The Psychology of Online Dating

[*Anya*]

I only dated someone long distance once. I have nothing negative to say about the experience.

It only lasted a short time but distance was only a part of it. No regrets.

I learned enough to know that a ldr is not for me but totally understand how it can work for others.

After that, I absolutely used an online dating site.

I only dated locally. (I will only date locally again).

My recent longer-term ex was 18 miles from me. I really loved it. I enjoyed the easy planning for dates, the spur-of-the-minute dates, "would you like to go to the beach for lunch today? I can pick you up in an hour". Oh yes!

For me, there is no real psychology in online dating other than: honesty and more honesty; being my real, true self with all of the good and bad; ensure that I write an accurate profile because anything not true will be pretty obvious darn quickly; be truthful, too; if there is no chemistry and you know fairly quickly that it is not going to develop.

I have written before that with my recent ex, I did not read her profile carefully enough. She clearly wrote all of the sports and activities she enjoyed but I first of all, was besotted by the handsome butchness of her picture and secondly, the very best behavior that she reflected when we began to date.

She had not written that she expected me to participate in her love of sports or I may have passed.

Who knows? We can always do Monday-morning quarterbacking after a relationship ends.

I should have done more in the beginning but did not. I spent just under 4 years with her and though I moved out last October; I still have not felt ready to date again yet. It takes me a long time to heal and to feel ready to open my heart again. That is just how I am.

By the time I am ready to date again, hopefully, I will have learned from it and will again avail myself of online dating from an identified online dating site.

Online dating sites are the only places that I have found, that I can sort out the butches from the femmes more easily. Speaking of that: I even put in my profile that I was attracted to butch lesbians and I still had femmes respond. Femmes will always be my best friends but I just do not feel attracted to women that look just like me.

Yin and yang, you know!

A final note: I am also struggling with how I would include that I now have physical health challenges that I did not have when I last dated. Do you include that in your profile? Do you tell someone on the first date? Do you wait until you have had a couple of dates? I am at a loss with this one.

[knight]

I wanted to use a broad term like psychology here because I was interested in the broad perspective of people's philosophy and behaviour towards the concept of dating. Conduct which is governed by ethics, morals and values is certainly part of the general psychology/philosophy to the approach of dating. Thank you for your input.

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I only dated someone long distance once. I have nothing negative to say about the experience.

It only lasted a short time but distance was only a part of it. No regrets.

I learned enough to know that a ldr is not for me but totally understand how it can work for others.

After that, I absolutely used an online dating site.

I only dated locally. (I will only date locally again).

My recent longer-term ex was 18 miles from me. I really loved it. I enjoyed the easy planning for dates, the spur-of-the-minute dates, "would you like to go to the beach for lunch today? I can pick you up in an hour". Oh yes!

For me, there is no real psychology in online dating other than: honesty and more honesty; being my real, true self with all of the good and bad; ensure that I write an accurate profile because anything not true will be pretty obvious darn quickly; be truthful, too; if there is no chemistry and you know fairly quickly that it is not going to develop.

I have written before that with my recent ex, I did not read her profile carefully enough. She clearly wrote all of the sports and activities she enjoyed but I first of all, was besotted by the handsome butchness of her picture and secondly, the very best behavior that she reflected when we began to date.

She had not written that she expected me to participate in her love of sports or I may have passed.

Who knows? We can always do Monday-morning quarterbacking after a relationship ends.

I should have done more in the beginning but did not. I spent just under 4 years with her and though I moved out last October; I still have not felt ready to date again yet. It takes me a long time to heal and to feel ready to open my heart again. That is just how I am.

By the time I am ready to date again, hopefully, I will have learned from it and will again avail myself of online dating from an identified online dating site.

Online dating sites are the only places that I have found, that I can sort out the butches from the femmes more easily. Speaking of that: I even put in my profile that I was attracted to butch lesbians and I still had femmes respond. Femmes will always be my best friends but I just do not feel attracted to women that look just like me.

Yin and yang, you know!

A final note: I am also struggling with how I would include that I now have physical health challenges that I did not have when I last dated. Do you include that in your profile? Do you tell someone on the first date? Do you wait until you have had a couple of dates? I am at a loss with this one.

[kassykit]

I will say that I have dated online for years. Part of my reason for this is I am not very confident in my real life. I also work at a major University in the bible belt!

In my real life I have to put on a mask of self-assurance, calm, and being in control. I hide behind various defense mechanisms to keep the real me from those who would hurt me.

I am a submissive woman. I am attracted to women. I do not care if a woman is butch, femme, or anywhere on that spectrum. I work in a job where I have to appear dominant. I have to be strict. I could never even hint that I am malleable, bendable, and well that i like my partner to "take control." It simply would not be appropriate.

Secretly I crave to find the one woman who doesn't mind my being on my knees so to speak. Someone who is comfortable being the dominant partner in the relationship. Someone who knows the difference between being in charge and being an abusive asshole. (If that makes any sense). So by dating a person online first I can get to know them, well at least the picture they paint of themselves.

I am not a skinny girl. People have told me I am pretty but well I rarely feel that way. I am awkward, introverted, and caring. The face I show to the world is none of those things. I play the role of extroverted PhD Candidate pretty darn well, and I hate it.

Does anyone else just crave for a place, a person that they can just be the person they are on the inside? Here, online, at least I can in the smallest bit. Yes, my ultimate dream is to find myself a partner who is dominant, self-assured, and secure in herself (or if preferring male pronouns, himself).