted by Lyte

Excellent point and observation there. I agree, it's less likely desperation or settling that moves someone from one person to another in a short period of time. Dating online and/or at a long distance carries with it a level of anonymity which can be hugely comforting for some people.

Speaking in general...

Sure, you may have met a few times ... dated a few times... done some other things a few times () ... BUT... the harsh and painful realities that exist when things go south are significantly less when the person doesn't live near you and you don't have to see them again. <--- this "out" if you will ....from the emotional pain ... or just the inconvenience of a breakup ... makes online/distance relationships ... for some individuals... disposable.

I agree with this Lyte, and honestly it seems like most relationships don't last these days - whether they are local or online/LDR. Some are for good reasons I think. For example, my mother stayed with my father out of Christian duty and she was a housewife until I was a teenager. So in the past, I think a lot of people stayed together out of duty and it was what was expected and women didn't have as many opportunities available to them. But today it does seem that people are less willing to work out issues and stay together. Of course it is a fine line between staying together and being with someone who isn't a good match for you. And with a relationship that is mostly online it is definitely very easy to move on to something new.

I want a good match where the person is also willing to work out things with me when there are issues and not accuse me of a bunch of shit and not let me express myself. I don't think that's too much to ask, lol, and going well in that department currently.

A lot of people also just seem to want to flirt and text and play around online or on the phone - which is cool as long as both people are upfront with what they want. But if you are trying to seriously get to know someone and that isn't clear it can be rather disappointing.

p.s. yes dee wasn't accusing you of anything. The internet gossip is thick and yes there are also trails.